Christmas Gifts???

[Ile Guy]

Thanks T!!!!

You have a valid point... I "think" I have it figured out... But that changes day by day. LOL, Its been a real rollercoaster for all of us on this board.. Your input is sincerely appreciated.. I does kill me on the inside that I may be and it kills me even more that I may have to say no if I am. Her financial sitch is NOT GOOD, and she is doing things against the court order to make her ends meet... Selling things of value and possibly her 401k... But unfortunately some ppl have to hit rock bottom before they realize what they had. My rock bottom was coming home and half my stuff, kids and wife were gone.

Keep keeping me in check... I honestly appreciate it!!

[T384]

They really do have to hit rock bottom before they can realize what they are doing. So don't get in her way of that. It took me so long to start really listening to the great people on this board. I remember the first couple days posting on here and my H and I were going to meet. One of the guys that has helped me from the beginning told me to only go if I could be happy and not have any R talk. Well I totally didn't listen. Got roped into a R talk that ended with him leaving me crying in a parking lot. Once I got my act together I started to feel so much better and when I really started letting go (not that I ever fully did) my H felt it too. We actually talked about it a lot in the beginning and he can pin point down moments and dates that he started noticing changes in me and it really coincided with things I posted here.

If nothing You will come out a better person. I cannot emphasize enough that women want a strong man's man. Do not be her friend or her back up plan. Be the friendly neighbor that's busy out GALing. She will wonder what you're up to. She has to feel like she's losing you. If she thinks she still has you she will continue to go about Her life because she knows you are still there. Still will tug on the string every once in awhile to make sure you're still there.

[Ile Guy]

insightful THANK YOU!!!!!

[HPoirot]

If you are still emotionally charged towards each other, empathize with her feelings. Honestly try to put yourself in her shoes and validate verbally to her that you understand how she may feel (that was big for us) and do not keep saying it and do NOT keep apologizing... She heard you the first time!!! Just let her know you are aware of her feelings and let it go..

Then Create and keep up the new and comfortable environment.. I started with very short texts about the kids followed by a "smiley" EVERYTIME we texted. eventually she do it back. when we were not arguing about stuff during texts, we stared talking more in person... Keeping up that new environment (even though I am still dying inside). I am constantly making myself that guy that she is questioning herself for leaving.

I also initially made the big mistake about talking about the issues WAY too soon... She wasn't ready... But I kept, and keep hitting the reset button when I get a negative feed back.

Questions for you....

Does she still smile at you???
Are your interactions just transactions?
Are you being confident and not cocky around her?
Are you waiting for her to text or call you (you should be) About anything other than S11?
Are you keeping this a private matter around your friends and family? (she will know if youre not)

Theres a lot more... Good luck Brother.. I am Praying for your guys right now...

Hello Ile Guy. Thank you so much for your post. I find it very helpful and your sitch turnaround very inspiring.

To answer your questions... My W and I are in a bad place right now. She is in an A which she will not stop and continues to lie about. At first, when I didn't know the extent of her activity, I was doing some of the things you're doing and we re-connected a few times.

Now I'm too angry to be around her and she goes from shame/not looking at me in my presence to fury and screaming on the phone. We have not spent any time together since I left with my son on 12/14.

So no she doesn't smile at me now that I don't do what or act like friends as she wants me to.

I have limited our interactions to just S11 transactions. I don't respond to anything else.

Right now I'm barely cordial around her if we meet to exchange S11. I have trouble hiding my anger from her. I haven't gone more than a couple minutes in her presence. She still invites me to do family things like have lunch together on S11s bday or attend his doctor appointments together today. I ignore those invitations.

We only communicate on S11. She used to send me texts about how sorry and wrong she feels about what she's done. I ignored those at first... then responded by calling her on not really feeling sorry b/c she won't make changes. So no more of those texts from her.

I haven't discussed this with anyone close to us except my dad who didn't really like her anyway.

So I've gone pitch black dark with her. I've told her she's lost my friendship and my support. Then I show it everyday. Maybe too much.

I don't know how to get to where you are from here. There's nothing I can do to make that happen. Plus, I cannot pursue or warm up to her while she continues to disrespect our M. I don't take time to feel empathy for her when I'm focused on my pain.

At the same time... I really want to get to where you are. At the beginning of my sitch, she used to ask me to lunch and for drinks. We slept in the same bed, had some good talks, and enjoyed some time together.

Now... B/c of all that... I feel even more angry with her b/c she was in a PA the whole time.

When she senses my anger or me ignoring her... she lashes out and calls me an avoider.

Just don't know what to do outside of going dark on her. It hurts me to do that... so I like reading posts like yours where you're having good connections with your W.

Keep it up and keep going.

[Sotto]

HP, I think your anger towards your W is really something to think about and try and work on.

If, in her interractions with you, she's picking up curtness, barely suppressed rage etc, it's not going to get you closer to where you want to be.

I know she is in an A (as is my H) and it's all pretty hard to take. But how you deal with that can make a big difference to your sitch. Getting to the 'friendly and busy and distracted neighbour' phase may help you a lot?

It has helped me to truly accept. My H doesn't love me right now. He thinks our R is over. He loves someone else right now. I don't love any of this and none of it is fair - but it IS what IS - at least for now. Not fighting against it has helped my anger, and I don't show anger towards H. I'm pleasant in any exchanges we have.

There's a time and a place to deal with your feelings of anger. For now, deal with them away from your W and process them yourself. If you reconcile, sharing your feelings, including the anger, will come.

[Ile Guy]

HP.... Toots is on to something!!!

No matter now much it hurt for my wife to leave... that she gave up, that she took my kids from me, that she sold her wedding ring, that she told everyone that I am a monster..... I realized after a lot of reading and counseling, that IF!!!, I were going to turn this around, a positive change had to come from me first. I decided that I was going to create AND SUSTAIN this safe haven for her to feel comfortable around. Read the forgiveness links I posted earlier... get to church or temple.... Pray daily. Its hard, especially at the beginning. and watch the meds... they have a tendency to become a crutch.

Create the space.

hit me u anytime you want to chat...

We're all pulling for you.

[HPoirot]

OK got you Ile Guy. I am recommitting to making a positive change in me. I'll re-create the safe haven I had for W even though I will not be spending time with her or speaking with her during my LRT.

I did read your forgiveness link and it was valuable thank you. I talked before with 25 about how I really don't know how to forgive. Now, sometime I feel better about her... even forgiving. That doesn't last but I'm getting better.

And I have started praying with my son at night. Prayer of gratitude for his mom and for our family.

Yes and the meds. I have a good support team in doctor and therapist who will work together for me on this. I will mention my alcohol to my therapist.

I will get better and stronger... right now I feel pretty good and confident thanks. It comes and goes.

[Ile Guy]

HP WTG!!!!!!