Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose

[jim0987]

Its a good letter but I definitely wouldnt give it to him. I think you should concentrate in making the meet as pleasant and fun as you can.

If you think you MIGHT give the letter then you will spend the time looking for signs as to whether you should and that's going to be hard on both your detachment and your PMA.


Vossy is right
Put your focus on being your best self (as you want to be) and then just be.

Avoid R talks but if, and only if, he brings it up listen to what he has to say. It might be that you can offer to write a letter rather than talk about your feelings straightaway, but it would need a substantial and obvious cue before you did

[Ggrass]

I would leave it at home, so your not temped.

It should happen naturally, without force like in the beginning.

[gan]

Thanks, everyone for your input. I see there is a consensus - don't give him the letter. I'll let you know what I decide. Funnily enough, my IC also took a once over and encouraged me to make it even more from the heart. She's lovely, a bit of a romantic I think.

So, today is the day. I've sent H a few options for tonight. Two places we've never been to together and one we've been to once. Let's see what he picks...

[LisaB]

Hi Ganb8te,

I have to agree with the others that the letter is not a good idea at this point. I think it is a good letter but probably it is not the right time.

I have sent my H a few letters at the beginning of my situation. I will tell you that it did not really do anything positive for the situation. He replied to my letters - the first one with a brush off "thanks for sharing" type reply and the second with a heartfelt long letter telling me he was sorry but our relationship was OVER. Neither response made me feel very good nor helped me move on! So it was a waste of time.

And he and I also have a past history of communicating via writing so I get what you are saying about that being your most effective means of communication.

Maybe in the future the letter will be read, absorbed and appreciated but I think now you don't know enough about where his head is to know if the letter should be shared. Leave it at home and you can even mail it after you see him. But don't take it with you. Too much pressure.

Just try to go, have fun, look sexy, show positivity and be cool. This meeting may reveal nothing or it may set something in action. Just go and see.

I'm dealing with a possible meet up with my WAH this week too, I'm feeling stressed about it. Hope you are feeling better and positive!

Big hugs,
Lisa

[gan]

Also, I went back and re-read your threads. And I wanted to give you a virtual hug. Some of the things that your H said to you, mine said to me, or something similar. When my H told me he was moving out, it was promises of rainbows and butterflies: we will still talk, see each other, I'm right down the road if you need anything. And then the [censored] went downhill from there.

I just find it so strange that a globe apart, two women (and literally not just us, everyone here on the board and thousands of other people) are going through a eerily life changing situation. Makes the world seem smaller, and puts into perspective how we all can be connected by shared experiences.

Or my meds could be talking. :-)

Thanks, Calibri, for catching up on my threads. My story is a tad dull…long gaps punctuated by meet ups that don't really change much. It's uncanny though, that there are so many similarities across everyone's experiences. Like even down to the wording… And knowing that you all are out there, totally changes my view of the people around me. Like people in the street, I wonder what they are going though behind the scenes.

Your experience is one that I relate to more than others, as I do wonder if depression played a role in my H's decision. There was no open acknowledgement of it before he left, so it's hard to say. But looking back on the 6 months prior to BD (and even earlier) I do think there were some signs. Also, some of the things you've said about yourself - not wanting to change the core of yourself but wanting to be more compassionate, less hard, less controlling and needing to learn to bit your tongue - this is how I feel about me, too. And regular yoga and mindfulness practice are helping me get there, so keep it up girl ;-) I am so glad to see that Labug has started reading your thread. Her advice to you speaks very much to me, as do her own threads.

[gan]

I have sent my H a few letters at the beginning of my situation. I will tell you that it did not really do anything positive for the situation. He replied to my letters - the first one with a brush off "thanks for sharing" type reply and the second with a heartfelt long letter telling me he was sorry but our relationship was OVER. Neither response made me feel very good nor helped me move on! So it was a waste of time.

Thanks, Lisa. I guess I wasn't expecting that H would respond to the letter. Given Vossy's impression that it sounds like it is a question and given your experience getting responses above, I am rethinking.

Just try to go, have fun, look sexy, show positivity and be cool. This meeting may reveal nothing or it may set something in action. Just go and see.

OK, so what is everyone's take on the word COOL as MWD uses it?

1. Cool - as in awesome
2. Cool - as in luke warm or unenthusiastic
3. Cool - as in calm and composed

I guess I've been aiming for 1 and 3, but am wondering if 2 would seem more consistent with moving on

[vossy]

Cool as in AWESOME!

[raliced]

Cool as in confident, poised and compelling.

You can do it Ganb8te!

