The only discussion we have had about christmas went like this: her : " I assume your family christmases are the same as normal?" Me: "yes. It is your year for christmas morning according to the papers. I will have them to your place by 10pm and pick them up at 2. "
My WAW is trying on a new persona too. She has had new clothes on the last 4 times we have crossed pathes. I think I will call her new persona "20 year old "
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I think I'm just about ready for Christmas Ever and certainly ready to get the kids back today. Finished wrapping all the ir gifts last night- pogo sticks, stilts, scooters, etc. (not so subtle message to kids - go play outside!), and am ready to host the big family dinner tonight.
I've been thinking somewhat about last Christmas Eve - we hosted then too. STBX was in such a great mood, and it seemed like a celebration that we had come to the end of a difficult move, were settled in our new home and ready to move forward. However, I distinctly remember having a passing feeling or even a premonition that it was the calm before the storm, and sure enough it was. Two weeks later the year kicked off with D3 being hospitalized, then we found out STBX didn't get a job he was sure he had in the bag, our 2 beloved family dogs died within three weeks of each other, my sister's H lost his job, my parents had some scary health issues, and then of course the BD hit in July. Here's hoping 2015 is a lttle smoother!
I work at a large healthcare company that was originally a Catholic organization. Throughout advent, Sister B, has come on the loudspeaker each morning to provide a reflection. It is a soothing moment of the day, which I enjoy immensely. She touches a lot on suffering throughout the world and it has driven home that the problems that I listed above and the problems I expect to face with STBX this year, are, after all, first world problems. My children are safe and experience very little want, for which I am truly grateful.
Had a pretty good day yesterday - we did most of our "celebrating" Christmas Eve - so on the day itself we just went to church and I let the girls play with their new toys. I'm not sure what Santa was thinking bringing D6 the accordion she asked for and D3 a guitar to strum. Really Santa, mom's ears and nerves may never be the same.
STBX called and facetimed with the girls for about 5 minutes before there was some sort of meltdown and D3 started crying for me (I ususally leave the room during their calls). We made ornaments for the kids to give him, but much like my birthday, he did not help them do anything for me. Again, D6 was a little distressed and spent part of the day wrapping up some of her stuffed animals and giving them to me. I had gotten myself an embroidery project and told her the best gift she could get me was to get the threads all organized for me, but she wasn't buying it. Lesson learned. Next year and for Mother's Day, I'm going to have to ask my sister to help them out.
I realized yesterday that D6 really never talks about what goes on a Daddy's house (D3 is too young). I think I've been giving off some sort of vibe that I don't want to hear about it, and she must have picked up on that. I'll have to be aware of this and do better - she shouldn't feel that pressure.
Very grateful to have this precious time with them. We're off today to buy various batteries that Santa was to distracted to buy ahead of thime and to pick up a bunch of dog and cat treats for 75%off.
Have been enjoying a quiet Sunday - back to work tomorrow. I put together a massive "to-do" list for the coming year and was organizing it into months and I realized that it is so lengthy not because I am unusually ambitious but because I don't have to run anything by committee anymore and can pretty much do what I please. That's actually a surprisingly good feeling.
I was feeling a sense of accomplishment but when I looked at the finished product I realized I hadn't put anything on it in regards to STBX and the impending divorce. It does seem like rather a glaring omission so I guess I do need to come up with some goals in this area, primarily in the area of co-parenting, but probably need to sit on it for an extra night or two.
D6 was watching football with me today and after a hilarious exchange during which she asked why all the players were using "binkies" (mouthguards), she noted that all the players were spitting on the field and then mentioned that Daddy spits all the time now, even in a cup in the car. I guess this means he has taken up chewing tobacco again (he gave it up shortly before we married of his own volition- I never asked). Yech. I guess this goes with the new cowboy persona - just one more reason to feel that OW is not eactly getting a catch at the moment. So to my knowledge STBX takes Ambien, ED drugs, testosterone supplements and is now self medicating with tobacco. That seems like a pretty potent pharmalogical cocktail (I've always wondered if the testosterone has had an effect on his behavior).
Anyway - am looking forward to a stellar 2015. The girls and I are going to build a giant fort in the living room on New Years Eve and "camp" indoors.
The past couple of weeks- I have really noticed a difference in my feelings. Since I dropped the rope, I knew logically that I would be ok. I knew that I would do every thing possible to make things right with the kids. But now I feel like I have turned a corner and accepted emotionally that I am going to be ok.
Since the BD, I've been functional, I've done the best that I can. But there's no question that I've felt like I am just putting one foot in front of the other most days. Now I actually feel some energy coming back. I find that I can focus on other topics for extended periods of time (great for work). Today I changed my federal withholding to "Head of Household" with some additional deductions, and it felt great, instead of being a bummer!
I'm sure this is temporary. I must have more dips coming my way. But I feel the feisty Raliced coming back (I've felt on hold since the summer of 2012 due to STBX's depression and generally moody behavior).
Nothing much going on. Just a story about laundry.
Throughout our marriage, STBX would never let me do his laundry. Ever. I repeatedly volunteered and was denied. He always did it himself and his method was to throw a giant load of everything, of all colors and textures into the washer (which could barely handle such a large load) and wash it all at once. It turned into a small issue because we could never seem to coordinate a schedule. I would be ready to do the rest of the household laundry and would open up the washer to find his giant load in there or in the dryer and vise versa. It was one of those things that I wrote off to just being too small to make an issue of.
Since the separation, when he returns the girls, all of their clothes have been washed. I asked him nicely once to not do that (the smell of the detergent they use makes me sneeze and a pair of D6's pants were ruined), but he ignored me and the clothes continue to be returned freshly laundered.
Somehow the issue of laundry came up with D6 and she announced that Lisa does all the laundry at Daddy's place because its Lisa's house (empahsis is D6s).
I had to just chuckle. I know this sounds like a ridiculously small thing (and it is), but these little changes in behavior are mystifying to me.
Just channeling my inner Doris Day and singing Que Sera, Sera in my head.
Next week I will have to ask him for a status update on the divorce papers. Would really like to get them signed off before tax season, when he will realize he what owes the IRS for the retirement account he cashed out and that he will have no deductions other than his standard personal one.
