I have been impressed with how well you have been handling everything. Keeping your boundaries firm is great. Keep up the good work. I wish you the best.
M-44 W-44 Sons- 11&14 Married- 18 Together- 27 Separation mentioned- 9-29-14 Still together, but not "together" "if you feel rotten and forgotten, remember there'll be better days."
Not much to report this weekend. We've gotten along fine, no more talk of meeting OM when he comes back into town. I'm sure it's coming though. Interactions have all been positive.
We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our downtown square decorates in thousands of lights for the holidays. We're taking the Ds downtown tomorrow night for pics and pizza. We'll be at home for Christmas and take one day to go to Oklahoma to be with W's family.
Only having one family to be with over Christmas has removed a lot of stress. Especially since I've been finding out how dysfunctional my family really is. W told me how much healthier and happier I am now that I've gotten my family into perspective; that they were a big weight on both of us. I couldn't agree more. I can see having some sort of relationship with my parents in the future, but it will be much more limited. My W, if we remain married, no longer has any obligation from me to have a relationship with them. I think this will be an important factor in healing our marriage.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Your sitch reminds me of something my IC told me: separation can be a mean of communication in a couple. It sounds like your W had something strong to say about your parents and this finally got her heard. You're d well.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My family and especially my parents have been a huge issue. Lots of unhealthiness, emotional bullying, etc. Especially after talking with my aunt, who basically confirmed what my W had been trying to tell me all along, it became apparent that separation from my family, at least for the time being, was going to be very important if my W and I are going to heal.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
This may sound like a pity party, but that's why I write this stuff here so I don't say it IRL.
We had a great evening out with the girls. We had slipped into a little discussion about OM (I didn't initiate) before leaving and I reiterated my opposition to having him in her life in any way if we're to have a chance to heal. She didn't like that but kept it low key (perhaps to keep from ruining the evening for the girls), but during the evening while we were out she was warm and loving, spontaneously affectionate. I was thinking "I responded strongly, and it worked!" I was patting myself on the back a little bit.
After we got home, the subject of her meeting OM for drinks (to get "clarity") when he's back in town came up. I basically gave her the "over my dead body" answer again. Well, that brought the old WAW out that I remember so well. I was "bullying" her. I was interfering with her getting the clarity she wants, all she wanted to do was talk to him, she "helped" put our marriage in a bad place but it's still mostly my fault...yada yada yada. I didn't back down, but it didn't get resolved.
Would someone please remind me why I'm fighting so hard? It's obvious she has no intention of respecting my boundaries. I could threaten to leave and she'd probably help me pack. She won't even admit to me or herself that she's involved in an affair. I do believe that NC has held. All my intel tells me that's the case.
Am I fighting because I want to stay married to her, or because I'm afraid of having my world change? I honestly don't know anymore.
I don't hate her. I can't. I'll always love her. But I'm starting to wonder if she's not right; that too much time has passed and too much damage has been done to our marriage to repair. She's seething with resentment.
Maybe we really are keeping each other from being the people we want to be and being with the people we should be with. Maybe we were meant to be together for a while to have our children but not meant to be together for life.
I met someone the other day. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and ambitious. I had her laughing from the minute I got in her cubicle; the attraction is obviously mutual. Of course, I had to be honest and tell her I was married, dammit. I don't have any intention of doing anything with her. That would make me as bad as OM and it's unfair to her. But it did start me wondering; there's scores of beautiful, interesting women out there; why am I fighting so hard to keep my unfaithful wife who, to be honest, I haven't been exactly happy with for much of our marriage either?
If there weren't children involved, chances are we wouldn't have made it for as long as we have.
I'm sick of loneliness, of fear, of analyzing every damn thing she does or says. I want warmth again. She's outwardly warm most of the time, but I know she's not really all there. I want to spend my time with a woman who doesn't look at me as her obstacle to happiness.
Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I should just let go and let God.
Or maybe I'm just sleep-deprived and discouraged again.
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/23/1402:28 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
How are you wording "over my dead body"? Are you saying it like that or are you saying, "You can make the choice as you see fit, but this is my boundary and...."?
She needs to get that it's HER choice. She can see OM if she wants. She cannot see OM AND work on her relationship with you.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I do say that it's her choice, it is. But I make it clear that seeing OM and working on our marriage don't go together. She calls talking to OM as her chance for clarity and is part of working on our marriage. (Must stop eye rolling....)
Her stock answer is that I'm smothering her and painting her into a corner; she demands space and freedom, but wants it to be consequence-free.
I tell her that she's not the only one who can pull the trigger on our marriage. Doesn't phase her. I think she'd welcome that so that she wouldn't be the bad guy.
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/23/1402:40 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Good, good. I don't know that there's any way to address this that she will "get it". Hopefully a vet might be able to give you more advice on how to respond other than wait and see what she does.
I'm sorry; it sounds super frustrating and disheartening. That must suck.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
