This topic is interesting for me because I (the man) am both the sexual and emotional pursuer. My wife is actually the sexual and emotional distancer. So it is flipped from the "norm".
Reading the description there are also some crossover with us. For example: I am a leader even though I am the pursuer. My wife is the controlling one even though she is the distancer.
How often does this type of thing happen? Where the man is the more emotional one and the pursuer and the woman is the more stoic and controlling distancer?
My pickle is this. My wife wants a divorce because I went through some depression and she deemed me an unavailable husband and father and felt abandoned. During our separation (which is going on 6 months) I have pursued her like crazy. It has backfired. The last month I have been trying to strike a balance. I am NOT pursuing her but am making a 180 in ensuring that I am much more pro-active in the relationship with my kids and being "helpful" to her in things like chores etc.
It's a strange dynamic for me because my wife has said she is done and wants a divorce. I can't just go dark because that would be viewed as validating her image of me as an absent father and husband. But I also can't pursue her. So I'm distancing myself from her by not talking about our R. I only initiate contact if it is to discuss the kids. I am making sure I am going out of my way to talk to my kids everyday and spend as much of my time off from work with them. I also do chores around my house when I am there with the kids and she is not. But I don't advertise it to her. So I'm giving her the space she needs from me by not emotionally pursuing her. But at the same time I am showing her through my actions that my depression is gone, that the depressed me was not the real me and am being the most attentive father and helpful husband I can be.
It's a strange dynamic in my situation. Anyone have any thoughts?
BEClem, Do you have a thread on the forum? I did read the thread over in Newcomers and think you may get more responses if you have one in the MLC Forum. However, that is your call to decide whether to post one here or not.
I'm going to try to provide you w/a couple of responses on this thread, but I would really like to see a thread posted in MLC so that we can see your entire story and then you can have a journal to refer back to about you and your situation. Okay?
Anyone can be a distance/pursuer. It doesn't necessarily mean the wife has to be the pursuer. Both the husband and wife can switch up the dynamics at any time because of what his transpiring in their lives. What you have described about you and your wife isn't unique...but you are still pursuing in a way. Sure, you aren't talking to her about the relationship, but your actions are saying something different. Instead of doing the chores around the home when you are there, I suggest that you just leave them be. Your actions are still telling her that you want her back and will do anything to prove that your depression has lifted. Even though you don't draw attention to those completed chores, she is very well aware of what you are doing.
So, instead of doing the chores, spend the time w/your children. Do things that are fun w/the children. Get out of the house, take them somewhere and just spend quality time w/them. As for the chores, since she's living in the home, that is now her responsibility to take care of them. If she should ask you to help out w/them, then fine...unless the toilet is overflowing or the air conditioning is on the fritz when you are there...leave the chores alone. She can't miss you if you are continuing to do things for her.
As for showing her that your depression has lifted, start living your life. Find hobbies and outside activities that will help take your mind off of the situation. Get together w/friends and actually starting living again. Actions of this nature say more than doing the chores.
Live your life for YOU and your children. Give your wife the time and space she requires and allow her to figure things out for herself and that includes the chores in the space that she is living.
I do have a thread in the newcomers forum. However, I can certainly post my story in the MLC forum.
I get what you are saying about the chores. It makes complete sense. But my concern is this: Her reasons for no longer loving me and being done is that while I was depressed I ignored my responsibility as both husband and father. So your advice on the kids is spot on and I am actively doing that. However, she also viewed my lack of availability and assistance with domestic responsibility as a major issue as well. For my particular case, I believe that if I am not showing her through action on both the father and the responsible and helpful husband end that it could backfire on me and will only validate her reasoning for wanting to divorce.
Her gripe being that I abandoned her and the kids tells me that my 180 needs to be total focus on being the best and most involved father I can be and also just do what needs to be done around my house when I am there. That would be the true 180 from what I was when I was depressed and that is what the real me was before my depression.
Of course, I need to be doing this while giving her space and not pursuing her in terms of talking about us.
It's a delicate balance in my case because if I just "let things alone and let her do everything on her own" than I am not doing a 180. I am actually doing one of the things that has made her feel that she is done with me.
Yes, it makes sense, but you also have to remember that, if she's in crisis, she will use any excuse to justify her wanting a divorce. Keep in mind, that this is a darn if you do, darn if you don't situation. You could jump through hoops while doing chores and planting gold bricks and she may still be unhappy.
If something is working, then by all means continue to do it, but if it's not, then try something different.
Just remember...whatever changes you are making, they must become permanent and a part of your day-to-day life, i.e., not to win her back. Give her as much space that she can choke on. No more discussions about the relationship and I would scale back the chores for a while to see if she says something.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good advice. Thanks job. I think what I am doing right now is working. Remember that I am in the very early stages of all of this. It was only 6 days ago that she attended our very first counseling session with a new counselor (she had agreed to give counseling a second chance) and revealed that she had made her decision. That she couldn't do this (counseling) and that she was done.
Now I have been working on the permanent changes for a month. So right after that happened (the counseling session) I just got right back on track with what I was doing. She apologized to me after the session, but said she didn't want to stay married to me only to not hurt me. I told her that I didn't want her to stay with me for that reason only. Told her that I loved her and that all I want is a chance. Told her that I don't want to speak about it and asked her if we could give it some time to breathe. She said yes (reluctantly).
That was last Wednesday. On Thursday I went right back on track. So far so go in that she has made no mention to me of us. Has not talked about divorce. Hasn't said anything like "hey stop trying I'm done". She had expressed to the counselor last Wednesday that she noticed the changes I'm making but said that she did not believe they were real and it was "too little too late".
But, I believe that by asking her after the session if we could just let it breathe for a while, by her agreeing to it and by me going right back to what I was doing, I believe that I am buying some time.
She says she is done but I don't believe her. If she were done she would have taken action. I think she is sitting back and observing me right now to see how I react. To see if my efforts and changes are genuine or fabricated.
For anyone else reading here I really dont think you need to buy the book. Read this thread and it has all you really need to know.
I recently had a conversation with the author of the book and he wrote this to me, so I thought I would add this to the thread as good to know stuff. Maybe I will add more in the future.
Originally Posted By: pdelucca
We are born, in my experience, either a pursuer or distancer. environment merely moderates the severity but does not change what we are. Pursuers and distancers change around different people and events. However, around your primary relationships our true self comes out since this is what we seek most intensely and intimately. You can see this when you track people in different relationships. They end up with the same patterns and same people, just in different skin.
and also this
Originally Posted By: Pdelucca
Pursuers, like myself, have a difficult time distancing. we are made for relationships, connections. Not to pursue forces us to deal with our own incompleteness and emptiness, or fill it in with other things or people. Pursuers, and distancers, are on a scale of 1-10, Ten being the most severe. Pursuers in the 7-10 range have the most issues and the most extreme loneliness/emptiness, thus the need to fill it in. We run from ourselves but never quite escape. I am probably about an 8, so I know of what I speak.
He also says that we need to change our core selves to stop being pursurers, easier said than done.
Yes, it's easier said than done to change our core selves from being pursuers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think that is the thing... I always have been the pursuer and Mr Fixit ... I feel now I am better, I catch myself ... I almost feel like I should have some variation of a Sobriety Coin, Hello fellow DB'rs I am a pursuer and its been 3 weeks since my last attempt.
Its such a part of who I was, and I can see the sliders move depending on the situation, small events I am a 3, I notice it ... bigger ones and that thing goes up to an 8 and I have to talk myself down, do not chase, do not fix
I think it will be a struggle for some time, just like working out, you have to stick to it and you get better and stronger.
