Continuing DBing after the affair

[PeterV2]

Hi Dev. Thanks for checking in. I haven't posted to my thread for 3 weeks. Just been working on stuff.

Starsky recommended the book Hold on to your N.U.T.s which I bought and read. Yes. Highly recommended. I've defined my N.U.T.s (non-negotiable unalterable terms) and am holding on to them. I also am trying to adhere to the BetterMen rules. It for sure will make me a better man.

I also got turned on to a personal coaching course which I'm taking through Frame Of Mind Coaching, a firm out of Toronto which I heard about through Lee Baucom's Save The Marriage website. That's helping me keep to my plan and challenging me to be the best I can be.

On the relationship front, we're selling the retirement home (RH) although the offer hasn't firmed up yet - should firm up by the 15th and will close on the 22nd.

W went away last Wed the 26th just to get away from the RH for a few days. So I stayed overnight at the RH while she was away. When she returned on Sat she was in a better mood but didn't want to return to the RH. On Sunday we had a family & friend dinner at our house. W & I cooked all day and had a great meal and a great party. W stayed over and we slept together; no intimacy but we took turns throughout the night holding one another.

In the morning she said she didn't want to stay at the RH any more. I had told her months ago that anytime she wanted to switch I would stay overnight at the RH ad she could stay at home. Well, she finally took my up on the offer and furthermore, since we're selling the RH on Dec 22, I'm now in the process of packing all her things and moving her back home. She's moving home!

She still wants to have her space and time to heal so I'm not sure what's going to happen on Dec 22 when I come home again overnight.

I work from home, so I now get up in the morning at the RH, and drive home to eat breakfast and go into my office to work for the day. She's been cooking me meals and we've been eating together and spending time together at home. Right now I'm on my laptop at the RH.

A couple of weeks ago W asked where I was planning on staying when she moved back home. I said I could sleep in the exercise room which is on the business side of our house. She didn't protest that possibility. So come Dec 22 I'll have to see how she feels. I may be sleeping with her in our bed or I may be sleeping downstairs. Still, at least we'll be under the same roof.

She needs time to heal before she can start on the process of reconciliation. I'll be patient and wait. At least things seem to be moving in a positive direction. I just have to focus on the positive.

Frame of Mind Coaching founder says, "What you focus on, grows". And I have always believed that.

Focus=Reality

I've stopped looking at porn. I'm focused on improving myself. I'm being squeaky clean, happy, joyful, hard-working and confident. If she doesn't notice or if she still decides to leave me, then it's her loss. She'd be a fool to. But that's her choice. I chose to be a better man.

[Wonka]

Peter,

I am glad to hear that the RH will be sold soon. In my view, it will alleviate the pressure on you and especially your wife. I am hopeful that it will be the beginning of a new, fresh start for you guys.

You wrote:

She needs time to heal before she can start on the process of reconciliation. I'll be patient and wait. At least things seem to be moving in a positive direction. I just have to focus on the positive.

That sounds like a good plan. You are a good man. I can see that you are really changing for the better.

[PeterV2]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Wonka. It's been a long hard road, and it's not over yet. Hopefully we'll be moving into the "piecing" mode soon.

[Devaste]

Peter,

Very impressive. You've got your plan and your focused on it. I like your confidence and PMA. Great to hear.

Dev

[PeterV2]

Well last night was the anniversary of me finding my W in a hotel room with the OM. She went out shopping yesterday and I sent her a text - no response. So my imagination started to take hold of me picturing her meeting up with OM. I had to distract myself - thought-stopping - played some video games, watched TV, got my mind going in another direction. At 10pm she called me all chipper, telling me about her day shopping, how her phone had died and she spent an hour at the phone store getting it working again - apparently a system wide issue.

So all is good. A year ago we were at a 1. Now I'd say we're at a 4.5 or 5. At least she's moved home. I'm doing the night shift at the RH home now, but when I come home in the morning before she gets up I make her coffee and greet her cheerfully before getting to work in the office. We eat lunch together. She cooks me great meals - she an excellent chef. We spend a lot of time together and I've now learned not to exert any pressure.

I told her again yesterday that I was committed to rebuilding our marriage. I shouldn't have said that. It's pressuring and is totally counterproductive. I won't ever say it again. She knows it. That's the third time I've told her, as if she's hard of hearing. But she knows. So I just have to see the fact that our relationship is good right now. Sure it could be better. But right now it's good and I'm going to focus on the good. I'll give her love every day in every way. Unselfishly. Caringly. Empathetically.

What I focus on will grow. My thoughts are under my control. My attitude toward my circumstances are under my control. Those are the only things under my control and I mean to control my own thoughts and my own attitude.

I'll work on myself - to be a better man. To be the best I can be. To be happy and hold on to my N.U.T.s (Non-Negotiable Unalterable Term - great book).

[Wonka]

Peter,

I had to laugh at the "she's not hard of hearing" comment. Yeah, she HEARD you alright. She probably passed the KISS concert hearing test.

Hey, I thought the RH was put up for sale. What's up with that?

I like how you're regrouping and refocusing on what has been working so far. Keep going, my friend.

[PeterV2]

Hi Wonka. The RH is for sale but the buyer is having problems getting financing. They pushed the closing date ahead to end of January. We need more residents. I'm sleeping at the RH nowadays. W is sleeping at home - getting a much deserved break. She's going out with girlfriends and taking it easy.

I'm taking coaching from Frame Of Mind Coaching. Giving me some valuable insights. I realize that when I get frustrated at something I throw money at it. That's an escapist approach. When I told my W that she laughed and said she should just frustrate me. We had a good laugh over that.

I'm not telling her I'm getting coaching or advice on this forum. Best just do the work and let the results speak for themselves.

Yeah, I was getting frustrated at my inability to move forward in growth so I threw money at it - the coaching isn't cheap. But I consider it a valuable endeavour.

[PeterV2]

So I've come to the decision to trust my W completely: be totally trusting and trustworthy. By me trusting her completely, my thoughts will create me feelings and those feelings will create my behaviours and my behaviours will create the results.

If I'm constantly assuming she's lying and running around behind my back, my mannerisms and behaviour will reflect those sentiments and she will behave in accordance with my beliefs.

For example if one is always being accused of being a thief, then why wouldn't one steal - everyone expects it of one anyway.

I believe other people's expectations of you greatly influence your behaviour.

Therefore it follows that if I expect my W to be honest and faithful, any actions on her part to the contrary will be incongruent with my expectations and my behaviour toward her. Her tendency would be to want to live up to my expectations.

I see it in other people's sitches. They're always going on about their spouse's cheating. Almost as if they expect their spouses to continue cheating. It's like a self-perpetuating dynamic.

I'm trying this because it's a 180. My tendency is to mistrust and accuse. I'll do a 180 and trust her completely. Not saying it's not going to take some mental will power, but so far the mistrusting thing has been a cheeseless tunnel.

I'd be interested to hear the veteran's opinions on this one.

[HeavyD]

This is an interesting and very hard challenge. I accept your challenge Peter.

Let me know how it goes for you and I will do the same.

[twinmom]

Did you accuse her of cheating before she ever had an affair? If you want my honest opinion I think your crazy for completely trusting without transparency. I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

But honestly I don't agree with your decision to stop viewing porn or cave to your wife's every whim while she cake eats. ....

At some point she needs to stop putting all the blame on you, put on her big girl panties and ask YOU what it would take to have you back.

Stop being a doormat and let her pull her own weight in the relationship. You are a great guy who doesn't deserve all the blame. It's one thing to take responsibility for your own mistakes is quite another to take the garbage your wife is putting on you.