Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[Hope414]

We were supposed to go to the mediator this past Tues which I had forgotten about until she reminded me on Mon. I told her to reschedule it please because I had to work. I believe she just canceled it and blew it off or she went without me (I seriously doubt it) as not another word was mentioned.

Good for you for taking control of the situation. Your wife is free to make her choices but she can't control any of your actions. However, don't assume what your wife did. She may have gone to mediation without you.

I'm impressed how you handled the phone call. Very empathetic. You recognized she was disclosing intimate information--unhappiness with her life--and by doing this, she was handing over trust. You could have lashed out when she gave you this information (i.e. "You made your bed...now lie in it.")

But you didn't.

I think your response was very appropriate. You let her know it is okay to talk to you about her feelings.

I think sending the video greeting card was a very loving extra step. Again it validated her decision to trust you as a confident.

[Jefe]

Lol, don't think the thought didn't cross my mind. "Oh, you're unhappy? Imagine that." Nah, that was just a brief second. The thoughts were more like, "You're unhappy? I have a solution, you know..."

Bottom line is, I can't do this for her. This has got to be her process.

I have become more intentional in prayer and have even been praying for the other people she is/was involved with (and NO, I haven't been praying that they get run over by a freight train, either.) God is good and He's got this.

Just happy for the little bit of peace I have in my life, even if it's only for a short moment.

[Hope414]

I think you are doing really great.

Based on your most recent interaction I'd liked to suggest a technique:

Try to remember all the fights you didn't have because of words that were never spoken. Use the conversation above as a starting point.

Notice how refusing to take a conversation down a negative path helped the conversation melt into your lives instead of take over your lives. Chances are you remember negative conversations more than positive conversations because positive conversations are forgettable.

Since your wife is having a positive response, I think your marriage would greatly benefit if you continued a conscious effort toward making positive conversations a memorable event between you and your wife. A great example of making positive conversations a memorable event is what you just did when you sent the video card as a follow up.

Negative conversations lead to arguments and rob you both of any strides you may have made. Arguments continue in our mind long after the actual conversation has ended. This is how a negative conversation continues.

You can use this same technique with a positive conversations by continuing the "niceness" long after the actual conversation has ended.

Again, you're doing great Jefe.

[Jefe]

I think I see the bigger picture here.

So if she wants to go negative or tries to engage me in a fight, I quickly exit the conversation without reacting or participating and refuse to bring it up or discuss it (as to not reinforce it). Then she will be unable to tie any negative interaction with me or the marriage in her memory banks because I did not take part, but the positive interactions get "rewarded", for lack of a better term, anchoring positive memories. For both of us. That makes this a win/win. The more positive interactions that build up, the less ammunition is in reserve for future fights. This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of positive and happy. Geeze, it seems so simple and obvious when I type it out in print.


I think Peter or Devaste mentioned a similar technique or rewarding positive communication they had used in the past.

Feeling dumb, but enlightened.

[Hope414]

Absolutely. You are seeing the bigger picture. It is remarkable how simple things are in print and how difficult they become when put in practice.

There have been studies regarding short and long term memory functions. One theory is that memories are vulnerable to manipulation each time they are recalled. In other words, you can alter a person’s memory by interjecting a bias.

Injecting a bias is very simple. You can inject a bias by changing your tone or choice of words. Instead of raising your voice, you soften your voice. Instead of sitting across the room when having the discussion, you walk over and hold her hand. The key to injecting a bias is to make sure your story is being told with more than words.

How many times have you heard, “It’s not what you said but how you said it?” This is why email and text messages are often discouraged as a primary communication tool when a couple is in conflict.

It makes the Interceptor 100% responsible to interpret body language, inflection, and volume with zero information. The Interceptor will base their understanding of an email or text not by the Transmitter’s intention but by the emotional state of the Interceptor at the moment they read the email or text.

One theory in marriage counseling is to go back to the courtship stage and present yourself in the most positive light possible. This might be an option for you and your wife.

Many relationships have problems because people develop negative assumptions about each other. It’s difficult to have empathy toward someone when you have negative assumptions toward them. However, it’s very easy to have empathy toward someone you like.

This is why you want to steer clear of any discussion that would create a negative assumption.

Keep in mind that you have the rest of your life to work out issues once the relationship has been restored.

[Jefe]

"This is why you want to steer clear of any discussion that would create a negative assumption.

Keep in mind that you have the rest of your life to work out issues once the relationship has been restored."

This requires more grace than I feel like I possess sometimes but it's getting easier.

God revealed to me very clearly yesterday morning, He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me, I can have "amends" about all of the hurts I have against my wife and how I feel wronged or He can bring her home, but I cannot have both. At least not right now. I also have some understanding and clarity that she is exceptionally wounded and not just by my hand. So I'm taking that into account too.

She's made steps towards resolution that I never thought she'd make. Things I thought would start a war if I asked her to do them, she's done on her own.

It's simply amazing.

I feel like I can almost reach out and touch it some days. Then others, like today, it feels like it's a million miles away. I am real clear that if I force it, chase it, manipulate it, pursue it, or otherwise just try and grab it that it sets the clock back. I have no choice other than to just love her, mirror her, and project as much positive and kind gestures her direction as possible when we interact. Plus I must have myself built on a solid foundation so she has something to lean against.

"Notice how refusing to take a conversation down a negative path helped the conversation melt into your lives instead of take over your lives. Chances are you remember negative conversations more than positive conversations because positive conversations are forgettable."

I was thinking about this just now and I remembered that during the conversation Fri, we fell into a topic that has a comfortable and predictable pattern that usually ends up negative but instead, I just stopped mid stream and said, "Yes, dear. It's no problem." She even commented that, that made her happy.

I choose my marriage over being right. It may just be the one concept that ends up saving my sorry behind.

Thank you Hope.

[Hope414]

God revealed to me very clearly yesterday morning, He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me, I can have "amends" about all of the hurts I have against my wife and how I feel wronged or He can bring her home, but I cannot have both.

I think this is a remarkable revelation. And I think you possess more grace than you are aware of.

[SunnyB]

I choose my marriage over being right.

Jefe, I think this is huge. Sounds like you are doing well these days. Glad to see that.

[seaspin]

God revealed to me very clearly yesterday morning, He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me, I can have "amends" about all of the hurts I have against my wife and how I feel wronged or He can bring her home, but I cannot have both.

Thanks for sharing! I can imagine that it would be hard to set aside your hurts. I know it would be for me. But, knowing that God's plan is better, it will be worth it!

[Jefe]

God revealed to me very clearly yesterday morning, He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me, I can have "amends" about all of the hurts I have against my wife and how I feel wronged or He can bring her home, but I cannot have both.

Thanks for sharing! I can imagine that it would be hard to set aside your hurts. I know it would be for me. But, knowing that God's plan is better, it will be worth it!

I'm not thrilled with the idea of it, but wish I could express how clear the message was at 4:30 that morning. To quote a line from the move The Family Man, "I choose us."