Hi. Just accept what it is for now. We don't know what's going through their minds and we are never going to guess. I deal with it by accepting she's gone. Take each interaction for what it is. Nothing more. If W wants to sort it out or work on R then you will know I mind read for the first 5 weeks and all the signs were there that W wanted to come home but 9 weeks later she seems settled and happy enough You can never tell Keep working o. Detachment and moving on
Well, dropped off kiddos this AM and met WAW for breakfast. It was good sitting down as a family again. I can tell she seems to be softening. She is smiling at me and her gestures seem sincere towards me. Right now, I am just trying to keep everything informal and light. Trying to hear whats going on in her life and actually listening and being genuinely interested (first time in a long time). It seems that absence does make the heart grow fonder, But I am trying not to read too much into it at this time (which is very hard to do). then just stopped by her place to drop off support check and just had a good time with small talk. It seemed neither of us wanted to say bye, but I finally gave the kiddos a hug and a kiss and said bye.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
had another good day with WAW today. Started off with her calling last night and offering the kids to me for my family's x-mas party, of course I said yeas.so I met her and picked up th kiddos. I made sure I was all dapper... sport coat, nice jeans, cologne, fresh shave and 30lbs lighter than when she left. she dropped off the kids and I asked if I could keep them for Mass, and she sais yeah. I told her there is always a seat available for one more at church (temp taking). me and the boys went to mass and I invited her to breakfast for the kid exchange and she accepted. it was nice seeing her and SS18 again (although I see him when coaching hockey all the time). we parted ways , but I couldn't help but notice she was smiling again the whole time!!. I did some more temperature taking by apologizing for not binging some of her old Christmas ornaments with me to give back. I asked if she wanted me to drop them off or just wait till next year to see if we have x-mas together.... she answered.. "I'm not ruling that out"... My heart almost stopped!!!!. then a few hours after, we start some innocent texting banter back and forth regarding going to a chick flick sometime.. and she asked if I was chipping in for the popcorn.
It seems that creating a lighthearted and easy environment is really working out!!! we will see what the next few weeks hold, but fingers are crossed. I also lightheartedly expressed a few things that I have learned about being selfish in the past, and only doing the things that Ive always wanted to and my willingness to compromise. she said she was proud!!!
any thoughts???
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Hey Ile Guy. This sounds really awesome for you. A big change from just a few weeks ago right? You seemed really down on your R back then... now this good interaction. Inspiring. You'll have to tell me what special mojo you have... I want what you're getting. Best to you and keep going.
Last edited by HPoirot; 12/29/1402:27 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
1. Counseling for me.... NOT US 2. Creating a "new" environment. 3. Stopping all arguments (ive had to do this one a few times...LOL) 4. Letting go 5. When she gets emotionally argumentive, I just excuse myself and tell her that I have to go (take that mirror off me) 6. Truly doing my 18's0 for ME... 7. Controlling what I can control. 8. Stopped my own little pity party... (get your balls back!!!, LOL) 9. and most important.....OWNING MY PART IN THIS!!!! 10. NO SEX WITH HER (if that's even an option) or for you with anyone else!!!
I am always floating "something" (very subtly at first) to take the temp of her emotional state. I have written emails (check my other threads), requesting things that I can do to work on me.. not US. and then I replied by telling her how I felts, trying to balance I and US vs. you.
Prior to our S, I was a balless little sap due to my own insecurities, and lack of leadership in our relationship. I started by setting boundaries, letting her know what was and what wasn't acceptably behavior (I filed... not her). I started with PMA's and realizing, that as a man, I lost control of ALL aspects of my marriage. I am not trying to be a sexist, but women are looking for a MAN... not s wuss. I am not saying by any means being an A#$hole to your W... But to take charge and be the man. My wife is now open to me taking her out to a chick flick (nothing I ever would have ever done before) and going out for drinks. She also wants to help me pick out furniture for my bedroom, because she hates the set that she moved out with..LOL.
If you are still emotionally charged towards each other, empathize with her feelings. Honestly try to put yourself in her shoes and validate verbally to her that you understand how she may feel (that was big for us) and do not keep saying it and do NOT keep apologizing... She heard you the first time!!! Just let her know you are aware of her feelings and let it go..
Then Create and keep up the new and comfortable environment.. I started with very short texts about the kids followed by a "smiley" EVERYTIME we texted. eventually she do it back. when we were not arguing about stuff during texts, we stared talking more in person... Keeping up that new environment (even though I am still dying inside). I am constantly making myself that guy that she is questioning herself for leaving.
I also initially made the big mistake about talking about the issues WAY too soon... She wasn't ready... But I kept, and keep hitting the reset button when I get a negative feed back.
Questions for you....
Does she still smile at you??? Are your interactions just transactions? Are you being confident and not cocky around her? Are you waiting for her to text or call you (you should be) About anything other than S11? Are you keeping this a private matter around your friends and family? (she will know if youre not)
Theres a lot more... Good luck Brother.. I am Praying for your guys right now...
you didn't get into this jam overnight and you wont get out of it that soon either... Keep your chin up... Be a great dad, keep up the PMAs, work on you, and make yourself the person she would be a fool to leave.
I also posted a little bit about forgiveness... here it is. This is for you!!!
I'm not totally up to date on your sitch but slow down! Remember slow and steady wins the race. It sounds like you have some real positives but remember be mysterious. You don't want to come off pursuing too much. No need to temp check so much.
Remember you want the scared little squirrel to not run back up the tree
OH... and one more thing.... THERE WILL BE SETBACKS!!!! That's actually one of my many little signs I have posted around the house in conspicuous places to remind me of the task ahead... right on the back of my front door!!!!
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I don't think Im taking it too fast...there is some things that I am still looking for from her.
1. accept her responsibility for her part (look at the letter in my other post 2. Her willingness to improve herself. 3. Her to take the next step towards US.
If there is a way that we can spend time together noncommittally and start enjoying each others company again.. then so be it. I am waiting (unbeknownst to her)for these things that I am looking for changes in her as well. Everyone's sitch is different. I just thank God that I was able to pull my head out of my A@# soon enough to try and salvage whats left before its too late and create this environment of communication.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Right and she will do those things when she is ready.
I wasn't trying to be rude I was just trying to give you another perspective. I think there definitely are some good things going for you. Keep up with the easy going fun stuff ... But don't be her back up plan
