Faith, I'm with Claire. I don't think sleeping with him is doing you any good. And understand that I did sleep with H right up until he moved out. But I knew it truly was "just sex" and I went there with eyes wide open.
Now that he's moved out I won't be sleeping with him again, despite the Christmas present
So do I verbally shut him down if this ever happens again or do I just make sure it doesn't with my actions? Ugh. This is so hard. Sex was literally one of the greatest parts of our R. And I am such a physical person, not having it is so hard.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Yes I did. We got each other several presents, the lingerie was just one. The big reach for me is that one of his presents from me was a replacement for something he wanted from the house but I didn't let him take. So now he has one. Sigh...
On the sex thing, you could try explaining to your H, but I'm not sure I'd bother because it's your actions that will have to back it up anyway. Just don't put yourself in situations where you feel weak. It's hard, I know. You can do it.
Hello Faith... I would say your actions. If he is around in the home again, maybe you let him know you expect him to leave at x time b/c you have to sleep b/c you have a busy day tomorrow.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Everyone says the same thing-- that something doesn't seem right. That H was always a family man and we always looked so in love. That this B came at such a weird time and it makes no sense that he walked out and doesn't even want to talk or try to work things out. I don't think there is another woman bc H isn't like that, but something happened.
I didn't think my ex was "like that" either - but he did cheat. Actually, I'd say 99% of the male WASs on this board turn out to have cheated (and maybe 90-95% of the women).
It could have been a one night stand with a hooker at his bachelor party, or an ongoing affair with a coworker (I've seen several cases here where a couple marries, then the wife discovers her H has been having an affair for 6-12 mo before the wedding and just didn't have the balls to call it off!).
While normally snooping is inadvisable, in a sitch like this, it's worth knowing what you're up against. At the very least, I'd take a good look at the cell phone records before and after the bomb drop. If he's been cheating, you need to protect yourself against STDs.
AS for the sex - sometimes it's useful, especially if it wasn't good before and you're trying to show how it could be. But in your case, if it's always been good before, then doing something different - in turning him down - may be useful. After all, you always want what you can't get.
How bout asking him to watch your son for you one night. Be mysterious about where you're going. Be dressed up nice with perfume when you leave, as if you were going on a date. Have a cover story like going dancing or to a party with a single girlfriend. Come home bubbly and smiling. (Even if you just go to a coffee house or a movie by yourself in between ). Let him sit and wonder what he might be losing.
I snooped once when he spent the night and literally found nothing. He supposedly sat in the car while the rest of his boys when into the strip club during his bachelor party and I truly do believe him. But I also do see how if by some small change he did cheat on me, I could see him ending things abruptly with no explanation.
A few weeks ago I actually had him watch my son two nights in a row so I could go out. The first night he kept coming into my room while I was getting ready and asking if I was going on a date, etc. (I brushed it off and never answered). Then he started saying "good for you" and my blood was literally boiling. On one hand it felt like he was pushing me out the door. On the other, even if he was jealous and just commenting, it was irritating as hell.
I get the feeling that a huge part of this is his family. The last time we had an R talk, I said I thought we could have a fresh start. And he said almost to himself, "what about my family". His mom and brother have NEVER liked or supported our relationship and both seem to have gotten off on the fact that he walked out on me. He also made a comment about how a part of him wishes he could take me and S8 to another state and just start over. I could be mind reading here, but this makes me think that one of the reasons he is afraid to come back is that he is worried about what his family/friends will think. If that's the case, I'm up against a hell of a lot more than I thought.
I do also think he is having some sort of quarter life crisis. He has been bouncing from one hobby to the next. First it was surfing, then mountain bike riding, and now it's rock climbing. Recently he told me he wants to put a bed in the back of his truck and travel the country for weeks at a time. He seems to be "searching" for something. He doesn't seem to know his place in this world. And I think he saw marriage and starting a family as a dead end. He keeps saying that maybe "5 to 10 years from now" we can have another try. Ughm... 5 to 10 years?? No thanks.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
we're told to believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do. So when H tells me that it's "just sex and changes nothing" am I supposed to believe this or not?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
You know, I'm torn on this one. Truth is, many WASs tell themselves this because they are confused and don't want to give you false hope. So it might be ok to go with it for a time or two.
On the other hand, my general rule about dating is, when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. if you were dating some new guy and he told you it was just sex, would you stick around? Heck no !
Also, btw, no guy in the history of the world ever sat out in the parking lot while his bachelor party goes into a strip club. I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.
