Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[jim0987]

Thanks. The support is really appreciated

In retrospect my wife several times was took the opportunity to remind me that its over between us and that its because of me. So there was a little bit of baiting and self justification going on there (I certainly helped reinforce her narrative)

Anyway, I'm going to take one big positive from this mornings debacle and that is that within half an hour I not only knew I had screwed up but that I was projecting blame and judgement toward my W. I was hurting and I wanted her to know it - this is symptomatic of a lot of my mistakes

Now the good news in case you missed it is that i noticed. In the past i would have just basically stayed in a grump about how she wasnt paying attention to me or doing enough to make me feel better as I congratualated myself for remaining so 'in control of my emotions'. So noticing and understanding thats a really good thing, its on the way to fixing

So to rewrite this mornings conversation as it should have gone.

M: I'm disappointed I'm not going to see the kids Christmas Day but its ok because we will have a great day when I do see them.

[jim0987]

Jim

Actually my view is slightly different. Well Vanilla what's new about that?

This is the first time in reading your sitch that I have heard a post from you so strong.

Sure could have been less wordy and indeed slightly stronger without back tracking.

You made your point, you said what needed to be said. (And a little more, but hey this is a step forward)

So no 2x4 from Vanilla.

Chuffed
Vanilla

Really didnt expect that.......

I suppose you could argue what i said wasnt too bad - its more the way I said it

need to get my Rhet Butler on.

[edz]

So to rewrite this mornings conversation as it should have gone.

M: I'm disappointed I'm not going to see the kids Christmas Day but its ok because we will have a great day when I do see them.

Great stuff, make sure you live by that one, dont re-run and what if, just seize that line and run with it mate

[jim0987]

Well something was triggered this morning (Nothing good)

I've had a bunch of emails from W about different things all very formal.

- about a week ago I asked if she could collect the kids one day in january as i'm in Brussels. She said

Yes, that should be fine. We need to work together to co-parent effectively and whilst I had hoped to have this week off to sort the new house, I will of course collect the children, Its no problem at all.

- She sent the revised seperation agreement, she said no substantial changes but has added quite a few extra bits of furniture she wants and took out all the bits that actually protect me, and said i should take the joint account (I have no idea of the balance in that as ive never had any control of it so thats a bad plan).

She added

As I've said before, I have no desire to be unreasonable, take anything more than is reasonable, or to make this harder than it already is or has to be. I hope that this is OK. Please give me any feeback as soon as possible

I'd suggest a separate agreement in relation to the children. This is a one-off agreement, where as the children reflect an ongoing and dynamic relationship that must suit their needs.

There were two other emails both really formal and similar in tone.(I find this hurtful)

what stikes me is that she is really protesting her reasonableness. My initial reaction was that it feels like she has all the power (which she does) but certainly looking at it again it feels more like she is trying to reassert herself as being the 'adult' (for the transactional analysts amongst you)

[b]So my question is do I respond in the same overly formal tone? or do I respond in my normal light agreeable tone?

Do i point out that actually I've been incredibly cooperative and reasonable regardless? equally do i point out that she is being unreasonable?

What I want to say is something along the lines of

Wife,

I'm disappointed you feel you have to adopt such an overly formal tone. Throughout this process I have been cooperative and reasonable despite your affair and your continuing behaviour toward me.

Since I have known you I have always wished you to be happy and have tried to support you in your decisions. Whilst i cannot agree with your decision and will continue to believe that our marriage was perfectly fixable, I recognise that this decisions is yours to make. I have not and will not seek to obstruct or hinder it in anyway.

I know that this is a difficult and stressful time for us all but please be assured that I will always act in the best interests of D3 and S1.


I would really like to send this but i seriously doubt its a good idea.

[Mozza]

I see nothing good in that email and I don't see a problem with her tone. Reply just to get things done, not to fix the R.

[Ggrass]

I think you show strike to whole first bit.

I cannot do fancy editing but some one might. The last 2-3 sentences might work if tweaked slightly.

Bussiness only, no r talk.

[Hoju]

I agree with Mozza nothing good in there. I would just reply informally how you normally would before BD (leave out the honey or love bits of course), lowering your guard should bring hers down naturally. Lose all the R talk in that email and just focus on answering what needs to be answered.

[Wonka]

Wife,

I'm disappointed you feel you have to adopt such an overly formal tone. Throughout this process I have been cooperative and reasonable despite your affair and your continuing behaviour toward me.

Since I have known you I have always wished you to be happy and have tried to support you in your decisions. Whilst i cannot agree with your decision and will continue to believe that our marriage was perfectly fixable, I recognise that this decisions is yours to make. I have not and will not seek to obstruct or hinder it in anyway.

I know that this is a difficult and stressful time for us all but please be assured that I will always act in the best interests of D3 and S1.

First paragraph:

You're wagging your finger at W for being "formal" and calling out on her so-called bad behavior. Are those loving and neutral actions that will draw back W? I think not.

Second paragraph:

You're trying to pled with W that M is 'fixable' which isn't attractive. Furthermore, W is already checked out of the M. Why bring up the "blocking" and "obstruct" words which is, in W's eyes, a tacit admission that you have been/are doing this.

Third paragraph:

Whoa! The implication dangling in the air is that W doesn't have the kids' best interests at all. That'll be the fastest way to make her get pissed off at you. Just more negative view of you.

In summary, this email needs to be binned as you Brits tend to say. It is as useful as a three-dollar bill.

DO NOT send out the email. I'd start a completely new one that is 2 paragraphs long. That's it. KISS and STFU.

[Wonka]

Jim,

Mirror back to W on those topics. Put on your Mr. Spock hat and then reply in that cool Vulcan voice.

Keep working here. I look forward to your new draft.

[Mozza]

I agree with Wonka's light editing.

I'm amazed at how difficult it is for you to get in the DB mindset, even though your W is practically the poster girl for it. You keep pursuing and repeating that you want to save the M for instance. Any chance she doesn't know this yet? It's now annoying the heck out of her and pushing her away. You keep wallowing about how much you suck rather than feeding your PMA. You keep saying you have no chances as if you knew while DB encourages patience. You want to expose the A. I could go on and on.

If you want to succeed, it's not going to be about small adjustments here and there, it will be about changing your entire attitude to your sitch. I'm not even sure you can imagine what it looks and feels like.

You should take a page out of HPoirot's playbook. He took the reins and changed the dynamic. He just had his head shaved and beard trimmed. What about doing that too? Something similar to feel a new man? An anchor for your changes?

Probably not.