W, I am only going to communicate with you about emergencies to do with S. (note - boundary setting is about what you are going to do, not about what you want HER to do. She will, and can, continue to do what she is doing. How you respond is what you control.) So, W, if you call me I will not answer. If you text me what the emergency to do with S is, I will respond if it is in fact an emergency. If you do not text specifics, I will consider it not an emergency and will not respond.
That is what I would consider really clear. And that would inform you whether to respond to "I'm really sorry" texts (no, and don't give it a moment's thought) or to "call me" texts (no, because you are being ambushed with non-emergencies). or to "I want to know how S is doing" (no, because she knows how to reach S directly).
^^^^^^^^^
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
W, I am only going to communicate with you about emergencies to do with S. (note - boundary setting is about what you are going to do, not about what you want HER to do. She will, and can, continue to do what she is doing. How you respond is what you control.) So, W, if you call me I will not answer. If you text me what the emergency to do with S is, I will respond if it is in fact an emergency. If you do not text specifics, I will consider it not an emergency and will not respond.
That is what I would consider really clear. And that would inform you whether to respond to "I'm really sorry" texts (no, and don't give it a moment's thought) or to "call me" texts (no, because you are being ambushed with non-emergencies). or to "I want to know how S is doing" (no, because she knows how to reach S directly).
^^^^^^^^^
Count me in!
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I often see couples here, both LBS and WAS, using the kids as an excuse to be in touch or to control. The supreme well-being of the kids. I see it in your sitch, as W wants to have several reports a day on S11 moods. In my opinion, each parent is trusted to take care of the kids. My W and I almost never exchange about the kids during the week and, really, there's no need. So, D3 has a cold. What can I do? Nothing. I thought my W was a good mom before the S and I left my kids with her while I would be on business trips. I trust her equally now.
I don't even buy this "provide a good Christmas" thing that I see across the threads. Perhaps it's because my kids are made of Teflon and don't seem to be bothered much by the separation so far. Anyway, my W was going to spend the Holidays abroad anyway and I'd be alone with them. A Christmas without both parents is a normal thing for millions of people. If the kids are concerned, provide reassurance, but don't go thinking that it will scar them for life. Sooner or later, they'll spend Christmas without both parents. Don't feel guilty and don't give your S11 the impression that it's a terrible thing, like W seems to suggest. It's a new life and you'll make the best of it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks for stopping by my thread and offering your comments. I have been reading/keeping up with your sitch and I can't offer much advice. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as it seems you struggle with boundaries with your WAW. Take care and keep enjoying your time with your S.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think she is absolutely using S11 as her excuse to contact.
You've heard some of us talk about how the WAW in an A should feel remorse, etc. In the case with your W, it does not seem that difficult for her to apologize, as she has done this from time to time. However, this is not the same as what we have referred to as her remorse...enough to want to R. I just wanted to clarify, in case you were hung up over her saying she was sorry for ruining your lives. In other words, it does not mean she is at the point of wanting to dump OM and make amends in her M. She is not giving a sign of wanting to R.
The difference is, she is still reacting out of a lot of emotions and she's still manipulating. Okay, I've already stated that much. So let me add this, the first step to watch for, IMO, is when she backs down and gets quite and starts respecting your boundaries. When she stop with the control BS. When she STFU and starts thinking about what she has done. When she begins to approach you softly, instead of demanding. I would look for those signs before expecting her to approach you with what it would take to reconcile. JMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
HP, I guess I don't understand why you don't just text back or call back when necessary...
The key to getting a wayward back isn't whether you go no contact or not.. The key is NO PURSUIT.. Happy, confident, emotionally stable...
Regarding texts... Text back and tell her you are BUSY and you will text back later.... That's all you have to do. Then later just text back and answer her question... Short and to the point...
Regarding calls.. If she asks you to call, just text back that you ARE BUSY and will call her later around (give her an approximate time).... Then do just that (or once in a while don't call back and tell her you forgot) .. Do some small talk, get to the point, then YOU HANG UP FIRST.. BUSY MAN.. BUSY CONFIDENT MAN...
Confident men aren't wishy washy... Confident men don't worry about things like this.. Either set her straight, ignore her or call her and make it short and sweet..
Just call her back..... "Hey, what's up? What do you want?.. Ok, will do. I am right in the middle of something, talk to you later, bye.."
Don't reveal how you feel about her. If she asks, just tell her you haven't thought about it or you don't know how you feel right now.. Then change the subject.
If you don't learn to talk to her now, then if she comes back how are you going to be able to handle it? She is who she is... She seems like she likes to talk..
The whole key here is you acting like an emotionally mature man who can handle whatever life throws his way. It's a whole attitude and demeanor... This is good practice for you. Take advantage of it.. This really is no big deal unless you make it one..
If you keep the pressure off of trying to get back together, then it won't matter whether you text or talk....
Confidence, emotional strength, and I can handle it attitude...
.. Do some small talk, get to the point, then YOU HANG UP FIRST.. BUSY MAN.. BUSY CONFIDENT MAN...