This lad needs to grow up a little. And he isn't going to move forward if he doesn't feel he's lost anything. And if you have sex with him, why would he think he has to change a thing?
He'll walk away thinking you're ok with the status quo. Knowing that, how does this move the ball forward? My goodness, you're 28! There is so much better out there for you.
Agreed. If he's shown you little (if any) change, and you have sex with him -- what's going to change?? IMO, he's told you that he's not going to do anything. He threw out a booty call. Not "let's work on this" - a booty call.
Obviously, you have to do what you feel is best -- but I can't help but say run the other way. IMO (again), it sends the wrong message to him. That he can do whatever he wants -- and you're ok with it -- enough to sleep with him. No. No. No.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Noted, all! I think my "other parts" were speaking a little too loudly in the middle of the night last night If this was a first date I'd be thinking "hmm.. he didn't seem that interested in me.. and he seems a little too into video games. Maybe I'll wait and see if he asks me out again." Honestly, the game thing is a huge red flag to me of things not changing for him. He has identified himself as an "addictive personality," and it goes back for as long as I've known him. In college and high school, it was online poker (like at the level of being up until 3am and not studying). After college it became video games. Then fantasy sports (multiple leagues, for almost every sport you can do fantasy sports for. I forget what he said last about how many leagues he's in for football alone.. 9?? And he managed 2 or 3 of them. It got to the point where we had friends over and he forgot he had a draft.. instead of putting it on auto-pick, he left me to entertain our friends and went to his computer for 3 hours to do the draft.) Then it was club soccer for awhile. Now it's stuff with his iphone. He just gets all consumed by these activities. I don't think that's what I want in a partner anymore. I want someone who can do lots of different things and their schedule doesn't revolve around some sort of online activity or game. Who actually has time to spend with me on the weeknights. Who isn't glued to their phone or computer. I did not hear from him today so I'm guessing he did not file the paperwork.
On the bright side, I have super great coworkers who planned a surprise "party" for me for my birthday (which is Sunday but no one will be around on Monday), complete with a balloon delivery, cake, and ice cream! Just the thing I needed before winter break starts.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I don't know KGirl, none of us can tell you how to live, and it's likely not helpful for me to say this, but if I were 28 with no kids, I'd be half way across the country by now, missing out on this wonderful opportunity for self improvement that my W has given me.
Kudos to you; you must be in this for what you are getting out of it in terms of self improvement. Or, you recall a time when your H was at his best, and he didn't have all these issues, and you truly believe he will aspire to that again.
There were better times, and I think that may be in there somewhere... maybe he'll aspire to that again, maybe he won't, I don't know. I also took my marriage vows very seriously. We were together for a long time. I pretty much did the exact opposite of being halfway across the country - I moved to an apartment less than a mile away I like this area and the stores and things to do, it's convenient for getting to work, and I wasn't going to let the fact that he's still here stop me from staying.
H and I agreed he'd come to my parking lot for me to sign our escrow check on his way out of town... at 8:30am. On a Saturday. No way I'm getting dressed and showered for this and looking my best! He'll just have to see me in a hat and sweatpants like he's seen me on many other weekends in the past
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I just realized WHY he's going out of town - his extended family Christmas is today. A little sad but I'm not really that sad. On the positive side, I don't have to listen to all the drama and gossip that usually goes on. Last year H said I was "sick." I'm guessing this year if people don't already know, the truth will come up. Sick two years in a row would be quite a coincidence!
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I am sorry you are going through this whole situation. As much as I think I am detaching from my H, every time it comes to talk about D, my stomach hurts and I feel really sad.
Sometimes I even wonder why, if there is a lot of things I also did not like in my M.
I think you are doing great for such major event in your life, it seems easy to think that you can just go out there and find a perfect match. Well, we say that the WAS is having some fantasies in their minds and that the grass is not always green on the other side of the fence. It is for us too, it hard to go out there and be open for another R.
To tell the truth, I been out dancing, and didn't want to even talk to a guy. I felt like betraying my H, or worse, felt a little disgusted about other man. I don't know maybe it is time that will allow to see again.
But, contrary then many of us, you are out baby, and being young has some benefits. You also don't have children and that is a lot too. Give yourself time to recover and when you feel you can try again then you will.
One thing is for sure, you should be very proud of yourself, at least we all are. The way you handle this whole situation was grace is a lot for someone at your age. Congrats girl!
