Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[Little]

Oh, I cry all the time. I told a very wise IC about it once, feeling upset that I cry at EVERYTHING and I feel like it's because I can't handle my emotions. The response was, "So what? So you cry."

There's some zen in that, let me tell you.

[Vanilla]

"Only the strong have the strength to cry, the rest only weep bitter tears,
Pray for your end, let it come to you that it may be
Swiftly that you may know courage in the face of battle
For then you are brave in victory"

The battle cry written on the wall of our local club

You are doing vey well, tears are a part of PMA if they are a release, a means of moving forward not staying stuck. A way of leaving regret and hurt, a means of love.

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Text from W around 10:30... "I am so sorry for ruining our lives." I was asleep and didn't respond. Then a couple hours later long texts about s11's logistics tomorrow and Christmas gifts for him.

So I don't jump on "I'm so sorry" texts like this from her? Thes are not opportunities to reason with her b/c there's no convincing her right? I just keep going and get no encouragement that she would send that. And I see she's still not sleeping well being up at midnight. Doesn't matter.

Thank you for your help. Going back to sleep.

[HPoirot]

On my last post... I know there's no reasoning with her. Words mean nothing. So there's no response to her " I'm sorry" texts. I don't even think about why she sends them. I can't respond and give her the idea that I'm still hoping for R/M. She has to understand that I'm gone and not even mad. She has to see that I'm no longer thinking of her.

I know this is I long way from here if it ever comes... But what should I look for from her that may be encouraging?

[HPoirot]

Starting on my day now. I really want today, Day #4, to be a great and productive day. I'm still having trouble, though, with my W contacting me...

I sent S11 out to her as she picked him up this morning to take him to school. I did not go out. Since then she has called me 3 times without leaving a VM. Now she texts me "Please call me." I had my phone in the next room so I just got notifications of all this just now.

I know this is a ridiculous thing to be stuck on. We're all here trying to get more contact with our WAS and I'm here pissed about my W contacting me too much.

I'm thinking calling her yesterday to pick up S11 was a mistake. Even though it was an emergency, I should have texted her instead.

Is it too much to ask that she texts me what she wants to talk about or leaves a VM? I feel like a baby asking this... but she not respecting that I do not want to hear from her. I gave her a "don't call unless it's an emergency" boundary yet she still just keeps calling and leaving these text messages to call her about what I don't know.

I will answer her questions from late late last night via text. Other than that, I want to call her and yell at her a lot. I won't but I want to.

Ok I'm remembering to not let myself get moved off center by her actions. I'm sure she wouldn't call unless it was important. It's up to me to not react to her at all.

I'll figure this out.

[Mozza]

From here, it looks like she's just trying to assert control. You state a boundary and she tramples over it. When she sees that she's losing, she backs off to save face. Something tells me you'll know when there is an emergency. In the meantime, it's perfectly fine to ignore her and enforce your boundary. She'll learn.

You mention that other LBS are hoping for more contacts, but it's for different situations. In your case, it seems the normal DB course to go dark until OM is out of the picture.

By the way, three months into my separation and there's never been an emergency for my two young daughters. Sadness is not an emergency.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Mozza. I'm really feeling embarrassed about being stuck here this after all the weeks all real trouble with my W to get to this point.

I think this is important though. I do not want to hear from her and I can't have her feeling like I'm happily tolerating her behavior and this situation by being readily accessible. At the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm bitter or hiding from her. I know that, if I'm looking like I'm detached and not caring what she's doing, then I should just answer her call, hear what she says, and then dismiss her.

From all I've learned here, it seems the right thing to do is just follow up with her with a text like "What is it?" a few hours after her text. Then just expect her to be upset again. Rinse and repeat. Concerned again that all this keeps pushing her away. But then there's her "I'm sorry" text where she says she has ruined "our" lives. She can't possibly feel like she ruining her life though? Whatever... I know it doesn't matter what she says. I just want to have a great day today so let me finally get to it.

For those who know... is her contacting me like this and expecting me to be accessible expected? Do I combat this or just learn to live with it while it lasts?

Thank you.

[sandi2]

If you feel this is pushing her away, what is your alternative.....that does not break your own boundaries?

Again, this is still your guilt working overtime. She has done a number on you! Plus, you are not detached enough or you would not get stuck over these issues. The next time she shoots one of her texts saying to call her or that she needs to talk to you, text her back right then and tell her that you are reminding her of your boundary about contacts and if she has some emergency, she needs to text it or leave a VM. Then you will determine if you need to respond.

You are beating yourself up over something that should not consume this much attention. And forget what she said about being sorry for ruining lives. She's done this before, then turn around and cut you to ribbons. Ignore it, HP. She is a manipulator! She will pull tricks out of her bag to get you back to where you were when she was in charge.

Right now, this about her wanting to be in control. It is not about her wanting to reconcile the M. She is not going to give up that control easily, but she must give it up in order to respect you. As long as she was sleeping with OM while you kept S11 at home, she was in control and had no respect for you. Now she feels very much out of control and she will use whatever means necessary to regain it.

[adinva]

How did you reassert the boundary about emergencies? I'm wondering if you were extremely clear and objective. If so, you would already know what to do, imo.

If I could make a suggestion, it would be this:

W, I am only going to communicate with you about emergencies to do with S. (note - boundary setting is about what you are going to do, not about what you want HER to do. She will, and can, continue to do what she is doing. How you respond is what you control.) So, W, if you call me I will not answer. If you text me what the emergency to do with S is, I will respond if it is in fact an emergency. If you do not text specifics, I will consider it not an emergency and will not respond.

That is what I would consider really clear. And that would inform you whether to respond to "I'm really sorry" texts (no, and don't give it a moment's thought) or to "call me" texts (no, because you are being ambushed with non-emergencies). or to "I want to know how S is doing" (no, because she knows how to reach S directly).

I agree she's trying to exert control over the situation, and any wishy washiness you exhibit is going to make your life more miserable.

I will leave it to the vets who know these types of situations, but yes, you should have an idea in your mind about what would constitute a change in W that she wants to reconcile and/or has dropped the OM completely. That is obviously complicated because you refuse to take her calls. However, you can be sure that in 4 days that has not happened. Take a specific amount of time, at a minimum, to get your space. 90 days sounds appropriate to me.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Sandi for setting me straight again on my guilt. Yes I see what you are saying that I'm not detached enough as I'm letting her calls and needs affect me so much. She feels she knows what I want to hear and will keep trying to get me to talk or feel bad for her so I will agree to drop my self respect to act like a family so she can feel better about what she's doing. Yes once I let her in like that she will try to feed me crumbs to get back in control and even get in the condo. I can't let her believe that she right in thinking I'm sitting here waiting to run to her if she calls.

So, next time I'll immediately text her... "Hello W. Got your text. If you're having an emergency with S11, please text me all about it or leave me a VM. Thanks."