My story of WAH

[seaspin]

What WAH said:
"I have been working hard to save every scrap, skipping meals and holding off on gifts for the kids to make this move work. They were very excited to have their own rooms and a place to settle in. I am not purchasing anything that is not strictly necessary for them; it is frustrating to see you purchasing new gadgets like iPads and Amazon Fires when I am unable to buy them a Christmas gift."

My original drafted response:
"Mr. Seaspin,

Thank you for your patience and your willingness to respectfully discuss the $ for your apartment since it is coming out of savings. The ways in which you saved money is admirable. Having enough room for the kid's to move around is very important! They are definitely excited about the new apartment.

I can see your frustration about the "gadgets". However, the iPad was purchased with money I have saved from my side business. As far as the Amazon Fire, I don't have one. I did buy a Fire TV stick for about $15 since it has better parental controls than the Wii app."

_______
I don't think I need to justify my expenditures, but not sure what else to say without sounding cold. I guess I could say something instead along the lines of what Jim08987 was saying. However, now that I think about it, when I pushed him on the $ he needed for his apartment and asked how he was doing on a monthly basis and if we needed to do some financial adjustments, he said he was ok. It was just the move that put a hardship on him.

On one hand it sounds like he's ok, but then he makes statements like this where he suggests he has nothing.

[Cadet]

Understand that he is running on adrenalin and emotions right now.
It is not sustainable.
So when he gets upset like that it may be momentary or how he feels at that exact time.

I would be careful about the "side business" since half of that money is his. (since you are married).

It is also possible that saying nothing might be better.
Why do you feel a need to respond to him?

[seaspin]

Thanks! Good point Cadet, why do I feel the need to respond? If I'm really honest, I think it's to show him how wrong he could be from making an assumption. He didn't ask for any details, just jumped to a conclusion. (Just like what he did with our marriage) If I think about it, my reasoning for responding sounds silly and pointless. Would it really matter what I say? Probably not.

What I can take away from this is that he is watching me closely. He notices little details, which could be a plus if I am truly changing myself.

[Cadet]

Thanks! Good point Cadet, why do I feel the need to respond? If I'm really honest, I think it's to show him how wrong he could be from making an assumption. He didn't ask for any details, just jumped to a conclusion. (Just like what he did with our marriage) If I think about it, my reasoning for responding sounds silly and pointless. Would it really matter what I say? Probably not.

What I can take away from this is that he is watching me closely. He notices little details, which could be a plus if I am truly changing myself.

BINGO!

[seaspin]

I didn't send the email and just left things as is.

I'm not sure what's up, but H has been on my mind alot. Before the holidays, I thought I did well not thinking about him or wondering what he was doing. I don't know if the mention of moving forward was the catalyst, the holidays, or what... It doesn't help that recently I've had quite a few good dreams of us getting back together. Although, there was one time where that good dream was shattered when he said the words "I don't think I want to be married". Even in a dream, I still felt the coldness from it.

Anyway, my mind keeps wandering to the good times and thinking of all the activities I'd love to do with him.

Last night when he picked up the kids, I was dressed up and looking like I had a party to go to, even if I didn't. I figured I can use the holidays as a great excuse to dress up and it not seem too odd of feel fake. My shirt was a little low cut and I did see H's eyes quickly avert from my shirt to my eyes and focus intently there for a bit. I'm not totally sure of the effect. I tried to look at his pupils, but he wasn't standing close enough and his glasses can hinder what I see. My DB coach mentioned pupil dilation as a sign of interest.

Anyway, I've been reading a book that was suggested on here about body language. His body language seemed to suggest he was closed off. Not sure what to think, just noting it.

The evening was a little weird. Normally, H parks in the driveway and he knocks on the front door (per my suggestion). This night, he came in through the garage door (he knows the garage code still). Just walked right in and said "Hello!". Given, he uses my car in the garage because it fits 3 kids and he was just at the grocery store and had to put the groceries in the van when changing cars. However, he usually still comes through the front door. Also, after dropping off the kids, he walked back out through the garage to his car. Normally, he goes out the front door. I'm not saying it means anything. Just noting something odd.

Prior to picking up the kids, he had just come from the airport arriving home from OW town. I know he had a Christmas party the night before. He looked rather tired.

Overall, I think I did pretty well. Nothing confrontational happened. Although, H did mention needing $ passively in a conversation, but didn't elaborate. Didn't look at me when mentioning it.

[seaspin]

I had some thoughts... If I think of H as hurt and afraid, I actually feel some compassion towards him. He's doing the best he can with the situation.

