Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[Ggrass]

In the first interaction I would have just joked right long with her and said I had plans and left.

But then that's just me. If I can't think of any thing and h started in on me standard operating procedure was......


Glance at watch look shifty glance at watch, the. State I have to be somewhere we can continue this at another time.
Have a plan that you have rehersed so it sounds natural. Not forced or snarly

[edz]

Hi Jim

Was spared the telling s torture as w was already out with him when I called to ask why wed received a postal redirect. I just didn't see him for 4 weeks afterward, which is entirely as bad as it sounds :-(

Insofar as the stfu juice I'm on a healthy couple of gallons of that per day at the moment but I think it is taking, I know weve seen it on TV and movies a thousand times the lbhs makes one last bid, the music swells and there's a happy ever after roll end credits... Possibly a shootout.... Depends on the movie....again too many bond movies in the past two weeks!

The point is its very very very unlikely to work as we know from the first, second etc times we tried. In my case codependency and needyness are not attractive qualities regardless of why I exhibited them in your case, and mine, bad communications keeps coming up. I can't believe either of our w's doesn't know right now they could turn on a dime and stay / work with us on our futures and they don't want to hear it again I may of course be wrong.

I know her leaving is a truly awful thought, you know how I was from my thread but I don't think there's a golden bullet you can use mate. As with all the sitches this is a time time time thing. Its a tough short term ahead no doubt, I didn't have this but I did have to split the flat contents and sort the move alone for the first time in 15 years and it was soul destroying but with it done I could start to put my space and space for s together and focus on that, just wish I had more money to finish the job - probably one of the reasons I'm so down this weekend.

Hang on in there mate.
EdZ

[jim0987]

cheers both.

well the day keeps getting better.

W and kids went out for a bit and when they got back in I was on the phone to my dad. My W made a big point about how she wasnt going to ask - she probably thinks im being more abusive and controlling (her stock opinion of everything I say and do)

'If he's doesnt get his way then he will damn sure make sure you know he's not happy about it' Is a favourite comment she has made about me.

Anyway I'm sorting some domesticy stuff upstairs and mentionded the joint account. said I was going to transfer the direct debits to my account as they were all for this house.

My W said 'except for the lovefilm'. I laughed about this and she got annoyed. I asked why and she said 'This conversation is over'

now the background to this is that the lovefilm account is her account from before we met. In the last 3 years we have been paying £16 a month for it and we have used it maybe 3 times - that makes it about £190 a rental. I have repeatedly asked her to cancel this (I cant its in her name) and she has never done so. I never knew why cancelling it was such a big deal (I asked every 4 months or so, its not like I banged on about it every week)

Anyway she is convinced that everything I say or do is meant to control her, or bully her. Me asking for extra time with the kids was only meant to bully her some more - **** knows what is going on. either she is completely delusional, the most sensitive soul ever or I really am i truly hideous person and am failing to see it.

kind of just ranting now.

I need her out of my house. I love her, I want a happy marriage with her but right now she is off her ****ing rocker, and its drive me nuts.

[edz]

Hi Jim

Sounds like this is all about her control anything else is going to be rallied against. I agree you will be better when you have space.

[jim0987]

she really truly believes that i have controlled and bullied her. I can see why on a number of things but SOOOOOOO much of it has been her putting the most negative interpretation on everything I do. She is filled with such resentment towards me and her sister and PF are great at validating that.

I'm going to my view, her view rant for a moment

I questioned that the joint account was overdrawn - her view is that i dont trust her

I say i'm worried there is too much furniture in the lounge but its fine to get the unit she wants - I stopped her buying things

I wasnt sure i liked the idea of a bright orange wall - I was controlling and being unreasonable

I asked to change christmas arrangements that i didnt think were agreed - I was deliberately bullying her to ruin her good mood

I want a clean break agreement so she cant chase me for money - I must be hiding something

I bought her a couple of dresses as presents that I thought she would like - I was trying to control what she wears

And god knows what it is she thinks i did to isolate her from her friends and family.

She is constantly on edge for a massive backlash from me

Having said all of that a bad old habit of mine has returned today, i do this stupid little laugh to myself things which are the result of a massive load of thinking and thoughts but they must be bloody annoying. I thought i had ditched them but they are back today. Not sure if I should acknowledge they are annoying or just stop and pretend they didnt happen today.

I think its been a big morning over telling the kids, I've not reacted well and I dont believe my wife has either. A few times she has been looking at our wedding pictures which is the first time ive noticed her do that.

I'm not sure if we could do a day in the house with all of us but the moment my wife told the kids this morning it all went to rats.

[edz]

Hi Jim

If its W's day with kids and you need space go and get your phone socket we chatted about and have a look for redecoration. It will get better mate, keep going...

[jim0987]

well instead i've been sat upstairs doing some joyous adminey bits.

One of them is my new budget and how much my wife needs to pay for January.

I looked at the old budget sheets that i did and looking at them i realised just how much pressure they put on my wife to be the frugal one. if you look at it one way they were really really unfair and just heaped pressure on her.

