Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[Little]

I'll join said competition! I haven't talked to BF since last Thursday, the 11th! LOL!

It's ON!

[HPoirot]

I'm really trying to go NC. I'm on day #4 but have yet to go a day without finding a way to keep W from contacting me. So I'm losing so far but will find a way to go one day without hearing from her.

[adinva]

NC is about you not listening to her. No one can make her stop trying to contact you. Put your effort where you have some control, ie your reactions.

[Mozza]

Us with kids shouldn't be in this competition or at least we should have special rules. I also hope for days when W doesn't contact me but so far I've only had one in the last 2-3 weeks. There's always a little something. It's nothing like yours though: our interactions are cordial. Still, they are distracting and I feel she reads into any interactions: too little and she's upset, too much and she's reassured. I just let go and that's why I rarely report on them here. It's a marathon.

[sandi2]

I agree with this^^, HP. You can't stop her from trying to contact you. If you could, I bet you would have done it sooner. Your reaction is all you get to control here. All you can do is what has already been suggested about reminding her of your boundary and leaving a text or VM. You can choose to not respond and/or ignore her.

Now seriously, you need to get on to something else. You are obsessing over this a bit, don't you think? Of course, I suppose a woman like her could make anyone break out in hives at the thought of another contact.

[HPoirot]

Yes thank you adinva, sandi, and everyone. You're right I can only control how I react to her contacting me. I cannot control when... and now how... she contacts me...

I saw a call from my W and then immediately from S11 just now. He's out with him mom all evening since school for his bball practice. I think it's good for her to get time with him to see how he's really doing and to keep her calm. (Also, while he was out with her, I did not contact her to ask how he was doing to show her how that's done.)

So, I called S11 back and my W answered. She used his phone to get me to talk. Says with a tone she's upset with me b/c I haven't answered my phone or responded to her texts like she expects. I took the opportunity to calmly tell her to leave a VM or text with details when she needs to reach me and I would get back to her. Then we agreed to where he would sleep tomorrow night (with me) so he can get his science project done. I noted my tone of voice had a little displeasure and impatience in it. I'm not helping myself with that. Remembering to talk to her like a neighbor.

So yes seriously I need to get back to focusing on my growth again. This first week has been rough but I made it that way by focusing again too much on her and her calling/texting. It's good to know I can change that by changing my focus and getting back to my PMA discipline.

I see I can't keep her from being angry with me as I continue on this path of limited contact. I admit it would be nice to see her soften and respect my contact boundary more often. Like when she was acting mostly nice and transparent our last few weeks living together.

I know that's a long way from today, though. We're not screaming at each other b/c I'm not rising to her challenges. But I feel we're so against each other. If I think about it, which I should not, I find that discouraging.

I don't want to be like this with her. But I do see how my actions are training her how to treat me right. They worked to get her to stop her overnights and lying while me and s11 were still in the house. They worked to get me and s11 here to the condo peacefully after her screaming and threats. My actions will work again to teach her to communicate respectfully.

She knows she's wrong and she's learning how to behave again b/c I'm not folding when she misbehaves. She asks me about every step we take with S11 and finances and nothing she has tried has made me budge since I turned this around.

Just now have to get back to rebuilding my mojo and to really not care about her bad choices when I speak or meet with her. Time to make some wins for myself.

S11 will be with her this weekend. I'll go to the gym to swim some laps and lift some iron. I'll start working on my business again. Plan at least one fun GAL with S11 for next week. Maybe rock climbing. I'll be back again even stronger and I'll do it quick too.

Feeling better right now. S11 will be home in 45 minutes. I'm washing clothes and will iron his school uniform. Clean up the kitchen. Make the condo nice and calm and comfy for both of us. Just keep going.

Onward.

[adinva]

Your actions are not really to teach her anything. That's not really your place. Your actions are to take control of how you will respond and what you will request and expect.

If she learns anything from it it is up to her.

I know that goes against the saying "you teach people how to treat you," but I think in your case it might be helpful not to look at it as you teaching (aka controlling) her behavior. It's not your place.

I think of it as more "you communicate through your behavior how you will be effectively approached."

[Pink17]

Hi HP,

This is the way, mind your own self and the things you can control.

