-W wants to create happy memories with you (it's obvious to me that your comment about finding "happiness comes from within" has really sunk in) -W wants to ML!! You are in a very enviable position, buddy. She's feeling emotionally open enough to try ML. I'd go for it if I were you. -W isn't interested in going forward with separation
It has been proven by research that a strong marriage is forged by experiencing new things together as a couple. Why don't you and W sit down soon and brainstorm a list of things that you'd like to do together. Perhaps take French cooking class in your town's continuing education college.
Don't lose this opportunity when your W has those positive feelings. Strike while the iron is hot.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Slow learner? You bet! For all my education, I can be a real dolt sometimes.
Yeah, I'm going to go for it. Like always, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Her rhetoric and her emotional stability has been much better over the last few days. I think getting through the holidays unscathed has helped with her stress level. I'm sure my less-than excited reaction is part of working through my own resentment. That'll get better.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
ROFL! I'm a little teapot - short and stout! Italian, dark, 4'11. And when I get all steamed up, hear me shout.....GO RZR GO! GO RAZR GO!
LOL!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I know, I know. Diarrhea of the mouth during a late night discussion. There's no "there" there. OW and I have had a few discussions in her cubicle, mostly about holidays and running. Nothing more. No texting, no after-hours communication at all. We're not even Facebook friends. She smiles at me and laughs at my stupid jokes and acts like she wants me around. I needed that. I'm rational enough to know that this is my loneliness talking. Safe to say that if we did D that she would be one of the first to know. I wasn't trying to give my W the impression that I was pursuing anyone else...I just thought maybe she'd get that I had other options and that would trigger a little jealousy. Not my proudest moment.
Had my last session with Chuck today. He hammered me (like everyone else on here) to ease up on OM and let my W find her own way. He advised me to keep working on myself and our M; that way the OM would gradually lose appeal for my W, instead of putting my foot down and running the real risk of resentment from her. I was looking at OM as a roadblock that needed to be dynamited out of the way before she and I could continue making progress. What will be will be and chances are she'll make the right call. That's only what the vets on this board have been telling me to do from the beginning. You'd think I'd get it.
My W this weekend started talking about creating new memories and doing things that bonded us. She wants to ML again (gotta wait, time of the month, naturally). These things should be filling me with joy, or at least relief. Problem was, I was partially disappointed that she didn't want to go forward with separation. I don't know if it's because I've been guarding myself against her emotionally for so long, or if I started getting too comfortable with the idea of moving on without her. That was disturbing to say the least. It's funny how the push/pull dynamic works.
I have personally never seen this approach work.
There are only two ways I have seen work: either aggressively do a Harley-esque demand no-contact, full-transparency things . . . OR, the "RobX Set Them Free" approach.
To blow off your own admitted need for full transparency WITHOUT something very similar to the RobX speech that JCred outlines above is a recipe for LIMBO CAKE-EATING DISASTER, in my opinion.
There's a gulf of difference between "ignore OM, set her free and move on" and "ignore the OM and trust her to do the right thing; what will be will be" that you're planning, Rzr.
I know, I know. Diarrhea of the mouth during a late night discussion. There's no "there" there. OW and I have had a few discussions in her cubicle, mostly about holidays and running. Nothing more. No texting, no after-hours communication at all. We're not even Facebook friends. She smiles at me and laughs at my stupid jokes and acts like she wants me around. I needed that. I'm rational enough to know that this is my loneliness talking. Safe to say that if we did D that she would be one of the first to know. I wasn't trying to give my W the impression that I was pursuing anyone else...I just thought maybe she'd get that I had other options and that would trigger a little jealousy. Not my proudest moment.
Had my last session with Chuck today. He hammered me (like everyone else on here) to ease up on OM and let my W find her own way. He advised me to keep working on myself and our M; that way the OM would gradually lose appeal for my W, instead of putting my foot down and running the real risk of resentment from her. I was looking at OM as a roadblock that needed to be dynamited out of the way before she and I could continue making progress. What will be will be and chances are she'll make the right call. That's only what the vets on this board have been telling me to do from the beginning. You'd think I'd get it.
My W this weekend started talking about creating new memories and doing things that bonded us. She wants to ML again (gotta wait, time of the month, naturally). These things should be filling me with joy, or at least relief. Problem was, I was partially disappointed that she didn't want to go forward with separation. I don't know if it's because I've been guarding myself against her emotionally for so long, or if I started getting too comfortable with the idea of moving on without her. That was disturbing to say the least. It's funny how the push/pull dynamic works.
I have personally never seen this approach work.
There are only two ways I have seen work: either aggressively do a Harley-esque demand no-contact, full-transparency things . . . OR, the "RobX Set Them Free" approach.
To blow off your own admitted need for full transparency WITHOUT something very similar to the RobX speech that JCred outlines above is a recipe for LIMBO CAKE-EATING DISASTER, in my opinion.
There's a gulf of difference between "ignore OM, set her free and move on" and "ignore the OM and trust her to do the right thing; what will be will be" that you're planning, Rzr.
Starsky
Well, demanding has gone over like a lead balloon, so in that case it's Robx's approach.
I thought that's what I was doing. She asked me why I didn't panic about our situation. I've already made it clear to her that I'm through hassling her about her choices. They're hers to make. I am prepared for what life throws at me. She thought that meant I was indifferent to our marriage. To the contrary, I care very much, but I will run with life no matter what. Long story short, leaders don't panic. They plan, live in reality, control what they can, let go what they can't, and make the best of the cards they're dealt.
Starsky, are you advocating that I separate from her if she insists on seeing OM again?
Last edited by Rzrback; 12/30/1403:16 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
