To Pursue or Not

[Arcola]

I'm guessing she meant horny and not so much that she misses me. She didn't mention wanting to move back in or live together.

When we first met there was romancing. There was also the compliments and me genuinely wanting to spend time with her. That probably went on for 1 to 3 years. Then my gambling/poker addiction (not a financial burden), life, and children seemed to change things. Slowly but surely less romancing, but still ML. ML seemed to be our cover up/fix issues we didn't resolve between us.

[MrBond]

"I'm guessing she meant horny"

You mean YOU meant horny. You do understand that if you want to be a woman, that sex isn't the most important part of sex, right?

"and not so much that she misses me. She didn't mention wanting to move back in or live together."

Of course not. Especially if you haven't put in any effort to attract her emotionally.

"Then my gambling/poker addiction (not a financial burden), life, and children seemed to change things. Slowly but surely less romancing, but still ML. ML seemed to be our cover up/fix issues we didn't resolve between us."

Women need the romancing. That was YOUR fault here. If you just go right in and expect sex, that's exactly what it is SEX. It's no longer making love because that would mean there was love involved.

[Arcola]

"You do understand that if you want to be a woman, that sex isn't the most important part of sex, right?"

That I need to learn Mr. Bond. Several others have said that also in others threads.

The chief complaint during sitch has been I lacked showing her affection. So, do I detach and refrain from a goodbye hug, quick shoulder rubs, quick arm rubs (she doesn't say don't do it, but it seems to me she doesn't want it)? And do I continue to work on myself, GAL, in hopes of re-attracting W?

[DaddyLongShanks]

"You do understand that if you want to be a woman, that sex isn't the most important part of sex, right?"

That I need to learn Mr. Bond. Several others have said that also in others threads.

The chief complaint during sitch has been I lacked showing her affection. So, do I detach and refrain from a goodbye hug, quick shoulder rubs, quick arm rubs (she doesn't say don't do it, but it seems to me she doesn't want it)? And do I continue to work on myself, GAL, in hopes of re-attracting W?

Get a lot of confidence in yourself OUTSIDE of the W. Do things that you are passionate about and take care of yourself. Your dress, your body, spoil yourself some. Even talk to and be close to the opposite sex.

[MrBond]

Right now it's too little too late with the affection.

It seems like since you didn't give her intimacy in sex, it was just about you getting off which is pretty selfish from her POV. Right now work on the trust between the two of you and re-establish the friendship that you had before when you were dating. Don't go overboard with being overly friendly.

[Arcola]

Hey MrBond and DaddyLongShanks thanks for the replies. Ive pretty much been trying to carry on this way.

I go to lunch today and while I'm standing in line waiting on my sandwich to be made my W walks in with another guy. She didn't even notice I was there until she looked up. We were right beside each other. This guy isn’t original OM, but may very well be turning into an OM. I heard of him from a friend that works at same place as wife and also caught some dialogue on him when I had full snoop access to W's text messages. So W introduces me to this guy and I make small talk because I learn he's the little brother of a guy W and I know. I also talk to W about food items I had in a bag because D9 was wanting something specific for breakfast this morning.

After the small talk, I stop talking to them and turn to face the sandwich maker as my sandwich is almost up. So for about 3 - 5 minutes Im not talking to either of them or looking their direction and I guess they were having some convo being that they did come there together. Once my sandwich is finally done I get it and walk around to where W is in line and say see you later, take it easy and look her dead in the eyes. I know my appearance wasn’t happy go lucky, it was more agitated. She says okay, bye see you later (Im not exactly sure what she said, but she said bye one way or the other)

When I go out to my car Im looking for W's car to see if they came in hers. They didn't. I doubt it would have made any difference on how I feel even if I saw her car.

Lastly, W sends me an email when she gets back to work. Nothing about our encounter at the sandwich place. She's just asking about this evening and picking up the kids, her second job, and what house we decided for soon to be one year S birthday.

On the birthday note, I wonder why she even asks me. I could have had a say in the theme of S birthday, but she usually takes the lead on that stuff and she is the social butterfly of us. Just venting...

So did I handle the encounter in the sandwich shop okay? Should I have done something different.

[Arcola]

Today W and I had some email exchange that eventually led to emails in regards to sitch. Through these exchanges I called her out on her kiss with OM and planning her future life with OM. She didn't speak any on the kiss, but felt she wasn't planning her future with OM. She did in one email say that she realizes we both contributed to get us where we are now. She admitted she doesn't talk to OM much anymore (the husband of the couple we're friends with has confirmed this; he works at the same place as W) and resents him for bringing to the light the emotional void she needed filled. She also says she never expected her life to be this way (living in not so good area, smaller house, having to work 2 jobs, separated) and that she didn’t want OM but the idea that someone could actually want to be with her. Lastly, she says she made the choices that put her here.

In reply to her email about somebody wanting her, I said, "I feel we are on separate pages during this separation. I hope that you recall the times I've, to me, put myself out there or my feelings and how I
feel about our living situation. I will say though, I want to be with you and I always have." Her reply below (NOTE: the first paragraph is about an issue I felt we've always had that came up today)

" I see that, I'm very easily frustrated, especially with you, even when you are trying to help. When I've talked to people about it, it seems to be the common response is because there are so many other things that I'm frustrated with when it comes to you that maybe it comes out at those times. I can see how that is possible.

We are on separate pages, I agree. You have told me on a few occasions that you want to get back together and I still have no feelings toward that. I am still on the same page that I left off on the last time that we went to counseling or talked about me moving out. I don't think at any point in time I said I'm moving out but let's really work on fixing this. It had been so many years of me missing something from you and now you are so eager to fix things and think that I am wrong for not giving it another try. You think I have given up and that it's not fair that I'm not giving you the opportunity to prove yourself and that you can change but I have given you chances, years of chances and now I'm tired of giving you chances. I get irritated when you try and invite me over for sex, I get irritated when you try and show me affection because it is so forced. For years I couldn't kiss you, hold your hand or even lay with you without you cringing, making a face or tensing up. Years of that have worn on me and I don't even want you to try anymore."

In my reply to her I said, " We've both admitted we're on different pages. I'm not saying this in hopes it convinces you. But my affection and advances aren't forced. I can't pinpoint what caused my actions in the past. I find you very attractive and aside from me being sensitive to touch except when we have sex I don't know why I cringed, didn't say and do things to let you know you were beautiful and I cared for you. I think it was just me. Something hadn't clicked or I hadn't matured to know what I know now."

What should my actions be based on her responses today?

[Starsky309]

Stop doing this:

I will say though, I want to be with you and I always have."

Can't you see that this only pushes her further away? She knows you're willing to endure ANYTHING to get her back. It's UNATTRACTIVE, and it gives her zero urgency to get off of this fleeing path she's on.


Starsky

[twinmom]

Why are you inviting her over for sex? She is sleeping with another man.

[Arcola]

Starsky - You're right. I've read in DB and DR its wrong, but at my lows and we encounter each other, I sometimes feel it'll do the trick. I really have to change that like you said. She just renewed her lease for 6 months so I hope something gives between now and then.

Twinmom - I invite her over because its been months! I do wonder if she has slept with someone. I know I'd be hurt if I found out she did. She's in such denial she couldn't even say yes I kissed OM.