HP, do you go to the gym and work out? I think it would be healthy on so many levels. May help with anger also. Maybe you and S11 could do it together. Maybe it could be part of GAL.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes Wonka... it was interesting how hard it was to pour that bottle down the sink. There was a time I rarely had a drink. Then, over the years, my W and I came enjoy a drink or 2 or 3 together every night. I never thought anything of it. My W a few times did express how she thought she might be alcoholic. That it could be more than taking the edge off her day. I always reassured her. Lesson learned. I drove by a few beer stored today. Noticed each one. I'm watching myself.
And on a woman's company too. I agree right now that that's coming from my place of "neediness" as much as wanting a drink. I'm determined to now become a fully self-assured man who creates the life he wants to live without neediness. I'm framing all this as my best opportunity to do this for myself.
And sandi yes I did join a gym and I will workout on a regular schedule. Unfortunately S11 is too young to go with me but I will do something like the 7 minute workout with him in the condo. There's also a rock climbing gym near here where I will climb with him.
One another thing I'm still working on... interacting with W without showing anger. She just came by to drop off S11. She tried to talk to me about the schedule change she wanted... having S11 on Christmas eve and morning. Honestly, I looked at her like she was sh*t again. Talked evenly and businesslike but bruskly... told her to let S11 stay on the original schedule. Told her to email me anything else she wanted. Told her thanks and walked away before she could say anything.
I'm slamming the door on her and R like Chuck cautioned me not to do. So my goal this week is to be better me in the short times I see W. Just co-workerish. Professional. And then keep that going. I know it's critical to the R goal to be the lighthouse right now... to be better me and not angry me. I have to work on this... acting "as-if" I'm past her so I'm not angry now. Not intuitive at all.
So I should see her again on Tuesday. I saw that she bought me a Christmas present for S11 to give to me from him. I'll work with S11 to find something for her. Part of me, though, thinks she should just get a card.
Honestly, it would be so nice and easy to go out right now, get a six pack of beer, pick up a nice full-bodied girlfriend, and drop some quick divorce papers in the mail before I sit down to watch football.
HA! See I made myself smile...
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Noticed that, when I wake up, I say "Another day in hell" to myself. Even if I'm joking, I can't afford to do that.
Did some different things today... Went to a new barbershop in a part of the city I've never been to get my head shaved and beard trimmed. I usually do this myself but it was good to get out of the condo. Now I look like a well groomed angry hard big man. Nice.
My dad called then to make sure I was on track. He's very detail oriented and it was good he's checking up on me. I feel, though, that I'm clearly not doing enough to be self-sufficient as he had to push me on some things. Time for me to push myself harder.
After s11 came home, I left him to his video games this afternoon which I shouldn't have. Wanted to go for a walk in the woods with him but didn't. I sat and watched a football game I didn't care about. I'm made less than good choices today.
I saw I started to wallow again... so I did get up and finally unpack my suitcases after a week of living out of them. Straightened up my bedroom. I did make myself feel better with the activity. Ordered pepperoni stromboli dinner for me and S11 b/c I haven't started cooking yet. We should have gone out for burgers. Was a little short with S11 just now. He was taking too long to eat. I let him eat in front of the computer which I shouldn't have. Too much I shouldn't have tonight.
I'm irritable. Noting now that I'm not always being on guard living with W, I really really need to have a nightly thing to do. I'll get some board games to play with s11. That and/or get a complicated model to build with him like someone suggested here. Neither of those things really appeal to me, though. I have to start somewhere, though, b/c watching TV is terrible for my PMA and my mind floods with hateful and sorrowful thoughts of W.
That's why I was thinking crazy thoughts just now... Considered calling W to talk. Texting her something to tell her I want to talk. That I'm sorry for cutting her off today. That I'm sorry for ignoring her and treating her like sh*t this week. Feeling angry with myself for even thinking of reaching out to this person who has been so horrible and thoughtless. Wishing I had really yelled at her in anger when I first thought she was in an LDEA instead of being kind and understanding. Knowing that she's hurt and angry and leading with her emotions and I'm just going to have to be the one who takes whatever comes from her with head held high. Knowing that, if I reach out to her, then I'm weak needy man pursuing a W who doesn't want him. I'm not a weak man... just a good man making the same mistakes over and over. That's not good enough. I'm so much better than this. Damn guilt.