Recently, he moved into a 2 bedroom apt vs a 1 bedroom. He wanted the kids to be able to move around more easily. He also wants to buy them proper beds, not just an air mattress and couch. I've been feeling reluctant to let him use "joint money" to pay for his new life with the thought that "it's not fair", he should use his own personal $ for his new life.

However, with this sense of compassion I am feeling at the moment toward him, I wonder if my attitude is wrong. Should I instead be affirming how great it is that he was thinking about the children when he upgraded to a larger apartment, how it's great that he wants to provide for their needs by giving them their own room with a real bed (not air mattress), etc? His LL is words of affirmation. I feel the desire to affirm him, yet I wonder if it would be like agreeing that it's ok to leave us. A 180 for me would be affirming, but is it appropriate in this instance?

My fear is being too nice and being taken in, but I don't want to have an unforgiving spirit toward him. It feels like a hard balance.

[seaspin]

Just had a conversation with WAH about kid logistics this week, initiated by him.

Normal visitation schedule - Thursday evening, Friday overnight, all day Sat.

Proposed schedule:
Monday - he would like to take my van to go buy some furniture and transport it. He will take the kids with him.

Tues - He would like them for dinner. I said that I had plans and would like more advanced notice. Then he suggested why not have them spend the night Monday night and he bring them home on Tues as an alternative. Again, this is not a normal thing, so I'm left speechless trying to figure out my schedule. He's throwing me off. He says he's "trying to be flexible". I did say I had to think about it and would get back to him.

Thursday - his usual night with the kids. WAH casually says he can't do this night. I say something like, since it's your normal night, I already had something planned. He starts getting mad at this point and says he needs to leave. His hands are clenched. WAH normally doesn't give up this night, so I wonder why??? Guess it doesn't matter.

When coming up with the parenting plan with our MC, the visitation days were chosen with WAH's work schedule in mind. MC said not to expect us to drop everything if he happens to be free on another day. WAH didn't like that idea, but he agreed since he had no choice - he works out of town most of the week (with OW). He used to have Tuesday night before his "work" started taking him out of town weekly and we had to drop it so that the kids did not expect him on that day (per MC).

So here's my dilemma, I don't want him to think I can just drop everything and change my schedule for him. However, I just realized that last week, I asked him 3 days in advance if he could change his days with the kids since my family was here. Occasionally, I would ask last minute if he could take them for an extra hour. (Not often though) So... I am not practicing what I'm wanting to "preach".

The pattern with WAH is that he'll ask to do dinner on Tuesday night when he's in town. He'll either tell me the day of or the day before. Some days when he's in town, he doesn't ask and has his own plans.

After leaving the house WAH sent a text saying that 5 days notice is not "too short". How much notice do I need? Reluctantly, he said he'll make Thursday night work.

I feel like I have to do things "perfectly" so that he doesn't point fingers at me and say, well you did such and such. I think a compromise would be fair, especially since I asked him to change his schedule last minute... It doesn't make me feel better though. I struggle with setting appropriate boundaries vs just being nice and letting him have the kids when he is available.

I really don't have firm plans like I told him, but could always find something to do.

[seaspin]

I've been thinking more about the conversation about the parenting schedule for this week. The approach WAH used was to list off all the days this week and tell me what he was going to do (see the kids or not see the kids). He didn't ask if it was ok that he couldn't do his usual day. He "told" me he couldn't and then "told" me what days he was going to use to make up for it. Maybe that's what bothers me. He thinks he can come and go as he pleases. Then he says that he's "trying to be flexible" as if that makes it all better and helps me out. Plus, he already told the kids.

It's really odd that he "has something to do". He usually does nothing but sit on his computer when he's in town (so I think). I wonder if OW is coming into town... refocus my thoughts onto my life, not his...

[Cadet]

Maybe its time to GAL.

What are you doing for YOU?

[seaspin]

Cadet, you are right. I'm usually pretty busy doing things with my kids since we homeschool. Most of my GAL activities came to a stop after Thanksgiving for winter break. Then it seemed like we were all sick most of Dec. In anycase, I def need to rethink GAL and do something. I'm focusing way too much on WAH.

Yesterday, we had a playdate. It was great talking with my mom friend while the kids played. I realized that I had forgotten about my situation while they were here. It reminded me of the importance of staying busy.

Ideas for GAL:
- Finish sewing curtains for H's old office that I repainted to make it "my" space.
- Find a class and learn a new skill.
- Exercise
- Find something to do out of the house while WAH has the kids. I'm still looking into this one.
- Do some decluttering & purging around the house.
- I usually meet up with other moms once a week with homeschool.
- Continue serving at church.
- Find time to meditate