I just want to journal a little about my Buddhist journey and how this is really helping me detach and find an inner peace.
I grew up with parents that were very open minded and of the opinion that all religions are to be respected and valued. By and large my only true "religious" experiences centered around Christianity, but I found as I explored my spiritual side that I was suspicious of a lot of organized religion's motivations (truly, all organized religion -- not one in particular), especially from a historical perspective.
Long have I considered myself a woman who believes in a higher power I'm comfortable calling God and a believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ as a being of love and enlightenment, but also someone who believes no one can truly know for certain what's out there beyond the fact the universe connects us all together. God is God in every religion on the planet.
Buddhism, however, has no emphasis on that, but encourages a conscious mind understanding that emotional attachment to anything brings about an awful lot to lose. That's the root of suffering.
I like that Buddhism encourages one to be fully accountable to the self, and in turn others. It's exactly what I've been saying -- love yourself and love those around you enough to have integrity, honesty, and grace.
I'm learning that I can let go of negative emotions because they hold me back. They stop me from becoming a better person, which prevents me from doing right by others, and, more importantly, myself.
I meditated quietly for about 10 minutes tonight without interruption, my mind clear and free of any kind of stress or anxiety, focusing only on the words of a chant I'd pulled up on Youtube.
For someone as usually distracted, emotional, hotheaded and constantly "too fast" in everything I do, this brought me profound peace.
This is definitely where I need to be right now.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I just got a text from my mother telling me we're doing Christmas on Christmas eve this year; dinner is at 6pm.
Well, that [censored] for me because I have an MRI on Christmas Eve. Why did I schedule it that way? Because I have to work at the hospital on Christmas Eve, and figured I'd just hop to radiology after work. Christmas is usually ON CHRISTMAS.
I'm annoyed, but understand she didn't know this prior to making this choice. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she had the best of intentions.
It will probably work out for the best, because my temporary living situation is with my family and my grandmother -- and they have been super touchy and critical of my ever action. Grandma's holding a grudge up to and including giving me the silent treatment, for offenses that add up to basic, pedantic nitpicking. My mother, too, has been super critical.
I'm confident I've been as quiet and respectful a housemate as can be expected in this temporary situation (very cognizant of moving slowly and quietly when others are sleeping, trying my best to keep to my room as much as possible so as not to be an extra burden to anyone, paying my share of responsibilities in full and on time, purchasing my own food and keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean), so I really feel like this is unfair and unwarranted.
The only contact I've had with my mother recently has been in passing and usually the only verbalizing she's done to me is to tell me what I've done wrong.
Given the stress I've been through lately, and losing a 10 year relationship -- which already affects the ego in terms of one's self worth -- I'm feeling pretty abandoned and unloved lately. This is a big thing for me, because I've had a lot of loss in my life. My co-dependency and a lot of my issues in Rs stems from this. It's the BIG THING I'm working on in IC.
So, I'm excited to move next week and trying to push this out of my head and not internalize it. I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Deep breaths. Deeeeppppp breaths.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Funny, I was thinking the same thing about feeling "weird" in this forum. I mean, I went from newcomer to D finalized in a little over 2 months, so I am not really a newbie, though I still have SO much to learn. And, while I don't know if I want to R or not (leaning more toward not right this second, as XH really hacked me off last night), I don't know what the future holds. I guess I will hang out here until the powers that be run me off. And, I am glad you are here. I gain strength from your posts. You seem so strong and self-assured and I desperately want to get there.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Signed the lease, so I guess this is official! Going with a girlfriend to Ikea tomorrow to pick up some bathroom things and maybe a couple book cases. I'm excited!
I texted BF today. I want a mini-fridge for the new place and last I knew he had a nice one in the basement (that I had questioned why he even bothered bringing home; again, mild hoarder). I asked him if I could have it and he told me he sold it two years ago. I don't know how I missed that, other than that perhaps it was another piece of crap in a crowded basement full of crap. He said sorry, I said thanks and that was it.
I miss him. I miss the friend I could laugh and joke with. This is a natural part of moving on.
I'm okay.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Oh my Buddha, yes.
Um yes, or you buy hemorriod suppositories instead of cream! Or you have exceptionally big pores! Or one a million other small reasons
He may not have sold the fridge. My h keeps saying he doesn't have xyz, but I'm sure he did/does and when called out it magically appears months later. Mine I suspect has other issues not just r problems. I suspect demture.
Last edited by Ggrass; 12/21/1412:41 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Had a full weekend this weekend. Signed the lease on the new apartment Saturday. Went to Ikea today with a friend to pick up a few bathroom things and a book shelf that will be a divider between the entry way and a living room space. Helped split wood and stack it at home (even though I won't be here to enjoy it -- I'm trying to earn brownie points with my grandmother).
I've been in a weird spot as far as my feelings for BF and I sort of wish he and OW would fall off the face of the earth so I don't ever need to think about them again. I dwell too much on how much it [censored] that for 10 years we were supposedly in love but he can up and leave suddenly and then disappear from my life one day as though I never existed in his.
Not like it destroys me anymore, but it simmers under the surface and I just feel meh about how easy it was to walk away. Le sigh.
Never was fond of roller coaster rides. This too shall pass.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little - the idea that the WAS has it easy after BD is a common one around here. And yes - I think for the ones in an affair, they do have a major distraction to keep their minds off their problems. But that's what it is - a distraction. They can then either bounce around from affair to affair or face their demons with the added burden of the destrucion they have caused. For my money, I would rather be on the path I am now - facing the problems I need to address sooner, rather than later.
You have a lot of positives ahead of you, Little. Today, Ikea furniture, and tomorrow, the world!
So, my mother helped me move out of the apartment I lived in with BF. We moved me into her house, whereupon I paid 1/3rd of the utilities (oil, electric, and wood for the wood stove), rent and $50 a month for food my grandmother would be cooking for us.
Technically my mom's a single mom of a 13 year old boy (my brother) with no job, so the state offers her free medical benefits, a dramatically reduced rent (she pays $64 a month for a 4 bedroom house that's $1000 -- the state pays the rest for her, even though there's only three people living there full time) and gets food stamps. I believe she also gets heating help, because it's winter.
Realistically, she works for herself 7 days a week painting and doing odd jobs and makes a pretty good wage under the table.
My grandmother also gets food stamps and rent assistance, because she's retired and has no income.
I had a slight problem moving into a place where I was being asked to pay for things my salary already pays for in taxes, but hey -- that's a technicality that has no bearing on family and friends. If I'm using the services, I should pay for them; no big deal.
Last week she told me to look into a 10' box truck to help me move from her house to the new apartment. She told me it only cost $19.95 for one day, no big deal. LAST WEEK she told me this. I looked into it and found out that it's $111 once they figure in mileage, gas and taxes. I can't afford that. I just signed up for a $600 lease, and I have to pay significantly more in utilities and garbage pick up and all that.
So my mother tells me TODAY that I need to pay her for her to help me move and use her truck.
ONE WEEK to go time she springs this on me, even though she knows she's pretty much my only acquaintance with a truck, and time during Christmas week.
I went to Ikea and bought stuff on a friend's credit, because I'm going to pay her back. If I had known my mother was going to pull this crap TWO WEEKS AGO I would have arranged differently!!!
Now I have no one to help me move.
I'm so mad I can't see straight. I have zero idea how I'm going to manage this and I'm so piss I can't breathe.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