So, among the other things I'm doing to grow, I'm going to plan and take a trip to Miami for me and my boy. That and a trip just for me... by myself. To Belize or Brazil. Hell maybe volunteer in Cuba. Something to look forward to. To build myself up to.
Use each day to move forward. Right... I didn't move forward today.
I'm sorry... I'm sad again. Cried in the bathroom like a baby. I'm sick of it but that's just how it's going to be for a while.
Day #9 tomorrow.
I can do this. I just have to believe I can. I'm going to make it.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Use each day to move forward. Right... I didn't move forward today.
Hi HPoirot, you had some good things in your post. The honesty of a "sad" day. Not calling or texting your W. Getting a haircut .
I wanted to send you a quick note on your statement that you would like to "use each day to move forward." I recommend you do not put that kind of pressure on yourself. It's alright to have a bad day. Just don't let it turn into a bad week.
And every day doesn't have to be a day of growth for you. There are ups and downs in your R. And there are ups and downs on how you feel. Embrace the good days and the bad days as well, it's part of the healing process. So relax, and don't feel like each day you have to move forward. You have my best wishes.
Sorry that you feel that you're floundering about without any direction. I'm glad to read that your father is trying to be supportive of you in his own way. Parents mean well. rolling eyes
Why not start your day with a positive daily affirmation? For some ideas, you might want to check out Hay House.
How about sitting down and planning out a routine during a normal week? Plan out meals. Plan out regular sit-down dinners with S11. I read not too long ago that Obama and his family talk about "what were my thorns" and "what were my roses" when discussing how their day went. I thought it was interesting for it was their bonding time and forging a way to connect as a family.
You don't need to go long distances to give back. It can be done right in your own community. One can volunteer once a week (or whatever frequency) at the local homeless shelter or pet rescue center. Perhaps you and S11 can do this together. It will be a great way to show your son in order to broaden his horizons. The other benefit would be meeting fascinating new people.
Every year, I honor my late father by buying Thanksgiving dinners for the less fortunate by making a contribution to a charity that distributes Thanksgiving turkeys and a bag of goodies to needy families. He's done this for years by rounding up (I say "hounding" for he was very persuasive). In turn, I receive letters from recipients expressing their gratitude. Serving others fills up your soul. Try to be expansive, HP.
Hey HPoirot - Just stopping by to say how impressed I am with your journey. You've done a lot of difficult things, you've fought your instincts, you've looked at yourself. What you're doing now with alcohol is also impressive. And the gym too (7-minute workout highly recommended!).
You're hard on yourself because of your attitude with your W and it's good that you're striving to find the right balance. Know that a lot of us are going through the same thing -- either I'm old distant Mozza or I'm a wet noodle.
To me, you're a success story in the making on these boards because, regardless of the outcome, you're doing the right thing for you and S11. Keep at it, you're an inspiration.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Today I started excellently. Wonka's suggestion of a daily morning affirmation reminded me that, before all this started, I started or ended most days listening to a 20 minute positive hypnotherapy recording. I found it and listened to it 3 times this morning before getting out of bed. Extremely calming and centering. I jumped out of bed, finished cleaning up my bedroom, made my bed for the first time here (I usually do this everyday), made myself a cup of green tea for the first time here, and sat down for breakfast with S11. We watched the sun come up.
Even better, I brought a large pile of old IRS tax notices from the old house. There happens to be a paper shredder here so I am shredding them. I used to hide this pile in my closet from myself and my W. I built up a lot of fear in this pile... and with it I brought myself down as a man over the years. My W saw that... now I'm here. I'm letting that fear go this morning. Just pieces of paper.
And I could clearly image myself being better me as I was meditating this morning. From those visions, I'm framing my sitch differently for my own good... My W wasn't good to me or S11. We have an opportunity to all grow and be better, stronger people together and she was very weak and made a bad decision and then tried to hide it from us while saying we're her #1 priority. Now, from the pain of that decision, I know much more about myself and where I went wrong and I'm being a better man today and everyday from now on.
I remember I imagined a life without my W for a while b/c she was not good to me... she complained about her life instead of doing something about it... was often very negative about everything... was often the one not trying to have fun and be happy where we were. She's not perfect and is certainly not worthy of me and S11 right now. I have to be realistic about her too.
