You had better get your own head and heart straight, first. There is something here that has a odd tone, IMO.
Well, that's true. I'm sitting back at this point. I'm not making any decisions based on how I feel at this moment. I'm self-aware enough to know that it can and probably will change. I do know I'm working through some resentment.
What's striking you as odd?
"Odd" has been my constant companion the last few months.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/02/1506:39 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
IDK, just seems like ever since your flirtation with OW you sound different.
For the record, I understand how you feel resentment. However, if you have doubts that you can forgive her, now is the time to confront yourself. Don't allow this to be about who wins the girl.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IDK, just seems like ever since your flirtation with OW you sound different.
For the record, I understand how you feel resentment. However, if you have doubts that you can forgive her, now is the time to confront yourself. Don't allow this to be about who wins the girl.
You're right. Meeting OW took some of the fight out of me.
Nothing is going on with OW, emotional or otherwise. Our torrid A has consisted of a few conversations in public venues. There's obvious attraction and chemistry, but nothing else. I've made a point of not swinging by her cubicle to talk, keeping things to a quick "Hi" in the halls. I was up front about being married. I actually feel a little silly at how much of an effect she had on me.
My doubts about my M are not about the OW per se. My chances of having an actual R with her are pretty small. What meeting OW did for me was point out that I could have a good life after my M. That I had prospects for a life that I may actually be happier than what I have now. What I am wrestling with is whether I've been fighting for my M because that's what I really want, or because I was afraid of the alternative. I'm remembering times in my own M where I was almost a WAS, but I didn't leave because of my children or because I didn't want to be the "bad guy".
It's not a matter of forgiving my W. I know I can forgive her; I'm questioning now whether this whole sitch was ultimately a wakeup call that I needed to pay more attention to my M, or that my M has run it's course.
I should want my W. She's sexy, outgoing, and free-spirited. She's a wonderful mother. I enjoy being with her. Our sex life has started back up and it's been good so far. I love her family. I should be thrilled to death that things seem to be getting better, but I'm not. On paper we work. I'm just no longer sure if I really want to be married to her, and I can't figure out why. Three months ago I was a total rock, focused on restoring my marriage. Now, not so much.
I KNOW that this is the same "grass is greener" thinking that my W is doing. I'm trying to figure out whether this is lingering resentment of my W, or something else. I've put so much energy into SFTU that now that things are relaxing a bit, my own issues are coming out. This has been a totally unexpected development, to say the least. Hopefully this is something I can sort out when MC starts back up next week.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Nothing is going on with OW, emotional or otherwise. Our torrid A has consisted of a few conversations in public venues. There's obvious attraction and chemistry, but nothing else. I've made a point of not swinging by her cubicle to talk, keeping things to a quick "Hi" in the halls. I was up front about being married. I actually feel a little silly at how much of an effect she had on me.
I didn't mean to imply you were having an A with her, but by your own description it could be an A waiting to happen. Whenever there is "obvious attraction and chemistry" you should continue to avoid having any more conversations......period. The fact she had such an effect on you is a warning of how vulnerable you can be to acting on it further.
I believe most WAS thinks it is so much easier to have a new relationship than putting in the hard work to restore the old one.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe most WAS thinks it is so much easier to have a new relationship than putting in the hard work to restore the old one.
This I see is true. In our last hard R talk... my W mentioned that if she would "jump back into our M" that it would so HARD. I agreed with her... that we would have to work. She said she didn't want to. Interesting whenever we R talk she brings up fixing the M or MC but then always dismisses it.
So no blue pill for you Rzr! We are red pill!
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Nothing is going on with OW, emotional or otherwise. Our torrid A has consisted of a few conversations in public venues. There's obvious attraction and chemistry, but nothing else. I've made a point of not swinging by her cubicle to talk, keeping things to a quick "Hi" in the halls. I was up front about being married. I actually feel a little silly at how much of an effect she had on me.
I didn't mean to imply you were having an A with her, but by your own description it could be an A waiting to happen. Whenever there is "obvious attraction and chemistry" you should continue to avoid having any more conversations......period. The fact she had such an effect on you is a warning of how vulnerable you can be to acting on it further.
I believe most WAS thinks it is so much easier to have a new relationship than putting in the hard work to restore the old one.
Oh, I know good and well that there was high potential for an A. I was able to stop things before they got too far. We say "Hi" passing in the halls. That's it. There was never any communication outside of work, so nothing to stop there.
I know I sound like an idiot to others on this board who's sitches are much worse than mine. Hell, I feel like an idiot. I know these are simply emotions and they'll pass....so I whine here. I had faith that my W and I were on a good trajectory, I just didn't expect the reaction I had.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I believe most WAS thinks it is so much easier to have a new relationship than putting in the hard work to restore the old one.
This I see is true. In our last hard R talk... my W mentioned that if she would "jump back into our M" that it would so HARD. I agreed with her... that we would have to work. She said she didn't want to. Interesting whenever we R talk she brings up fixing the M or MC but then always dismisses it.
So no blue pill for you Rzr! We are red pill!
Ditto. My H told me early in our sitch, in the phase I lovingly refer to as "the month of rage" that it would be easier to get divorced than it would be to fix the marriage." Banner moment.
Pass all the pills!
PS - RZr - good idea with staying away from potential ow.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I am sorta like you in the sense that I have found out there are a few interested Females out there from what I have been told that would like to meet for dinner. This info has come to me through messages from friends who know just that I am currently S. So I know I will be fine if my W gets her wish.
While I find it flattering and all. I told my friends at this moment I am standing for my M but you never know what the future holds.
I am also working through some resentment issues at the moment but it is not making me want to do what my W is doing.
Hang tough and I hope your resentment subsides. Sandi advice is very good on this IMO.
Sandi, I couldn't agree more with your comment about WAS thinking it is easier to start over. I feel that is what my W thinks and it stinks because it doesn't have to be that way. Especially, if LBS decides to put in the work to allow the WAS the opportunity to see that it might not be "more of the same" if the changes stick.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
And that may ultimately be what it is. After BD, I lost a ton of weight, started dressing better, and the beard was possibly the best grooming choice I've ever made . I've kept my sitch largely secret at work, but bottom line I did start noticing more attention from women. Yeah, I ate it up, like any red-blooded man would. But I'm not going to do anything to endanger our delicate progress thus far.
My WAS was very open about thinking it easier to start over. She saw leaving me as a chance for a "do-over", to get away from my toxic parents and all our preexisting issues. The term "tabula rasa" was thrown about early in our sitch.
The good news is that she has noticed my changes and is slowly regaining her faith that the changes will stick.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
. I've kept my sitch largely secret at work, but bottom line I did start noticing more attention from women. Yeah, I ate it up, like any red-blooded man would. But I'm not going to do anything to endanger our delicate progress thus far.