Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HeavyD]

what is the postivie hypno therapy? Can you tell me a link or site? Also - any self affirmation apps that you can name that are helpful?


Thanks

[HPoirot]

Hello Wonka. Thank you for the script reminder. I did completely forget about it and today would have been a perfect time to use it.

Some questions on it for my education and for others who could use it...

As you know, whenever my W feels concerned or caught she lashes out. Before it was "I think we should separate." After my BD about leaving her for the condo, her response to shut me down is "I don't want to be married to you" or "you just want me to live in an M with no love!"

She says she feels that way and so won't take any genuine action to end her A. And by extension likely doesn't care that I'm not willing to live in an open M with her.

How does my saying this script to her not reinforce her feelings above? Don't I look naive by saying I'm not seeing actions that she has not really offered to take?

Just curious how the script is intended to hit her or if it's more for me and my view of things.

Thank you again Wonka. I have some index cards... I'll write this one down for the next time she says sorry.

[HPoirot]

what is the postivie hypno therapy? Can you tell me a link or site? Also - any self affirmation apps that you can name that are helpful?


Thanks

Hello NAJ. Google Paul McKenna. He has an app for confidence and controlling your emotions which I started today. Also has audios for Stress and "Change Your Life in 7 Days" on iTunes. I find his work excellent for relaxation and getting your mind right. And that is if you do nothing but lie or sit perfectly still and listen. If you do listen and then take action, you can get more done in your life. Try it.

[HeavyD]

At least your wife says she is sorry - mine will not admit sorrow and pain in person. She may have done that in an email or text right when she told me, but frankly I was too gob smacked to comprehend/read/absorb it. Now I don't know if she even did or I dreamed it.

Bottom line, she will not apologize or admit any guilt in person to me. She has a very dead look in her eyes like a shark. I don't kow if I will get an answer and that is the worst feeling of all.

[sandi2]

Was just reading very insightful words from Vanilla on another thread. Words from the point of view of the WAW. I've known almost since the beginning of this sitch the importance of accepting my W as she is right now... not to try to change her or challenge her... to somehow validate her as she is without judgement. To validate her feelings and put mine on the shelf.

This is not to offend Vanilla, b/c I have already explained to her that she is not a WAW if she is trying to save her M. She is in a terrible stitch, however, she is the one fighting for it. The type of WAW's we have here are not wanting to keep their H/M. Vanilla wants her M to get better. The WAW's here are not interested in working on the M! That is a major difference in definition. Your W is cut from a different pattern than I see Vanilla. Vanilla, is not in an A or acting wayward. Your W is a wayward W. Therefore, I strongly disagree with accepting her the way she is now. That would be accepting her bad behavior and her A with OM.

What do you mean you can't expect her to make changes? Of course she will have to make changes if you reconcile. It is her choice.

[u-turn]

HPoirot.
I'm not sure if I have ever added anything to your thread, but I read it very closely. You are handling things so well - in my humble opinion. I love the scripts that you and others have worked out - they are helpful to read for inspiration and to plan for interactions that I have and to see what mistakes I have made.

Keep up the good work you are doing for yourself and son.
I wish you the best!

[HeavyD]

So I ask myself - what is she mad about - she's having the AP?

1. She is mad that I did not "love her" like she wanted. She is mad that I was not emotionally vailable.

2. She is made that when she made the request about letting her participate in an affair with the AP and I said no.

3. She is mad that I sugested she move out when she would not stop with the AP. I made he move out when she told me it was now a PA, not just an EA.

4. She is mad because.... "I am being dificult" with the kids schedules, finances, etc....

She is a mad wet hen. She has caused so much chaos and confusion and yet she seems very pleased with herself and the impact this has caused on me and our kids. She does not give me the right to be angry and upset and acts like I should just get over it, like it's a walk in the park.

I feel like she has taken away my right to my feelings, compltely steamrolled and when i do show my indignation or anger, I am "the bad guy". I can't win.

Other than going dark, there is nothing else I can do. Correct?

[HPoirot]

Was just reading very insightful words from Vanilla on another thread. Words from the point of view of the WAW. I've known almost since the beginning of this sitch the importance of accepting my W as she is right now... not to try to change her or challenge her... to somehow validate her as she is without judgement. To validate her feelings and put mine on the shelf.

This is not to offend Vanilla, b/c I have already explained to her that she is not a WAW if she is trying to save her M. She is in a terrible stitch, however, she is the one fighting for it. The type of WAW's we have here are not wanting to keep their H/M. Vanilla wants her M to get better. The WAW's here are not interested in working on the M! That is a major difference in definition. Your W is cut from a different pattern than I see Vanilla. Vanilla, is not in an A or acting wayward. Your W is a wayward W. Therefore, I strongly disagree with accepting her the way she is now. That would be accepting her bad behavior and her A with OM.

What do you mean you can't expect her to make changes? Of course she will have to make changes if you reconcile. It is her choice.

Hello Sandi. Thank you for commenting on my thoughts about how I accept my W. I do want to approach her in the way that works so it's very valuable to me to get this right.

What I got from my readings of DB and the threads here is that, while at best I don't agree with what my W does, I have to hear and accept what she says. To not argue with her feelings... just tell myself that's how you feel and keep moving. So I'm accepting her the way she is feeling now.

As far as the A... I let her know I won't tolerate it and I won't live with her that way. I give her a chance to change as she says she agrees she's done an terrible thing. If she doesn't, I act by removing myself, my money, and my support. So, in that way, I'm not accepting her behavior. I do expect her to make big changes and show that by enforcing my boundaries and staying away from her while she doesn't change. So, somehow, I let her know changes I expect to be with me then walk away and work on my changes while allowing her own decisions to apply pressure for her to change.

That's how I'm seeing it right now. If I should be doing anything different then I would love to know. You know me... from the beginning feeling like I'm not doing enough. I would very much like to do whatever I can for my M.

[HPoirot]

Other than going dark, there is nothing else I can do. Correct?

I'm sorry about all this for you NAJ. Everyday I ask myself the same thing as I slowly grow closer to believing my W is not worth the pain I'm going through. I've done or thought of doing everything from long R talks, being friendly, kissing and hugging her, guilting her, reminding her of her vows, throwing her words back at her, exposing her A to the world, screaming at her, and telling her about her son's panic attacks and fear.

Nothing to do except move on for yourself. Not waiting for her... just finding a better life by and for yourself for a amount of time you're comfortable with.

I'm working on myself for 6 months. Then I'll reevaluate. My goals are to grow my self-esteem, my finances, and my happiness while I live an interesting life without my W or any other woman. I might then go another 6 months. That's my plan and all I can do.

Also, I think they're mad b/c they blame us for the hell in their lives. They want to be happy and forget past pain but we are reminders of the pain. They would rather not deal with us I think but IRL they have to.

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Just had the strong urge to text W. "Let's talk. We don't have to do this." Something like that. Now acting as if I'm a man full of life ahead of him who doesn't have time for is WAW.

I was doing OK today but I've spent too much time reading here and not enough time working. I'm going to work to not post or read anything here for 24 hours.

First IC session in 1 hour too. I know not to expect much healing first day... or for a while for that matter.

OK back to work.