Your son is also learning to be a better person as you as his role model.

We all know how hard it has been for you since the beginning but you have been learning a lot and is became a man only a fool will leave.

Your W is noticing your changes and that's is maybe why she is behaving so badly. She is trying to understand what is going on and is probably reading on every action or silence that comes from you right now. It is probably confusing her.

She was in a good place when she took the decision to ask you for the D. But she does not have a clear direction any more. She knows she broke the family, her son is not with her all the time, she can see you are moving on with your life without her in the picture and she is full of guilt.

Combine all the ingredients and you have an unbalanced person, with lots of doubts, but again it is not your problem. You do not have any control over her thoughts and actions. You control yourself only.

You know, I have been feeling better too. I feel like I am getting my life back under control. I still have days with mixed feeling, anxious, but nothing like before when I cried no stop.

Hope you find peace within yourself always, you are a good person and a very good dad. Keep up the hard work.

Hugs,
Pink

[HPoirot]

Thank you so much Pink for your very very kind words. It means a lot that good people here say I'm a good person and a good dad. Sometimes when I'm dealing with my W I feel like a hard man. Even so, I'm trying really hard for my son. He came home just now so sad.

I knew he would have some extra stuff to carry so I figured my W would come with him up the elevator. I met them there. She looked tired and stressed. I figured she would b/c she spent hours with s11 tonight and would have seen him sad. Also that she was expecting to see me and I'm not looking happy to see her these days. Once again, I did not look friendly. I have an emotional wall against her now and I know I'm looking at her very critically. I'm angry about what she's doing. I'm angry that my son is sad.

She handed me his bag without a greeting (I didn't greet her either) and we talked briefly about S11. She wanted to drop him off with me tomorrow evening to finish his project... then pick him up later that night to stay with her overnight. I said to let's let me stay the night with me (as we already agreed) and she could take him to school on Friday and take him to stay with her from there. She then asked S11 what he wanted to do. I struggled to keep my fury in check. He mumbled something. She asked to talk with S11 alone and I left them.

S11 came into the condo a little later. Very down. W then called me and I answered. She said "he seems sad." I fought not to yell at her and tell her how horrible all this is on him. She asked about logistics tomorrow, about his tuition she would have to pay, and the tax payments she would have to pay. She complained how she trying to find an apartment and a car and about her money. She talked about how he had a good bball practice. I cut the call short, thanked her, and hung up. She sounded sad as I closed the call.

I asked s11 anout his day. S11 told me W took him to our old home where he watched TV before she drove him back out here for practice. He said that they didn't really talk. He told me how sad and stressed he feels about his family and his school project. I asked if he talked about his feelings with his mom. He said no b/c he doesn't want her to worry. I encouraged him that he can talk her as he's been talking to me. I said he should talk with his mom about his feelings. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Still, W just called me again and I answered. I shouldn't have. She was sounding buddy buddy again. Talking about she just picked up her aunt's little Christmas tree for the condo and would drop it off tomorrow with some extra ornaments as we don't have a tree yet. I said whatever she wants to do is fine. She asked if S11 was any better. I said no he's not any better. She said please ask him to call her before he goes to bed. She said his ringer is off so he doesn't answer when she calls. I have not told her he sometimes doesn't answer her calls. I said I would and said goodbye and hung up on her.

Really time to stop showing her even a trace of my anger. Time just to stop being angry. This is her mess and I'm just going to start consistently being happy for my boy. He sees I can barely stand to be around my W right now. I'm not helping myself if there's any chance for an R here.

Wow she's calling me again...

[HPoirot]

Your actions are not really to teach her anything. That's not really your place. Your actions are to take control of how you will respond and what you will request and expect.

If she learns anything from it it is up to her.

I know that goes against the saying "you teach people how to treat you," but I think in your case it might be helpful not to look at it as you teaching (aka controlling) her behavior. It's not your place.

I think of it as more "you communicate through your behavior how you will be effectively approached."

Yes thank you so much for the reminder adinva. I admit I still take actions with intensions they will affect W... to shake her up or make her easier for me and s11 to deal with. You're right though that trying to control her is a waste of my energy and pushes her away from me. It's not my place. I will communicate the best way I can be approached. Much better thank you.