KGirl - one year later

[claire7]

I think I agree with mozza, But I'm not sure you sound like you can do this with no expectations.

Sounds like you threw your hail mary... and didn't get the result you were hoping for.

I know I'm saying this in a clunky way. .. I don't mean it to sound harsh. But my gut is telling me you haven't really let go. .. what do you think?

If he comes back, don't you want it to be obvious and very clear? He knows where to find you if he wants back in. I'm worried you are setting yourself up to be upset over this dinner. . Or what happens after. ..

I hope I'm making sense. It's really late here. .

[labug]

OK. I might be a complete and total idiot. But now I really need some help so I'm hoping y'all will help me even if I'm an idiot...

In a moment of weakness in thinking I saw some sort of potential, I emailed H yesterday, noting that I had been thinking a lot about our conversation from Sunday (I didn't want to admit it here because I felt dumb and was sure it would go nowhere). I explained that one of my biggest regrets was how I handled his trip to Las Vegas (which kind of was the beginning of the end), even little things like being guarded when he came home instead of being excited. I also went on to say that I don't want to be stuck in the past anymore, I spent too much time. What's done is done, it can't be changed, I would prefer to live in the present going forward. I made a joke about how I felt like the guy in front of Kiera Knightley's door in Love Actually with the signs and then saying "ok.. it's done," and "because it's Christmas", that I wanted to extend an invitation to dinner and just talk (not about our R or us, anything else) and see where it might take us. I specifically said this: "Maybe you'd be surprised. Maybe it's not a good idea because no matter what you'll still have things going on with you where it won't make any difference, or you have no interest in me besides friends. If part 2 is the case, just let me know and I won't ever bother you again. Maybe I'm just confused and misunderstanding everything but it seems like there's potential here."

This was his response:

"Your email made me smile with the Love Actually references and I appreciated your explanation of things. However, I don't want to lead you on or have you get any expectations, but I would be willing to meet for dinner. I'd be free Thursday evening if that works for you.

Let me know."

So... what do I do with that? I thought I made it clear in my email that if he really didn't want anything besides friends then no dinner (but maybe I wasn't clear enough). Do I clarify and reply back "Just to be clear.. if you really don't want anything to happen with us in the future besides friends, then I don't think dinner would be a good idea." Do I just do the dinner and see what happens? Am I being dumb by going "out of order" and not laying out boundaries and making sure he's 100% committed before hanging out with him in a fun way? Does he think this is just a friend dinner and not understand MY email? Or does he get it and while doesn't want to give my hopes up, also want to see where things might lead? Or does he just want to get laid?

Cr*p. I was sure he would say no and then I could just wash my hands of it and work on the letting him go part.

Just gonna mind read here-he thinks you want the sex.

Can you have a R that's purely sexual with him? If you can, go for it.

[paul19510]

Kgirl, I agree with bug. There was another person here last year whose WAS had sex with hermany times after he left. It was very confusing and hurtful. In the end her now XH sort of admitted it really didn't mean much to him and was more a biological/comforting activity than really ML and reconnecting. Ie just hooking up really. Look up a poster named Melissa from last year. If you go to dinner, don't allow yourself to sleep with him afterwards (unless you can do it just for pleasure and not feel hurt....which most of us here can't) .

You are young, strong and ready to take on the world. If he wants you make him work to earn you back. I don't think he will at this moment in time....go out and enjoy the life you have worked hard for. (((Kgirl)))

[labug]

Ahhhh Melissa...

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

Great advice from all and some insightful words from Paul. I don't think there is anything wrong with going to dinner-provided you can view it as dinner. Take it at face value.

I have the feeling that you are hoping for more. This is mindreading but i do want to say that I don't think your h has no feelings for you. He would literally have to be a robot not to feel things for you. However, that doesn't mean that he is capable of a healthy R.

I also don't get the impression that you could separate $ex from havin true meaning. Most men can and some women can ( I have no problem separating the two and I haven't been with many people either). You ultimately need to do what you feel is best, although I don't see anything different with him.

Good luck!