[gan]

Well then. 1.23hrs. That's a record for us since BD (x 2 or 3). It wasn't fun but it was the most authentic. The low down:

+1 Ganbatte for suggesting somewhere new (after we arrived, he specifically said he wanted to go somewhere new). Cool place. Hardly recognizable from outside. H found the actual door. And that's why I love him.

He gets the first round and says "you can get the next one." Huh? So this isn't going to be as quick as I expected.

Small chit chat about work, family, his travel plans, etc. He seems agitated from the get go (almost like first time we saw each other after BD) so I try to relax for us both. Did I mention I went to yoga immediately before and focussed on my breathing on the way to our meet up? I mentioned that I was shocked to learn the news about his best friend (open heart survey to remove a benign tumor). He was surprised that I knew about it. To which I said I had spoken with his wife and sent a gift but they had not acknowledged it so I'm not sure if I stepped over the time. He said it was kind of me and that they should have acknowledged it (interesting).

At some point he asks about my plans for the holidays. I say that I'm going back to my parent's place tomorrow and that I was trying to organize a last minute trip to Cambodia after that but it fell through (true) so I'll probably just go to Uluru (Ayers Rock) or the Daintree (rainforest, far north Australia) instead (true). After a little bit he asks who with. I was probably too quick to say "by myself" and so I backed it up with "group tour" (there are single males, not that I'm looking ;-) )

At some point he goes to the loo and gets another drink and returns to say "I'm sorry. It's nice to see you, I'm just frustrated." Why are you frustrated? Long pause. Did.not.interupt.his.chain.of.thought. He explains that this is not what he imagined - me going on holidays by myself and "not that he thinks things should be different" but just that it makes him sad.

More chit chat. He's still doing yoga twice a week. As am I H, three to four times a week. My goal is to conquer crow pose in the next month ;-), and last night I did my first inversion! Heck maybe I'll even go to the upcoming yoga retreat…there's a band playing that we both liked at one of the music festivals we went to a while ago. He's seen the ads. Consciously trying not to get into R talk. He goes to the loo again. We talk about him renewing his visa (easy - phew) and the siege in Sydney.

Eventually he calls me out on making small talk. I say that I was hoping tonight would be fun. He says "maybe some day we'll get together and it will be fun…" but something to the effect that tonight was not that night.

…after some good PMA and self control, the rest is a bit of a blur as I was in tears and he was borderline (in no particular order):
- he was definitely the first to bring up R talk, after I resisted for a long, long while
- at some point he says something alluding again to the fact that he's still sad, to which I responded: "Well I'm dealing with that by going to a therapist, doing yoga, doing mindfulness meditation, and lot's of reading….I came across a good book that helped me understand some of the things that went wrong in our R." He says "I'm doing all those things, too" (therapist, much?) and *literally* says "Maybe you can text me the details (of the book)"
- he says "People don't change"
- he says "You're an amazing person" but "You're not a good match for me" "I'm not a good match for
you"
- I sorta conveyed what I said in my letter but with much less finesse :-( I said for the first time we seem to be on the same page (things weren't going well) and that before I didn't understand he was so unhappy. To which he said something like "How sad is that". I refrained from saying…we'll it ain't like you communicated that very clearly!
- he says "let's meet in February" (one of my goals for the evening was not to suggest that we meet again, which I didn't)
- he says he doesn't want to sit here and cry so makes a move for the door…at which point I say no, he's not going to leave me here, wait for me to finish my drink (ugh...that goes way back, he used to do this and it used to irk me and so I stated my boundary thinking how it would need to be for our new R…but it was probably too early, so my bad. But he stayed…)
- he calls me "hon" at some point on the conversation
- we hug at the end (first time since BD)
- he walked away to catch the bus and was looking at his phone…not reading into that

… … … … … …

Intense. Friends, this is not someone who has moved on. He is someone who can't see us being together in the short term. I am clearly under his skin but he can't see that things could be different if we both committed to the such.

Please help.

[jim0987]

Hi Ganb8te

actually I think you did really well. A couple of the most minor points where you could have done slightly better but you already picked those up and they were so minor he probably didnt notice

two bits i just want to pick up on if you dont mind

- he says "People don't change"

To me this is the key line in all of this. People change all the time its how we grow as people, the difference is which parts you choose to cultivate (you might even be ok to say this some time)

Now you are showing those changes in the way your conducting yourself - he just may take some time to believe them.

I came across a good book that helped me understand some of the things that went wrong in our R." He says "I'm doing all those things, too" (therapist, much?) and *literally* says "Maybe you can text me the details (of the book)"

I do think you should text him the details of a book, just not necessarily DR or DB or which ever book you were referring to. If you sent DR he might think he is being played where as if you texted something like 5 LL or His needs, Her needs then this may have a more self improvement slant (its about you rather than the marriage itself)