Here is the latest text back from my response.......
Me: Thanks for getting back to me on this. Sure, can meet you after work. See ya soon.
W: "@ home now. We can talk here, just don't want to involve the kids. Is there anyway you can take off the second part of tomorrow? I thought we could talk."
Really - don't want to involve the kids?? My guess is there might be a little impact for them from here decision (he said dripping with sarcasm).
And not like I can just take off work whenever I feel like it. I guess this is just how she views reality now and I certainly have no control over that.
Too bad this doesn't appear to be some RomCom that will have a happy ending in about 1.5 hours......
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Scream, kick, yell, punch a heavy bag all come to mind. after that is done I will feel better and the question will be "now what?"
The way that I see it there are a couple of ways to approach
1. Try to arrange schedule so that I have the afternoon off tomorrow to hear what she has to say and become more informed about where her thinking is at currently after we get through the initial court date. The caution in this approach is not letting expectations build up or to trying to solve the problem. In other words a tall cool glass of STFU……
2. Could take the approach of waiting for her to initiating contact again and let her drive the discussion. This will likely appear to W as mean and distant. And likely does nothing to help my goal of reconciling…..
Part of me thinks that maybe there is an opportunity to say something to her like “….. We have both done some growing and seems like it would be good to have a short discussion a little later tonight about the direction we are headed and how we can move forward.”
See the above begins to verge on the boundary of pressuring/pursuing........... And that's the danger of going down this path......
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
SFi, If you cannot take more time off work, then tell W this and stick with it. Then you guys can meet after work as originally planned.
Thanks Wonka. Originally the plan was to meet tonight but tomorrow night may also work......
Thanks Wonka. I know the right thing to do is to meet with her and be an adult about the conversation and doing the right thing for the kids. Any thoughts about the comments below? too much?
I think implied in the statement is an inherent desire to build a R moving forward for us.
“….. We have both done some growing and seems like it would be good to have a short discussion a little later tonight about the direction we are headed and how we can move forward......”
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I wouldn't say anything about growing and discussion on where things stand. Scrape those comments. Just go with an open mind and validate as appropriate.
The guilty until proven innocent comment-you had a whole story built in your head about what was going on and as it happens, she thought you had the paperwork all along.
You didn't want to ask so now, here you are.
Not furthering/aiding the process doesn't mean standing by idly. Once the D process is set in motion it's time to talk brass tacks.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The guilty until proven innocent comment-you had a whole story built in your head about what was going on and as it happens, she thought you had the paperwork all along.
Not sure it really matters but I don't think that she thought about the ppwk at all until earlier today when her L called her- she wasn't even aware of fact that we had the court appt at all until her L called her. At that point, she went looking for the ppwk and then assumed / accused me of digging through her drawers to find it.
For whatever reason, that accusation made me feel hurt and also sad that she would think I would do that.
Not sure that the above matters, I am taking your point to be to focus on not mind reading or avoiding.....
Originally Posted By: labug
Not furthering/aiding the process doesn't mean standing by idly. Once the D process is set in motion it's time to talk brass tacks.
Thanks for this clarification. I think I was under the impression that the DB approach would be to not assist in moving things along so that the WAS could be responsible for the outcome of their own actions...
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Conversation tonight re: tomorrow's court date was relatively short. W was very emotional and I think I could have validater better - I just was trying not to be too emotional myself but now I wonder if may have been better to have cried with her and shown her that side of myself......
recap of conversation:
W: First of all I want you to understand that I am not bi-polar, maybe a coward but not crazy....I want you to know I did not at all want things to happen this way and you deserve so much better. Anyway that is all for now but we still have a lot to talk about.
Me: Thanks for that. Not sure where the bi-polar comment is coming from.
W interupted me: there was a tab open on the computer a couple of days ago and that I assumed was from you.
Me: Nope-that wasn't from me. W, we have both grown to be different people (nodded her head in agreement) and I think that the image you have of me may be different than who I am at this point. And the same for you.
W: I'll have to think about what that means....
In hindsight, I was thinking that it would have been good to have validated more that she wasn't a coward and that I appreciated that she didn't intend for it to play out this way.
Would it be too late to go back tomorrow and validate?
Thoughts/comments?
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
getting close to 100 - will start a new thread shortly......
morning routine was fairly normal with discussion about W's MRI, getting kids ready for school, etc....
new kind of hurt that I am experiencing now which drives me crazy - when does it end?? Why does WAS (outwardly at least) get to be happy and carefree seemingly unaware of the destruction they are causing???
W was right in her comment last night, I do deserve better - we all do!
guess the pain begins to fade once and for all once the D is final.
Not feeling very detached or that PMA is in a good spot so far this morning......
How does the LBH maintain hope for a positive R moving forward from this point? Are there strategies for that???
Probably just rambling at this point and need to take a breath!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