[Pink17]

KGirl,

Take it from what happen to me very recently. I went out for dinner with my H and we end up in bed. Although it was gentle and pretty romantic, afterwards I feel I made a mistake allowing that to happen. After that I asked H for time and space because I need it for myself.

Confusion sets in and it's not a good feeling. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, all the rejection you need to digest these days.

But here goes some questions for you to think about:

1.What you think to accomplish with this meeting w/XH?
2.Is this to show your 180s?
3.Are you trying to establish a friendly R with him?
4.Are you prepare for more rejection if it happen?
5.Do you have the desire for one more time intimacy with him?
6.If it happen to have sex, are you prepare to be just that?
7.Do you think he will read it as you are needy, lonely?
8.Do you want some more explanations of why the D happen to you both?
9.If so, do you have the right questions for him?
10.Is this decision out of hurt or out of well tough process?

We know your H by what you tell us here, so it's not so easy to tell if he would be appreciative and understanding with the fact that you are inviting him for dinner. The bottom line is that you know it is you asking him and I just hope you don't feel worse aftermath.

Be careful sunshine, sometimes silence says a lot more then a thousand words.

Will be praying you have wisdom to do the right thing and get to the other side a better you.

((((KGilr)))))
Pink

[stacey9]

You've had some great advice K-Girl.

I have to say in all honesty I would go to dinner and enjoy it. You can show him how awesome you are and what he's missing. But have no expectations whatsoever.

My H has totally and completely moved on. If he showed me a tiny sign that he wanted to meet with me sometime for dinner and a chat I would jump at the chance.

Good luck!

[rd500]

K girl. Please take care This is a dodgy one. Don't let your heart rule your head. ( or other parts) Take care

[labug]

Wow, mention sex and it really brings people out of the woodwork!

[KGirl]

Ha.. that or I just sounded desperate in my plea.

Lots to think about. It's kind of like I threw a hail mary expecting it to not work but at least I could say I left it all on the field... and then it worked, but it put the game into overtime instead of ending it..?? I had thought I was pretty far along on letting go. I had taken a ton of actions I wasn't ready to do earlier when I was holding out hope - purchasing some bigger ticket household items that H got in the property split, changing my address officially with USPS (which he got notifications about and pointed out to me when I saw him Sunday), cancelled a particular insurance he was on, changed my address with work. I was feeling pretty confident about being on the right path. Then we talked and something changed, I don't know what exactly, but he seemed reluctant and hesitant and regretful.

I've been thinking about this obvious gesture thing. I'm conflicted, because I feel like he's not the type of person to make a big grand gesture and wanting that is like wanting a cat to bark. It's something that I (emphasis on I) would like but is not really him and I have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. I don't think I want it to be, it's not a hill worth dying on... I mean, I was kind of upset with him for awhile after we got engaged because it wasn't big enough or surprising enough. I need to be able to accept the small gestures. It brings to mind a post labug had where her H quietly put his ring back on one day, and she commented that the old labug would have been upset that there wasn't a big ceremony or something like that. Now she could appreciate it for what it was, even if it wasn't grand (or am I way off base in comparing these things?)

I don't want a purely sexual R. I have no intention of that happening if we do dinner. Sex would certainly have meaning for me and I'm not interested in doing it casually, so nope, not going there. I am not going to let my other parts or underwear or whatever rule there ; ) I consider this (and here is where maybe H and I differ, it's hard to tell based on this response) kind of like a first date. You don't know where it will go with the person, but you're checking it out. I could just as easily decide "nope, he's not what I want, still a jerk, at least I confirmed that." Or he could say "sorry, but I'm firm on my decision." Or maybe not. Who knows. So I don't *think* I have expectations, because I know the chances of this changing anything about the path before us are pretty low, but I do have a little hope that it *might*. Or maybe it will help me confirm that what I saw Sunday was just a temporary show to get me in bed and not real. I think I would rather take the opportunity and still having the same outcome (which would be sad, yes, but not anything worse than how it's already been), than to not take it and always wonder what might have happened if I had. I don't know, I'm still undecided. But I will certainly keep you updated if anything happens!