Basically I paid all the household and my personal bills and was left with a bit of disposable cash. under the budget my wife had a big chunk of cash but was expected to pay for everything and make sure we saved some money for the big stuff.

It could seem very controlling even though it was just meant to be a plan that reflected how I thought we like to manage our money

I disagree with a lot of her assessment but the reality is I was/am very controlling and I am watching her every move at the moment (I know i need to stop) that has to be intimidating. The only reaction she ever got was a sulk about how 'I'm doing this all for you' but she of late she is getting more reactions because i'm very stressed by all of this

looking at my actions post BD I havent changed anywhere near as much as i thought i had as I still cling on to this. some of my comments when i've been unhappy would still reflect all this.

what i thought was us making a plan she saw as me exerting control.

I must let go because she is gone. This is a 180 but i dont think she will ever see it like that, she will see it as her standing up to a bully (finally).

[jim0987]

I'm just going to add that i think i understand the NMMNG dynamic that was going on better now. You guys probably already know this but as you also know by now it helps me to set it out here.

I was doing this kind of overall big plan controlling and at the same time patting myself on the back for being a good provider and good dad, feeling like i was doing plenty making all the sacrifice because after all she worked less, and had all the more flexible cash without ever taking into account all the extra pressure childcare runs, the variable budgets and stuff put on her. After all I was doing the big stuff for her.

at the same time i sulked when things werent going my way and argued too strongly about things i didnt really care about just because i always have to have an opinion. And at the same time as all of this i was getting frustrated, sarcastic and resentful towards her because she just didnt seem happy or like she wanted to engage in our life (or have sex). And because of my insecurities I at times acted really jealously which meant she was worried to go out despite what i said.

when she tried to speak I shot her down or sulked and so she just stayed scared of me, afraid to speak out even when i did get over my conflict avoidance enough to ask.

All of that ^^^^^ gives her the prism through which she views my every action especially when its being reinforced by her PF and Sister (who has advocated criminal proceedings against me for emotional abuse by the way). And to be honest some of what i have said today to her probably reinforces this.

She seems to think that i'm out to hurt and control her - even when actually i'm being more than reasonable on all this. in fact she see me being reasonable as setting her up for something.

When i look round these boards I see LBWs describe their WAHs in the same way at the point they decide they dont want to stand any longer, so i'm guessing i'm asking is there anyway that kind of damage can be undone? Or do i simply move on with my life and keep the door open to hope?

[Mozza]

jim0987: I finally understand what's going on in your sitch! I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. I think your W has found an OM. Sorry to break it to you, but I thought you should know.

So there: she will be unpleasant to you, blame you for everything, keep you at a distance, dislike everything you do right, will be controlling and critical, will only listen to friends and family validating her, etc. Don't mind it!

My point is: your WAW is textbook. We could all predict her behavior here. Yet, you keep being affected by it, as if it were sincere. Believe none of what you hear, half of what you see.

I simply don't understand why you keep reporting these interactions here, even less why you think so much about them as if they revealed some awful truth. She's been on the same tape for weeks and months. She dislikes you, thinks you're controlling an unpleasant, she wants out, her friend and sister agree.

What you need to do is to ignore these predictable rants. Hear them for what they are: tapes. Then focus on doing the right thing and stop expecting immediate results. The tape won't change for months. You don't know if you have a chance. Just apply the method consistently and see what happens.

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BTW, I'll repeat here what my IC told me about my sitch: He thinks I'm so sad my W is gone because I lack confidence around women and being single confronts me to my fear of rejection with them because I'll have to find a new one (just writing this feels embarrassing because I confess to my need). Your lack of confidence, your pleasure in bringing yourself down, in repeatedly describing your faults at length make me think that maybe it applies to you as well.

You've described only the awful side of your W that it's hard for me to know why you want her back, but that's your choice. Much like a few other people her (KGirl, LisaB especially), I think you should think of who else is out there and whether you can do better. But you have a lot of work to do on yourself first. Look at Calibri for an example of a healthy look at herself, where she's willing to see her flaws without falling in the trap of self-pity.

We're on your side!

[Vanilla]

Mza, I sense Jim is hanging on to his guilt and that is holding back his personal development a little. I believe it is not lack of insight but a will to let go of guilt.

Guilt is like a comfort blanket, we hold it tight as it gives reason and release to our anxieties. It is a rationalisation for how things are. In the same way I felt guilty about the screaming banshee within me. I felt ashamed and blamed myself, my reactions were poor, I let go of guilt because of an early post of Sandi on my sitch. I was lucky and ready. Seeking answers.

A post can release our thoughts and burdens, but if we need to keep analysing, turning it over and over then we must. There will be an ahah day and suddenly it will fall into place. We will reach a new level of understanding and be unstuck on that point. This is the same for all of us, we get stuck at a juncture and then ahah moments, we move on. We do this for each other and then a great post by a vet. Maybe by writing to another on their sitch releases for us too.

So it is.
Vanilla