Ganb8te 3 - conquering crow pose

[gan]

The book I was referring to was Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch! (the one I mentioned in the letter…that I didn't give him). Definitely not going to give him DB/DR per DB/DR rules!

I plan to follow up with a text in a couple of days. 5LL might be a good one to throw in, too ;-)

[LisaB]

Ganb8te! Awesome! You did great and it sounds like a bit of a breakthrough.

He is sad but feeling hopeless. So how can we get him to have some hope?

I think it is a good idea to text him the book info but see if you can do it in a 180 way. Or just make it really clear that you aren't pursuing/telling him to read it. Maybe say something like "hey here is the name of the book I was telling you about. I found it fascinating!" Not something like "I hope it helps you to ..." or "I think it shows a lot about us .." Not that you would say anything like that but just see how you might be able to show the complete opposite?

What do you think about employing my previous style of ideas now? I think maybe that could give some hope or flip the situation a bit. I don't know if you recall but my suggestions were a bit pursuing but in a confident and friendly way I think.

For example while he is on his trip maybe send him some photos of you on your trip (looking hot of course) or just some photos of gorgeous scenery or amazing food. Not "thinking of you, wish you were here" but "hey, isn't this incredible?!"

Basically keep in touch in a fun, friendly and relaxed way. Build a friendship. Show him that you have a lot in common. Don't bug him with a million messages but just maybe see if you can build a connection in a fun way.

I think it is so funny that you are both dealing with the break up with the same methods - yoga, therapy, meditation. What about connecting with him over yoga, like sending an occasional text about something you accomplished? Make it a competition? Who can conquer crow first? haha

Maybe I am off base but it looks like he is trying to avoid his feelings and wish them away but he can't. You can't rush him through the process but maybe you can try to build a connection so that he can have hope for the future. It seems maybe in your case a friendship would be a good thing. Even if he has OW it doesn't sound like that is the issue.

Well, those are just my few cents of thoughts. Probably worthless.

I hope you are not feeling too down the next day. These emotional conversations can leave me feeling so sad the next day.

I think this is great!

Hugs and kisses,
Lisa

[Ggrass]

You wait till I update my tonight, it's scarey!

[labug]

Yoga has been one of my go to GAL activities since BD. I've done it on and off for years but never with a studio, always a gym or class arranged at work. I'm loving my new studio. Last weekend was the Christmas party and they had a DJ in to mix the music. It was so fun! Best of all, I can see my practice getting better. I used to look at photos of people doing crazy poses and think I could never do that. Lately though, I've been looking at them and thinking wow...I'm working my way up to that!

As a start, I hereby pledge that I will conquer crow pose by the time this thread locks.

Last thread here

Thanks once again to everyone who shares their story here and to everyone who stops by to read mine. You've helped me out of some dark places and for that I am eternally grateful.

Namaste.

I just noticed your thread title.

How's it going with crow?

[gan]

I just noticed your thread title. How's it going with crow?

Thanks for stopping by, Labug! Last night I did my first face plant. I just ducked my head and went with it. Didn't hurt one bit. One of life's great lessons ;-)

There's been a bit more activity on my thread that usual so I'm going to have to step it up if I want to conquer crow by the end of this one. Any tips? I know you are also a yogi. Poor upper body strength is my biggest yoga limitation. Even downward dog seems challenging some days.

[gan]

He is sad but feeling hopeless. So how can we get him to have some hope?
…
What do you think about employing my previous style of ideas now?
...
Well, those are just my few cents of thoughts. Probably worthless.
...
I hope you are not feeling too down the next day. These emotional conversations can leave me feeling so sad the next day.

Thanks, Lisa. Your few cents are priceless to me! I'm not sure that I'm ready to execute your list just yet but believe me, it is still in my back pocket and I intend to pull it out once I feel like he is ready for that.

As for today, I'm ok. Didn't sleep well but I'm generally ok. I'm happy with how things went last night (from a DB perspective anyway). I should have validated more. It's easy for me to fall back into old patterns and think "but he didn't say much that I could validate". I need to look for those moments. This is my biggest weakness I think, and something I really need to work on.

I need to trust in this process and let him walk his own path through this. One thing that he did say (and which I forgot to mention last night) was something to the effect of "Ganbatte made many mistakes, and H made even more mistakes." That's the first time that he's acknowledged that a) we played a role in the course of events (i.e. it wasn't just a natural process) and b) we BOTH played a role in the course of events. So it seems he is working his way through this (perhaps with the therapist).

My plan from here:
1. Txt him the details about the book tomorrow morning. I agree Lisa that I should just drop the name and leave it at that. He can decide if he wants to read it. Apropos the comment above about validation I may switch to email instead and throw in a "Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know that it can be difficult" or something to that effect. Ideas?
2. Not going to contact him again til on or after 6 Jan (his birthday) and only then say "Happy birthday, H. I hope you had a great day."
3. Wait for him to initiate contact (most likely February, based on the conversation above)

[jim0987]

2 and 3 on your action list are good plans but will you respond if he initiates between now and 6 Jan? or are you only talking about initiating contact

with regard to 1.

I would be tempted to stick with just
'XXXXXXX is the book i mentioned the other day, i found it really interesting.

you could add a
'let me know what you think'

if you want to throw in the validation, which i'm not sure is a great idea, then you might want to consider something like

'Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know that it can be difficult so i'm pleased you felt you could'

the added bit is a reminder that he felt safe with you at that time and i think adds sincerity to the thanks because it shows you felt it was a positive thing

[Old Dog]

Well done ganb8te. I also think you did fantastically well.

And Lisa, your few cents are certainly not worthless. You do yourself a disservice saying so.

I think you're all right about the book. Just checked my own library and I'm missing that one.

I'm good at the sleeping dog in my yoga class.

[gan]

2 and 3 on your action list are good plans but will you respond if he initiates between now and 6 Jan? or are you only talking about initiating contact

Experience tells me he's unlikely to initiate contact. Besides, he's away for much of the time between now and then. If he does, well in my case I think it makes sense to be responsive. As Lisa said, the main obstacle seems to be that he feels hopeless right now - thinking that people don't change so things can't be different. I forgot to mention that I said the other night (in context, in a calm voice) it would be useful to understand more specifically what he thinks would need to change. He responded by saying he didn't want to sit there and make me feel bad and that maybe we would talk about it later. Maybe he'll put some thought to it and decide that they aren't such big obstacles after all...

At my parents place for the next few days. Can't shake the feeling that there is someone missing...

[LisaB]

Awww Ganb8te! Well, I am glad you liked some of my ideas. I think letting him find his own path is the best plan. I just thought maybe mixing it up with some lighthearted playful connection would be ok. Maybe for the future...

Sleeping dog.. yes that is also my favorite pose, Old Dog!

I think validating is great but too much sappiness is pursuing. Maybe say "xxxx is the name of the book. Hope you find it interesting. It was good to see you and I hope you have a great trip home!"

Happy holidays sweet Ganbatte! Hugs!