Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[UpperCu]

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you;         
be not dismayed, for I am your God;     
I will strengthen you, I will help you,         
I will uphold you with  
my righteous right hand.

[Hope414]

Jefe,

You've been taking a lot of blows. How are you handling all this? If you aren't posting no one can talk back.

[SunnyB]

Jefe, how was the weekend? I hope things are looking up for you.

[Jefe]

Thanks guys. I'm doing okay. I've popped in here a few times and have started to type something but then end up dumping it and leaving. I just don't feel like I have anything important or useful to say, sorry.

[SunnyB]

Jefe, don't think you have to say something profound. Lots of times I journal that nothing happened whatsoever. People are nice to me anyway, and it makes me feel better. We are here for you.

How's your grandma? Any interactions with your W? Everything with the girls going OK?

[Jefe]

Grandma is doing ok. However, her hallucinations are growing more frequent and more vivid by the day and we're still not sure why. We also are not sure if she could or even should come home for Christmas. There's a strong possibility she may never come "home".

My uncle crafted a beautiful plan/story for the death of the dog which completely removed me from the hot seat, so very thankful for that. She's taking it as well as she possibly could.

The kids are doing good. They still ebb and flow from could care less to crying at night missing having her home with us. But then again, don't we all?

The wife? Yeah, we swing all over the place too. She's back to finding silly reasons, ones that could wait, to call or text every day. Some days, I'm right on it. Others, well my phone has a neat feature where I can delay a text or send one a a specific time. That has worked well for me by being able to answer it right away but sending it 15-45 minutes later without forgetting. She did go to church yesterday, not to our church but another very poplar one nearby. Funny choice though, because they are even more stout on marriage and upholding vows than ours is. But I am very thankful that she went.

Am I detached?

No.

Can I go at least 45 minutes a day without thinking about her?
(As Twinmom suggested)

Sure.

Am I enjoying the holidays this year?

Not even close.

No one thing has robbed my joy, but the cumulative weight has become very difficult to carry some days.

And this too shall pass.

Thank you RPP for caring. The rest of you guys too.

[FunDad]

Hi Jefe,

Sounds like you are doing a bit better. I understand the joy being less this year for sure. There is no way around it, only through it.

My goal for the Holidays: "Dont' make it worse". That may seem odd, but it's very simple. I treat this holiday season the same as I would a disaster seen. Our guiding principle is that no matter what we do, just don't make it worse. Maybe this approach will help you establish a baseline also.

God Bless You Sir. :-)

FD

[SunnyB]

Jefe, I agree with FD, you do sound just a little better. I hope that's true. That's a pretty neat feature on your phone, smart of you to make use of that. What are you doing for Christmas Eve tonight?

[Sotto]

Hi Jefe

I think that's good advice from Fundad - just get through it and don't make it worse. I'm also thinking - hey, it's not much of a life if you don't have a few cr@ppy Xmases here and there! I feel I've been pretty lucky in my life and have mostly had nice times at Xmas. This year isn't nice, but hey-ho and on we go!

I don't feel too bad. I'm heading off to my parents for a couple of nights this pm, and we'll just have a quiet, no pressure Xmas.

Season's Greetings to you all, and chin up Jefe. You're doing really well, and your friends are all here for you buddy!

xx

[Jefe]

Jefe, I agree with FD, you do sound just a little better. I hope that's true. That's a pretty neat feature on your phone, smart of you to make use of that. What are you doing for Christmas Eve tonight?

Well, I don't feel like driving my truck into a bridge support today, that's a start, lol.

Yes, that feature has saved me for sure. That way I get to feel like I took care of it right away, but she sees that I'm not too eager or willing to be at her beck and call. I used it a bunch last week and week before.

Off to breakfast at this McDonald's (ughh) we found the other day that has a huge playground. Conveniently next to one of the sane-er Wally Worlds because we have some last minute shopping to do. Then home to straighten up and bake some cookies for Santa.

At 6pm we are going to the candle-light service at church and my wife's cousin has asked about going with us. I never thought this man would ever step foot in a church of any kind if he wasn't going to a funeral. Praise God.

I think that's good advice from Fundad - just get through it and don't make it worse. I'm also thinking - hey, it's not much of a life if you don't have a few cr@ppy Xmases here and there! I feel I've been pretty lucky in my life and have mostly had nice times at Xmas. This year isn't nice, but hey-ho and on we go!

FD's take is definitely a good one. DON'T MAKE IT WORSE! I think I can do that, but given my past history....

Toot's this actually made me laugh. I have only had one or two crazy Christmas's and I guess I can add this one to it. It will fit nicely on the shelf next to the Drunk Family Christmas of '92 when I threw everyone out of my apartment. Good Times.

Wife came by yesterday to bring a slew of gifts for under the tree and we had a pleasant exchange. IDK, just was glad she came by yesterday.

The wife has to work all day today and will most likely have to work late because I'm sure the delivery schedule will look psychotic. All those last minute Amazon shipments. I actually have a lot of empathy for her today. I think she's hurting inside the closer we get to Christmas and there's not a single thing I can do to help her. She's going to have to go this road alone. I think she's got a lot of pain. Some I've caused. Some she's caused. Some that just is. And she hasn't a single clue what to do with it. Maybe mind reading on my part, but I know my wife.

I want to reach out to her this morning and tell her that I hope she has a great day, to let her know that someone is thinking of her and cares, just don't know if I should.

Hope414, and everyone else. I'm sorry but I had to pull back for a minute or two. I know you guys can't help if I'm not talking. I just didn't want any help for a brief moment. I just needed to breathe and recompose myself. I'm not saying I'm better or that I won't go dark again before the Holidays are done and over with. I will do a little better job of poking my head in here, though.

Ah, but wait. she just bridged the gap and texted first just now. She said she may not have to work late and wants to come over tonight afterwards. Mixed emotions, but thankful for anything the kids and I can get.