Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[25yearsmlc]

HP

Vis a vis your son you are doing great. Congrats!! That's huge.

Vis a vis your w, you just let her take up WAY too much space in your head/heart.

I long for the day when her texts make NO Difference in how you feel about your life, at all.

Thank you Mozza. I'm really feeling embarrassed about being stuck here this after all the weeks all real trouble with my W to get to this point.

I think this is important though. I do not want to hear from her and I can't have her feeling like I'm happily tolerating her behavior and this situation by being readily accessible.

OMG!!! Still you think this! Hey, she KNOWS you are NOT happy about anything having to do with her contacts. Trust me, She knows.....she's confused and she is in a power struggle with you. Period.

You must detach. She has the trump card of "What about my son??" And you have to get a grip on how YOU react inwardly and towards her. Tell yourself this:

"SO WHAT????"


At the same time, I don't want to seem like I'm bitter or hiding from her.


But you are in fact, hiding from her....aren't you? I mean, I get the avoiding part but mostly it's b/c you cannot handle contact from her, right? Isn't that hiding?

I know that, if I'm looking like I'm detached and not caring what she's doing, then I should just answer her call, hear what she says, and then dismiss her.

^^ Yep...

From all I've learned here, it seems the right thing to do is just follow up with her with a text like "What is it?" a few hours after her text. Then just expect her to be upset again. Rinse and repeat.

Yep...



Concerned again that all this keeps pushing her away. But then there's her "I'm sorry" text where she says she has ruined "our" lives. She can't possibly feel like she ruining her life though?

Yes she can...for an hour or a day...and then it gets to be too much and then she lashes out. NEXT!!

Detach...please dear God, detach.

Whatever... I know it doesn't matter what she says. I just want to have a great day today so let me finally get to it.

SHE is not stopping you.

For those who know... is her contacting me like this and expecting me to be accessible expected? Do I combat this or just learn to live with it while it lasts?

Thank you.

The latter....okay? Otherwise, you are doing great. Go love your son. Also, when you say things like HE is the reason you live or your purpose,

how about having an additional purpose like adventure, travel, helping others, creating something of lasting value, writing a novel, etc.?

It's not to diminish his importance but to show that you are NOT co-dependent and that you are not burdening him with all your needs.

What if he never has a child or wife? What if his wife leaves him? Will HE have no purpose?

Remember you are modeling a man who has a life, who ENJOYS life, who looks forward to it, and who has a lot going on in it.

Even if it doesn't always feel true, fake it til you become it.

(Have you watched those TED TALK videos about positive psychology? By Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor....

you will get a lot out of them.)

[NewB3]

25yrsmlc,
Great advice and answers above! Some of the same things apply to my current sitch. Weird how all of these different stories here are almost identical. If you read a similar story, the person is going through what you have been through, or sometimes gives you insight into what is next. Unfortunately, I am not sure what is next with my story. I find hope by reading others threads.

[HPoirot]

Thank you 25 for your post and very direct comments. I did use your "SO WHAT?" suggestion when my W texted "Reconsider having Christmas together?" I see it's just what I have to do here like everything else. I don't have to like it... just do it.

Ridiculous how I feel guilt like I abandoned and hurt my W after everything that's happened. But I do and I'm hurting myself very badly. So yes I've been hiding here this week... wanting to not be her LBH for a while b/c yes I can't handle her and her behavior right now. I didn't let myself do that being so sensitive to her contacting me.

She sent another text... "I am sorry I hurt you. More than you can know." I didn't respond... not even with a truth dart. I will next time.

The couple times we looked at each other this week, her eyes were so wide and she looked at me so sad like she wanted something. Otherwise, we don't even say hello to each other. Our handoffs of S11 are at a distance. I'm creating that distance. So what.

I'm still feeling a lot of pain... and my son saw me crying last night. We had a talk about how it's OK to cry and holding in your feelings only hurts more. He was going to call his mom when he saw me crying and I told him not to. Told him not to tell his mom anything about me.

He was so nice to me last night trying to help me. I ran out of alcohol the night before which was good as I was better yesterday. By the evening, though, I was hurting so badly I wanted a drink. Driving home from the grocery I was going to stop and pick up some beer. My son says, "you don't need beer to be happy dad." He told me to think of things that make me happy... the same thing I told him the first night in the condo. I didn't get the beer. Drank half of his root beer instead.

Yesterday I stopped by the old house to get the HDTV for S11. She knew I was picking up the TV. Saw her vodka bottle out and nearly empty. Saw a notepad that she listed her monthly apartment and living expenses on. It will be very tight for her. I saw that W had a new book by the bed... where she leaves the book she is currently reading... called "Love Sense." It's a book about the science of love and how to keep or recapture it in struggling long term relationships.

I fought not to mind read but did buy the book myself. Read it last night. I saw our R described in that book... how it got to where we are and how it can recover from there with help. There was a story in it about a couple where the W had and A and fell in love with the AP and wanted out of the M. The couple had similar lack of connection issues to me and W. The story showed how, with emotion focused therapy (EFT) help and time and patience, the couple recaptured passion and saved their M.

Hope has been a very dangerous thing with me in this sitch. Extremely painful. The book was very educational and a little comforting for me and I'll leave it at that.

S11 is away this weekend until Sunday evening with W. I have plans to work... to go to the gym... to get the car fixed.

I was very sad this morning, though. Cried again and felt pissed about it after. I wasn't going to post for a few days... but I find the sharing and support helps me feel stronger so here I am again.

Good thing, I find it easer to recover from sadness. Remembering to be positive, confident, and emotionally stable like jCred said in is post.

