Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[jim0987]

It does feel like the divorce is inevitable. seeing her avoid me and make such an effort so she can enjoy her relationship with OM just hurts.

My biggest issue in our R was my perception of her lack of effort - Im pretty sure that I made her feel judged for this. I just wanted her to make me feel wanted. (My issue I know)

Anyway when its not in my face I feel better, what I don't know is what's better for my long term goal of Reconciliation.

[edz]

Your last point there is the most important imho, when its just you you can focus on where you are going or detatch, one seems to feed the other from what I've experienced so far anyway.

As to your comment on w I can say in my marriage I felt unwanted and "on standby" for a long time only being brought off the shelf when s wasn't around, a lot of that was my codependancy speaking and I know that now, not saying its the same in your case though.

[jim0987]

Its difficult to know how much was my codependency/nice guy stuff and how much was my wife actually being really withdrawn.

Either way I didn't 'feel' like she wanted me. I put it down to the pressures of kids and other stuff but I realise now its that we had lost that connection that a relationship needs to survive. Both of us I think put the emphasis on the other one to fix it (I know I did).

The fact that now she definitely doesn't want me and wants someone else is just the culmination of pain I've been feeling for years.

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Nothing I can say to help but keep strong mate. Rd

[Hoju]

Hey Jim, I'm still reading through your long introspective post, it's really good and speaks to me, I see a lot of similarities in our thought processes.

I understand how hard sharing the same space with a WAW can be. Just keep up the PMA and try to stay out of her way.

[jim0987]

So i'm going to give myself a 2x4 and feel free to add some extra weight behind it.

My wife came into my room this morning as she always does and my PMA was off (bad nights sleep)I tried to avoid her but she was just sat on my bed.

I cant remember exactly how it got started (soemthing to do with christmas) but we had a sporadic Relationship conversation as we both got up this morning and i was not in a positive place for it.

Things i said during the course of this conversation which i doubt helped me included

- I'm upset by not seeing my kids at christmas
- Its different for me this year because by next year we would have had a full year to come to terms with it and for you this is what you want
- I'm not saying it its not my fault, i am saying that its entirely your choice
- No matter how it gets dressed up or what reasons get given i've always known that i left my Ex for you
- I'm not blaming you for the issues in our marriage, I am saying that this is your choice

we then had a bit of a discussion about the seperation agreement and that she will be moving out on the 13th January. which triggered another exchange

M: well thats as long as the seperation agreement is signed
W: Well I need to take a lot of stuff out
M: I need all the financial stuff in their
W: well i will let you have my comments
M: I'm not handing over any money until i protect myself financially
W: I understand that, its stuff to do with the kids I want to take out. It shouldn't be in a legal agreement that we have to go to court to change. We should do all this stuff on trust
M: Its more difficult to trust when you are being so persistantly dishonest
W: well you never did trust me did you
M: I always trusted you, I still don't understand what it is i did that made you think i didnt trust you
M: I know that i wasnt very good and explaining how i was feeling or bringing up issues with you but i always trusted that we would work through any issues together
W: I dont want to talk about it
M: I trusted you completely, if i didnt i wouldnt have been so blindsided by all of this

there was some more back and forth where she pushed me on what i thought she was being dishonest about and I said:

M: look you've been seeing him for 3 months now, just let me know before you introduced him to our kids
W: I dont what you think you know or are trying to imply with your veiled comments
M: there is nothing veiled about my comment
W: I dont have to explain my self to you. I can see my friends and make new friends if i want
M: of course and i never stopped you from doing any of that
W: I'm not seeing anyone
M: well i guess im just going to have to trust you on that

She is absolutely lying and in a full on relationship with OM1, we both know it

I finished up by saying about 10 minutes later
'I know i've been off the last few times we've seen each other but the prospect of christmas without the kids really hurts me.'


So massive 2x4 to myself - STFU Jim

I have know idea what on earth i thought any of that would acheive. Its not like i want her to start openly discussing her new relationship with me because that will hurt like hell.

That was me feeling hurt and lashing out with blame and judgement. definitely not going to help my cause.

I've only got a few minutes interaction with her this side of January so maybe things will get better in my mental state. But as long as OM1 is in the picture and making her happy then I have no chance

The best metaphor i have is that our relationship is in a coma on life support and I'm visiting everyday hoping it will wake up and can begin the long rehabilitation journey. My wife wont visit at all but i dont know whether its because she doesnt care or cant face it. either way the decision on whether to pull the plug is mine.

[rd500]

Hi Jim, don't beat yourself up, its done now and it can't be changed. In my opinion you are doing well and if you could you the STFU a bit more often then you would be doing a but better.

This is incredibly hard but you have no choice Think positive and continue to do you best.

take care RD

[edz]

Hi Jim.

Number one - you already know - but number two is as important.

Regardless of how it went don't dwell on it, no it wasn't an outcome you wanted, it may or may not have changed w's viewpoint or pushed her or maybe set her thinking, you have no idea, you can't mindread and you can't change her internal script or plan right now, whatever you can't undo the conversation regardless.

If you have little interaction between now and January then see that as a good opportunity for you to relax, be calm and detatch but only if *you*let yourself.

Dont run it endlessly in your mind on a loop or the next time you will already be wound up and ready to launch before either of you speaks.

As much as it puts me in danger of sounding like I'm obsessed with Frozen (hey, only seen it a dozen or so times - that makes me a lightweight with a child of 10), in regard to this conversation just let it go, I don't say that to belittle it you know that but I also know the knots I've tied myself in with w working out every plan she could be hatching and who and was she running around and.... and I nearly had a breakdown and definitely didnt relax or detatch.

I know in your case its worse on top of the feelings on not seeing the kids for Christmas you have the other feelings you're fighting, in some respects I'm lucky, sure I wont see s on Christmas eve or day but I'll get him boxing day and the 27th. I'd much prefer to be all together as a family but this year it aint going to happen, next year? Is next year.

Please, please don't do what I was doing, don't tell yourself its impossible to have a good time and not to try, it's all just toxic and you are so good at GAL - much better than I - so I know you can do it.

We all of us here want to be with our WAS and families I'm sad that wont be the case this year for many of us here and in my case it will be my Dad instead but you better believe I'll try to enjoy it and wear my paper hat with the rest of them.

I know how you are feeling about your marriage and only the two of you are in a position to end it, I understand why you're thinking of that being you to regain some aspect of control but while you should protect yourself and your kids financially it doesnt mean you should hasten anything along.

I'm no expert in anything infidelity wise mate, one thing (at the moment) I know isnt happening either side in my R, w is too obsessed with s's time but I know some of the vets will be along with advice on that. My concern here is your PMA and optimism for your life in the future and with the kids going ahead and you know how much I had to battle my own demons to get my head the little above the water it is with my attitude.

Anyway enough of my waffling, today make sure you forgive Jim, dont punish him, move on with YOUR christmas plans for both what you intend to do with yourself on christmas eve, day and around then and what you'll do with the kids for YOUR christmas together.

Remember your db buddies are here mate, we may shout at you and 2x4 you but we're here.

Edz

[edz]

rd you beat me to it

[Vanilla]

Jim

Actually my view is slightly different. Well Vanilla what's new about that?

This is the first time in reading your sitch that I have heard a post from you so strong.

Sure could have been less wordy and indeed slightly stronger without back tracking.

You made your point, you said what needed to be said. (And a little more, but hey this is a step forward)

So no 2x4 from Vanilla.

Chuffed
Vanilla