At some point I had to ask myself the question, "Can I be the spouse I expect my H to be?"
Resentment is my barometer.
Actually I have to check in with myself often.
If I can't fix me, I'm lost.
I think this is a core principle of DB, no? One person's changes can change the dynamic.
Maybell-- I've experienced something similar re: apologies... one of my M issues was my H's inability to apologize in a way I found satisfactory. Since I've been DBing, I've changed my responses to him. In return...I've gotten more unsolicited and sincere apologies. And less defensiveness from him. Coincidence? I think not.
Since I've been DBing, I've changed my responses to him. In return...I've gotten more unsolicited and sincere apologies. And less defensiveness from him. Coincidence? I think not.
This is a fabulous observation and an astounding change to make. I certainly didn't get this until a year or two into my own changes. That's incredibly insightful, Claire.
For me personally, I lived with a perfectionist (my mom). She grew up with an even bigger perfectionist. Everything was couched under the umbrella of "what would people think" if anything was less than perfect. For my mom, it created an extremely hostile inner voice that berated her for doing anything less than perfectly. And she didn't get counseling, so that lovely dynamic was passed along to me and my 2 siblings. Ironically, we've all had our issues because of it. I got a developmentally disabled kiddo at the age of 35 and it was the beginning of accepting a less than perfect life. I just got much better at it with my marital troubles.
I think those of us who grew up in critical households are often the ones who have to unlearn it with others. For all the criticism we have with others, the inner voice is the suicidal voice inside of us. It eats away at our self esteem and our ability to love others as they are and not who we want them to be. And it definitely affects our ability to be the spouse we expect our spouses want US to be. This is definitely a worthwhile path.
A year or so after my D, I flew out to California to stay with friends and finally work through my sadness. (My XH and I met in the Bay Area and got married there. Most of my memories of living there are good and all the good ones were about falling in love with him.) Anyway, I stayed with one of his best friends and his now wife. After I left, XH and his friend had a long conversation, which friend told me about. My XH told him, "She became the wife I always dreamed she'd be." Friend asked him, "What does that mean to you?" He answered, "I'm really sad. Because I truly doubt I could be the man she wants in return, and it's not fair to ask her to accept that going forward."
How freaking sad is that? But at that point, it really didn't matter. I had decided I wanted to be a different person, and that was enough for me. It still is.
But we all have our long, winding ways to get to this point. Keep going, because it's worthwhile! As someone wise here once said to me, "the only way out is through".
Hugs to all- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I realize that's an area of improvement for me. I didn't say "I'm less mysterious than you." Just wanted to.
LOL, this was totally me too. I was the queen of witty sarcasm. And my family and friends despised my editorial comments. Somewhere along the line, someone told me to consider visualizing my responses and then the delete key (I'm a really visual person). I was advised to say what needed to be said and then delete the editorials. If it's unkind or leaves anything open to unkind interpretation, I do my level best to keep that commentary silent. If the editorial is uplifting, then I can say it. End of story. It's an important piece about being authentic and human. Our spouses need humility from us, not perfection.
Good edit job!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, I appreciate your stopping by. I'll circle back to that later.
On the advice of my lawyer when I started working I opened my own bank account in a new bank. H knows I'm working of course, and he just emailed me asking if I had opened a new account. He said he wasn't being mean or snarky but the finances are shared and we should both be transparent with one another.
I emailed him back with my salary (small) and confirmed I have my own account. I said if he has anything more to discuss about that I'd prefer we do it in person.
It might be worth adding that in a legal separation he will be parting with a he!! Of a lot of money. Which he probably doesn't appreciate.
I'm scared he'll pull the rug out from under me. He's not the guy I thought he was at the moment. Thoughts?
Last edited by Maybell; 12/18/1407:44 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, when you say you are scared he'll pull the rug out from under you, what do you mean exactly? Financially?
A few days ago, you said you would file after the New Year. Is that still the direction you are leaning? If so, I would tell your H (if he brings it up again), that you opened the account on the advice of counsel and that you will not discuss until after the holidays.