Being consistently emotionally stable is still an issue... so I do have my first IC appointment for Monday. Considering antidepressants.

I did look at the TED talks 25. I just have to remember to use the tools when needed. I do make myself smile and use positive body language... like this morning when I walked past W's car after she picked up S11. (We didn't speak again this morning.) I admit I want to reach out to her and ask her what she's thinking.

But yes, I let her take up WAY too much space in my head/heart. She threw that away.

My head/heart have better things to do.

[Sotto]

Hi HPoirot.

It sounds as though you're doing well. All very painful, but working your way through it.

Watch out there over Xmas with the alcohol intake...do you have 'dry' nights?

"Being consistently emotionally stable is still an issue"...well, I think we'll all join you on that one!!

Sounds like things could be shifting for your wife maybe??

Toots

[HPoirot]

Thank you Toots for your post. I have not thought of "dry" nights. When I was living with W, I stopped drinking to stop my major backslides and R talks. Since I've been in the condo I've wanted to relax so started again in the late evening which I see didn't help my PMA. I know I must find something to get excited about daily as I see what the drinking has done with my W.

As for my W... I can't allow myself to believe she's shifting. She does seem to be doing self-examination going to an IC and admitting her issues. But I have zero trust in her which is so very sad to me. Worse that she said I can't trust her.

So I can't allow myself to think why she has that book or what she really means when she talks about her remorse or just anything she says or does that looks positive. She even talked about still going to a couples weekend just before I left her.

It's too painful to go there so I'm working on staying positive about activities I can enjoy daily for myself and S11. I have not made that daily enjoyment happen yet.

[HPoirot]

Well... looks like I messed up...

S11 was supposed to spend this afternoon with W. He told her, though, that he was worried about me b/c I was in my room crying last night and he wanted to spend this evening with me to take care of me. He also said he felt she was hurting me. So she just dropped him off and called me to say he was coming up. She asked me how I was. I didn't say anything. I asked her how she was. She said she was worried about me and told me what S11 said. I said don't worry about me, that I would take care of S11, and let me know when she'll pick him up later tonight. I hung up. She called back twice but I didn't answer.

Funny b/c I want to speak with her very much today. Now, though, she's the very last person on the planet I can afford to talk to.

I thought I couldn't hate all this any more than I already do. I'm just going to let this go then as nothing's changed. Just can't let myself cry anywhere near my son as now he's in the middle of this even worse. What a mess. Despite everything that's happened I fail to show her I'm fine without her b/c I'm not. I'm angry and hurt and it shows and I want this to stop. This is literally hell.

[Little]

Cry in the shower. It's cathartic.

Also, go drive some place. Driving is my safe thinking spot, I sometimes drive around and just sob. It helps.

[Calibri]

Have you given up your cold showers? Maybe start those up again? I accidentally did a cold shower this morning, and thought of you and your stitch. I didn't know how you could do it - but somehow - it had some sort of calming effect on me.

Agree with Little. Cry in the shower. Or drive somewhere else and cry.

Also, I would avoid telling your son not to talk about you to your W. He's confused as well.

Hang in there.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Calibri and Little. After all the days of coolly dealing with spew and crying by my W, now my emotions are really catching up with me. I've felt anxious and cried off and on all day today. I know it's normal and I shouldn't be embarrassed... but I am embarrassed especially as my son saw me and now my W wants to feel great feeling sorry for me.

I really want to brutally yell at and shake my W tonight. And now my W wants to change the schedule and have S11 with her for Christmas eve and Christmas morning.

I know everyone here is dealing with WAS who are horribly unrepentant and entitled while dancing through the pain around them. But I'm sick to death of it. I know the solution to that is detaching and I'm trying/faking as much as I can. Maybe antidepressants will help me there. I know GALing will do it. I'll get there. Just angry right now.

[Wonka]

HP,

Sorry for dropping off as I was occupied with "stuff."

I am sorry that you're really feeling sad and hurt. The holidays do a mental and emotional trip on the LBS big time.

S11 was supposed to spend this afternoon with W. He told her, though, that he was worried about me b/c I was in my room crying last night and he wanted to spend this evening with me to take care of me. He also said he felt she was hurting me. So she just dropped him off and called me to say he was coming up. She asked me how I was. I didn't say anything. I asked her how she was. She said she was worried about me and told me what S11 said. I said don't worry about me, that I would take care of S11, and let me know when she'll pick him up later tonight. I hung up. She called back twice but I didn't answer.

I think it's time for another chat with S11 about his need to 'take care of you' for it is an hellva burden on such young shoulders. And you can say that he does not need to report everything you say or do to his Mom and vice versa for her. I sense that he's in the "people pleaser" spot. What do you think?

I also wanted to address W's comment about not meaning to hurt your or wanting any of this. It's time for you to be authentic with some selective truth darts. Doesn't mean that you get all Wet Noodle and tell her of every hurt & negative emotion.

Here's a suggestion for the next time W trots out the same friggin script on you:

W, you've said this several times. To me, it is meaningless because if one is sincere in their apology, then effort would have been made to change the behavior that is causing damage to the family...especially to our marriage. I'm not seeing any genuine actions from you to end things with the OM completely. We are in this situation precisely because I am NOT willing to continue to live in an open marriage. You've made a choice where there's consequences. Very serious indeed. So don't talk to me like this....it's insulting.

Can you make special plans with just you and S11 over the weekend? See the Christmas lights. Make a homemade batch of popcorn and watch some great boy-man movies?

Keep going, buddy. We're holding you up.