In my opinion I would think that you really need to concentrate all your efforts on yourself now. Your H is determined to do whatever he put in his mind, and I think that maybe you continue to move on as you are doing, then he may question if it is the right decision.
Somehow we value what we lose.
Hope things get better and better for you and you find some peace inside your heart.
Thanks, pink. I hear you on the "why are we still here if there were a lot of things that were frustrating about our M?" I remember in September 2013 (couple of months before BD) writing H a very difficult email, that I never sent, stating that I was unhappy with several things (lack of openness, preferring to spend time with friends than with me and how he'd openly say he'd rather hang out with them, as a few examples) and how if he couldn't make some changes, I didn't know if this would work long-term. Funny how after BD I forgot I was that unhappy at one point and thought our M was so awesome and how dare he leave it??
I know there are other people out there I could have a future with. It's hard to let go of the comfort and knowledge you have of someone after knowing them for so long.. it will take several years to get to that point again. I can think of two or three people off the top of my head who have told me before "if things don't work out with H... let me know." So I must be somewhat attractive (we'll go with "cute") and interesting and likeable Those particular people are married now so I will not be letting them know, but there's got to be more out there! I don't feel comfortable dating (or that I'll attract the right type of people) until I am D'ed, which is going to be beginning of May at the earliest now, if H actually files in early January. Still nothing from him.. it would be pretty DB-y (the other DB) of him to let me know today that he did it on Friday, given what today is (below).
Because of our more recent interactions I keep finding myself looking to my phone for a text or an email from him... grrr. Need to find more things to do, I guess. I have this week off for work and no real plans except for today and then Christmas day so I need to get creative, or perhaps make a day trip somewhere. Today is my birthday and I'm looking forward to all the messages and facebook posts - the ones so far have been pretty great. One of my closest friends, who is moving back to my state in January, said "you've been to h*ll and back this year, but still managed to handle it all with grace, poise, strength, and courage." I wonder if I'll get any messages from H. Last year to my confusion he actually gave me a gift that he ordered after BD O_o so who knows.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I would like to go on some sort of trip even if it's just a weekend. Not sure where yet. I will be going to Sanibel Island, FL for spring break with my mom and sisters so that should be fun but would also like to do something else on my own. There is a spa resort about a hour away I thought about going to this week but now I am helping a friend with wedding dress shopping so... maybe in January sometime? A year-round heated outdoor soaking pool sounds nice in January if I don't freeze into/out of it My friends had a book group but it kind of fell by the wayside... maybe we can start that again. I have thought about some type of support group, either CA or a divorce support group (maybe that's not enough about myself, though?) We do have quite a few non-credit con't education courses where I work, and I took a couple this fall, so more in spring would be fun. I have some crocheting projects from college (!!) that I never finished - that might be fun to get back into. And.. in high school I played the flute and was very good. Went back home in the summers and played for the municipal band. Haven't played in years, though. Maybe I've still got some skills left.
For today, I'll focus on watching the packers, and getting ready for my night out for my b-day Sister and I are doing dinner and then afterwards I sent a very open and large invitation to almost everyone I know who lives here to meet up for drinks in the bar part. Looking forward to seeing who comes and if nothing else I know I won't be alone because my sis is my designated driver
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Just practice your discount double check dance today. Sanibel Island is lovely:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
If this was a first date I'd be thinking "hmm.. he didn't seem that interested in me.. and he seems a little too into video games. Maybe I'll wait and see if he asks me out again." Honestly, the game thing is a huge red flag to me of things not changing for him. He has identified himself as an "addictive personality," and it goes back for as long as I've known him. In college and high school, it was online poker (like at the level of being up until 3am and not studying). After college it became video games. Then fantasy sports (multiple leagues, for almost every sport you can do fantasy sports for. I forget what he said last about how many leagues he's in for football alone.. 9?? And he managed 2 or 3 of them. It got to the point where we had friends over and he forgot he had a draft.. instead of putting it on auto-pick, he left me to entertain our friends and went to his computer for 3 hours to do the draft.) Then it was club soccer for awhile. Now it's stuff with his iphone. He just gets all consumed by these activities. I don't think that's what I want in a partner anymore. I want someone who can do lots of different things and their schedule doesn't revolve around some sort of online activity or game. Who actually has time to spend with me on the weeknights. Who isn't glued to their phone or computer. I did not hear from him today so I'm guessing he did not file the paperwork.