Jim0987 #7 - rebuilding but can't tell what it is

[edz]

Not much to add to the above, I did almost the same thing in the early weeks (August I think) and it blew up spectacularly with a very angry set of responses from w and then silence (and not seeing s as well) so I would avoid from experience!

[jim0987]

Thanks all, I'm just too emotionally driven and i never in a million years thought i was like that.

My wife has certainly been the poster girl for being checked out - not a hint of remorse, regret or doubt even after OM1 initially said he only wanted casual. Now he is back and wants a relationship she is being more active in pushing the D ahead (still feel that I should confront him though i'm accepting the advice not to)


anyway just want to comment on these

First paragraph:

You're wagging your finger at W for being "formal" and calling out on her so-called bad behavior. Are those loving and neutral actions that will draw back W? I think not.

Fair point - I'm upset at the insuation that I havent been reasonable. I know her well enough that she is trying to make a point but i would be guessing exactly what that point is. I do the similar when i ask leading questions of her

This continues her Parent/Child approach which i have allowed too often and so your right reacting to it is either perpetuating this or picking an arguement.

Second paragraph:

You're trying to pled with W that M is 'fixable' which isn't attractive. Furthermore, W is already checked out of the M. Why bring up the "blocking" and "obstruct" words which is, in W's eyes, a tacit admission that you have been/are doing this.

I hadnt thought about it like that, i guess i was more thinking that i want her to know that its her decision. whatever my faults and failings, walking without properly trying is her choice. but even if we go with my interpretation this is blaming and judgement and needs to be avoided - she needs to realise this on her own and so best not said.

n retrospect i was trying to make her feel its a bad decision - so more manipulation

I've not obstructed at all but she seems to consistently imply that I am, or feel threatened that i might.

Third paragraph:

Whoa! The implication dangling in the air is that W doesn't have the kids' best interests at all. That'll be the fastest way to make her get pissed off at you. Just more negative view of you.

I was trying to reassure that i'm not going to do anything that would be harmful to the kids. well at least thats what i thought i was doing.

when i read Wonka's interpretation my immediate reaction was, thats because she doesnt, otherwise she wouldnt have left without trying, she would actively have helped with D3s school place and she wouldnt leave the kids with her family on her weekends so she can go meet OM1. Thats a lot of anger and judgement there, as justified as i might feel it is - it isnt healthy or going to help her see good in me or our M

Wonka, d@mn your mirror can sting sometimes...

[Wonka]

Wonka, d@mn your mirror can sting sometimes...

To do so otherwise would be doing a great disservice to you and your M. And dishonest too.

[jim0987]

Ok revised draft

I hope you dont mind but i've included all the specifics that i'm having to go back to her on in case i've got more negative judgement in there

Hi,

Thanks for your comments. attached is the updated draft agreement.

Hopefully you'll find the language a little better.

Theres a few bits i just want to explain
- Of the money i'm giving you £X000 is for D3 and S1 and i think its important the document reflect this
- I'm not comfortable assuming responsibility for the joint account, though i'm happy to transfer all the debits accross to my new account as soon as you are happy for me to do so.
- I'm perfectly happy for you to do a more phased move if that makes things easier for you, equally if you want to take a few days so you can decorate a bit before you move in the thats fine with me. I just want to make sure we arent still discussing who has what 6 months down the line
- I think we need to leave the contingency element - If I die before I've sorted my will I want to make sure everything goes to D3 & S1, but to make sure you have control as I know you will look after them. It prevents any family interference.
- I think there is still quite a bit to agree with regard to furniture and contents and i'm hestitant to salami slice this discussion

Hope thats ok but get back to me if you have any concerns

I'll tidy up the childcare one and get that accross to you.

Jim

[Wonka]

Hi,

Thanks for your comments. attached is the updated draft agreement.

Hopefully you'll find the language a little better.

Theres a few bits i just want to explain
- Of the money i'm giving you £X000 is for D3 and S1 and i think its important the document reflect this. [[color:#000000]b]Money for what? What's the purpose of this?[/b]
- I'm not comfortable assuming responsibility for the joint account, though i'm happy to transfer all the debits accross to my new account as soon as you are happy for me to do so.
- I'm perfectly happy for you to do a more phased move if that makes things easier for you, equally if you want to take a few days so you can decorate a bit before you move in the thats fine with me. I just want to make sure we arent still discussing who has what 6 months down the line What do you mean here??
- I think we need to leave the contingency element - If I die before I've sorted my will I want to make sure everything goes to D3 & S1, but to make sure you have control as I know you will look after them. It prevents any family interference.
- I think there is still quite a bit to agree with regard to furniture and contents and i'm hestitant to salami slice this discussion

Hope thats ok agreeable to you but get back to me if you have any concerns

I'll tidy up the childcare one and get that accross to you.

Jim[/color]

[jim0987]

Thanks Wonka

The language comment is because she asked me to rewrite the document in 'plain english'

The money is my purchasing of the equity in the house. we borrowed a bit of money from our kids savings to top up the deposit and my wife is insistent that goes with her. I'm ok with that but she edited the document so there is no distinction. I think its important to recognise that a proportion of the money i'm giving her isnt hers its the kids (and also to make sure she doesnt try and say later that their money is still in my house)

We had originally discussed that when she moves out anything left in the house that day was then mine. just trying to avoid the 'thats my toaster/pillow case/ornamental glass giraffe' for the next 6 months whilst still being flexible

[Wonka]

Jim,

Thanks for clearing some items up.

Is there any way that you can set up a trust fund for the kids so the money can grow so when they'd reach, say, age of 25 they can access those funds for whatever reason? It'll be a smart way to invest these funds.

As for the furniture, it is just "stuff" that can be easily replaced. When Ms. Wonka and I walked around the house discussing the split of furnishings, I said "okay" to all of her requests because I knew they're not worth fighting over and could be replaced. A part of me seethed a bit as she was 'destroying' my dreams. Ah....I survived it!

Perspective, ok?

[jim0987]

To be honest i'm not really attached to the stuff or even that i want a lot of it. When I broke up with my ex I gave her everything and just walked knowing it was my fault and so i shouldnt take any of the stuff - i still occassionaly go 'I'm sure i have a whatever' before realising it was something that i left behind.

Its more that i'm trying to keep my cost of replacement down a bit and to deal with it once and remove the source of potential conflict. So having said that i think its better to just drop that bit of the reply so it reads

I'm perfectly happy for you to do a more phased move if that makes things easier for you, equally if you want to take a few days so you can decorate a bit before you move in the thats fine with me.

on the kids fund I know that if I suggest anything she will take that as me trying to control or tell her that she cant be trusted with the kids money (she has a big thing about me not trusting her). I dont mind if it goes to her deposit i just want it to be clear that she has the kids money - I guess i dont trust her anymore.

[Wonka]

Jim,

The money is not some change of spare shillings in your pocket. It is a good amount of bank notes that I think you should have a say on when it comes to family finances. Control be damned. If you're not completely sure yet, you can say that you need to think on this some more and get back to W on this later.

[jim0987]

I should have been clearer - If she has the money then I trust her to look after it for the kids, it was inheritence from her gran which is why she has it (and she has always looked after their savings and investments)

What i dont trust is that if the document isnt clear, that she wont try and say later on that I still owe the kids that money because it was part of the equity in the house.