And that's why I left her. I left her. She only threatened to walk out on me... but I was the one who took my life in my hands and walked out. I will make my life better for myself and my son. I will carry myself like a man worth following... a man who has a direction and a destination and is walking that path no matter what comes.
I will keep going.
I won't give up.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/22/1402:29 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Again S11s phone was not plugged in, and my phone was in the other room, so W called a number of times and left VMs and text about how it's unacceptable we don't answer and she's worried and to call back before she assumes the worst.
I just had s11 charge his phone and call her. I said "so what?" to myself until the negative feelings lessened. I'll just have to make sure S11 at least can hear his phone.
Still... her calls and texts moved me negatively again. This time I had something to do which helped so thank you 25. I will get to the place where hearing from her doesn't bother me.
She called then. I looked at the phone and after a bit answered. She talked about splitting time on Christmas and New Years and his birthday like she asked for on an earlier text. She said she wanted our car. She said she had no money for a rental car. I reminded her I would be happy to pay for half. She said we have to talk about money, where we're going to live, when we're going to get together and pack the old house. I reminded her we already talked about those things. Where she lives is up to her. She said she talking about s11 now. She asked if I was ever going to talk to her. I said I'll do the best I can.... just send me an email with details and I'll consider it. I said I have to get back to work and hung up.
Then I saw she had sent a text... "PLEASE confirm." I knew that she sent that text before she called. I called her anyway. Said businesslike I saw her text... confirm what? She said what she just talked about. Then she asked how S11 was doing. I said he was happy playing his games. She said he told her yesterday that she seemed so happy and none of this was bothering her. She said that wasn't true... that all this was the hardest thing in the world. She said that I was probably right to leave the house b/c being in there together was awful. I didn't say what part of me wanted to say... to stop all this... that all this is fixable... just come home. I didn't say anything. She said she couldn't cry b/c she was in a meeting. We hung up.
I want to start a talk with her but I won't. I want to listen if she starts to talk but I'm not giving her the chance. I shouldn't have called back. All of this is so stupid and painful but necessary. I'm still hearing DB coach Chuck suggesting to spend Christmas together. I won't do that with my W chasing an A. I admit that part of me wants to but I know it won't help or change anything. I want to believe it will make things worse.
Just keep in my sandbox... keep working on me.
I have to leave her alone.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/22/1404:01 PM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
The next time W brings up how sorry she's hurt you or how this is hard on her, you need to use this script:
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Here's a suggestion for the next time W trots out the same friggin script on you:
W, you've said this several times. To me, it is meaningless because if one is sincere in their apology, then effort would have been made to change the behavior that is causing damage to the family...especially to our marriage. I'm not seeing any genuine actions from you to end things with the OM completely. We are in this situation precisely because I am NOT willing to continue to live in an open marriage. You've made a choice where there's consequences. Very serious indeed. So don't talk to me like this....it's insulting.
As for not answering her texts right away, I would say: W, you need to be aware that S11 and I will not be able to respond to your texts/phone calls right away because we are occupied with things. I want to reiterate that you please email me with issues so I can give them some thought before responding. Texts and phone calls are to be used for emergencies only. I will not respond to them if they are not emergencies. Thanks. HP
Then enforce it. Ignore your phone if W blows them up w/ non-emergency info. This is for YOUR own mental well being.
Regarding the car, W needs to make plans on that one way or another. It is what she wanted: a S. Let her find out what life's like without the comforts of H and sharing things jointly.
After reading through your posts - yes, we are in the exact same situation. Doesn't this blow? I am beside myself and every morning I wake up with dread in the pit of my stomach.
I agree with you and Wonka, there is no negotiating or talking or reasoning with them with they are involved with their AP. However much it hurts, we just have to let them figure this out for their own sake. There is nothing we can do, except protect ourselves from their poor choices.
I am rooting for you and learning from your situation. Currently I am no contact with WAW as much as that kills me. We swap kids, but it's very very akward.
I am still learnin the art of no contact and make a lot of mistakes, but I am a work in progress.
I will get some self affirmation apps for my phone too, that sounded like a really good idea.
Take care of yourself, continue to post often. I am learning from you.
.