W rang me at work to tell me to chase my solicitors and to ask for their details so she could ring them as it was now holding up her house purchase. (i have already provided the same details 3 times)
I asked for her solicitors details which she was yet to provide despite repeated requests. anyway i held my ground a little and she sent through the details at last. I didnt refuse to send mine but i was insistent on her sending hers.
I explained that i had done all i needed to do and it was all waiting on paperwork from her. she seemed to accept this and blamed the solicitors. I feel i was courteous but solid throughout.
Anyway it seems she will be moving out just after christmas at which point we will both be broke and she can fully enjoy her new relationship in the comfort of her new home.
I was upset after this and so texted a work friend who knows what is happening and we went for coffee. she has been a great comfort and help to me. She invited me to join their work christmas do as someone had dropped out and i decided that although i planned to go ceroc dancing this would be an equally good bit of GAL so went
It was nice, though my mind was stuck on my wife and the fact that after her works christmas do she went back to a hotel with OM1. at one point i got upset and had to go outside for some air before i broke down in tears in front of 30 people from work. I felt like just going home.
after a few minutes my friend came and found me and gave me a hug. she said she was worried about me but would understand if i went home at that point. I decided that if i left she would worry more and so i stayed, but instead of moping i made an effort to engage with people and by the time i left i felt better and much calmer.
on the way home i was thinking more and more about whether i should file. I'm not prepared to live in an open marriage and equally i'm deeply concerned about what my wife will do once she moves out. I realised that she has either left me for another man and is lying about it (on top of a load of other lies) or she has been very dishonest with me over a much longer period of time. either way not someone to put a lot of trust in.
So I've asked my solictor a bunch of questions about filing on the grounds of adultery (basically pursuing a fault divorce) and if they come back as i think, then I will likely tell them them to get ready to file and i will think about it more over the weekend. I said a few posts back about the pros and cons of this but actually in the scheme of things the cons pale compared to the other issues any reconcilliation would have to overcome.
I hate this and I hate what it means for me, my kids and the time we will spend together. At somepoint though i have to stand up for myself.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Look at works best for the long term goals here. At this stage it's looking like a lone game, so work towards that picture.
Do worry about mrs jim, that's her sand pit to dig In as she sees fit. Looks like she's not digging a very fast or efficient type of hole. Be prepared for a long ride.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
So they have walked away and they feel enormous guilt for that and don’t dare face that, after all they have been wracked with guilt for so long about so many things (in their head they are a failure after all) that they don’t want to face it anymore
If they are chased it just reminds them how much hurt they have caused and they can’t bare the guilt If they aren’t chased then its proof they were never really loved in the first place If they are told they are forgiven they don’t believe it as there is no way someone could forgive them for all they’ve done and they have proved how awful they are If the LBS improves their life (DB) then its proof that that the LBS is better off without them.
At some point down the line they will start to realise that they still aren’t happy and start to think one of the following
1) LA LA LA LA LA I’m not listening, i don’t want to think about this LA LA LA LA 2) This is all the LBS’ fault – I hate them and never want to see them again 3) This is all the LBS’ fault – I want to make them as miserable as me so they know how I feel 4) This is my fault but this is better for everyone 5) I’ve made a mistake but it is all LBS’ fault and they need to make it up to me 6) This is my fault and I’ve made a terrible mistake but I’ve done so much damage there is no way I could undo this. I’m not worth it and/or i don’t know how and/or its too hard. 7) This is my fault and I’ve made a terrible mistake and i will do whatever it takes to undo that mistake
Over time they may change their mind and switch from one to other but as has been said so many times it takes two to make a relationship work and only one to destroy it, and for some if they ever reach 7 they might find it’s too late.
Jim, you wrote this on GoatGal's thread, and it really speaks to me. You seem to get the MLC thing pretty well. So I read your thread. No surprise - like many of us, you are lucid on other's threads yet in your own sitch, things are much more complicated, because then it's personal. If you are still ruminating about whether to expose, from my experience, I'd advise against. If you want to run some ideas, i'll engage, if it will help.
I don't think I've entirely backed down from wanting to expose but actually its more to do with what's next
My wife is showing herself to be very dishonest and so whilst I'd rather wait the two years for a no fault divorce I find it very difficult to believe that she will.
I will gladly own my failings but ultimately she is choosing to end the marriage and despite her protests she hasn't tried to fix it, and the main reason is that she is in love with OM1.
So I suppose my view is that I will be divorced from my wife so why roll over and accept her blaming me when her adultery is why its ending (not why there were problems). Its probably an ego thing buy frankly I have enough esteem issues already
Despite all of that I would still rather reconciliation and do not wish to damage that prospect. I think I just need to be realistic and act accordingly
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
You don't ' know' she is in love with OM1, it could be infatuation. What you do 'know' is she is A with him.
If this is the way you feel take L advice and do what is right for Jim. Don't do it to punish W. Move swiftly though. Starsky is probably your best advisor on this, his thoughts are solid. I am unsure if you should name OM1 and 2.
Know that once you have filed a fault divorce then you may need proof not just suspicion. In case of denial.
Comment about your words on goatgal thread if WAS really think any of those things they are not ready to R. Then piecing can't begin until WAS have full acceptance not half way. It will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and the fat lady has not sung.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/19/1409:49 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
((((Jim)))) so sorry for your rough time at the party. Thank goodness for friends, though, right? Hang in there. I LOVE Vanilla's last line in her comment above "It will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and the fat lady has not sung." VERY, very true.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Jim0987: Have you read "Somewhere inside, a path to empathy", the New York Times "Modern Love" column from 2009 about love and Asperger? It's among their most popular of the last decade.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I've got a quiet saturday in my house by myself and actually i'm alright i think. I thought about how lonely i might feel and although i miss my wife (and hate her A) i'm ok.
Had a nice night out with a mate last night and stayed over at theirs.
bought the kids christmas presents this morning and i have a couple of hours just relaxing at home before going to a different mates tonight. (cocktails in london plan has changed but financially thats probably a good thing)
anyways so i'm sat writing up a bit more of my personal development psychoanalysis stuff (unsure whether to post it) and watching TED talks in the background.
I'm posting now because I just watched a TED talk which for those who have followed my thread seemed remarkably appropriate and thought id share it
