Still doing LRT....

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

You got some really good help from our friends here. It also helped me since I am in an exactly place as you are.

Wonka said that my H is out flat in MLC. I really think so too, all the obvious signs are there and some not so obvious are there too.

But the reality is that it does not change what I need to do with my life. All my decisions need to be regarding the life I want for myself. It's been very hard to glue myself together and move forward, I am trying my best just because I came back to this site and get so much good advice that makes me feel a lot better.

We are confused, hurt, anxious, feeling up and down all the time. But at the bottom line, at the end of the day we have ourselves and we need to do what's right for us to survive this big crises, change.

We may be in the long run here. The believe in the promises we made long ago, the strong values we have regarding M, the commitment to another person for good or worse. It's painful but as long as we decide it is what we want then we should be OK with that decision.

Detachment has been the hardest thing I have been trying to do. Never tough it would be so hard to detach since I am this kind of person of not staying to long on some issue. I guess I found out what really love is about. It's just too deep and too important for me.

Toots, I guess the best thing is to follow some folks that did succeed in their campaign. I have been reading Labug for now and at the beginning of her sitch, I noticed she was just like us, good and bad days, days of hope and days of solitude, missing her H with no answer of the outcome.

Maybe we just need to get some guidance from experience, at the end we will be OK. For now, the wound is very fresh and every little bit of salt hurts like lots.

We love you Toots, be well. We are all with you on this.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Well, I took the plunge this morning and booked free consultations with two local solicitors. Friends have advised me to see as many as possible, but TBH I don't even feel like doing this, so I'll choose between the two, as long as one seems good. Both firms come recommended.

I figure I should get myself to a point where I'm ready to respond if H wants to file (tho I don't think he has grounds right now) and I understand how it would all work. I also want to know if there are any 'protective measures' I should consider taking.

It felt hard to take this step, but I hope it will give me some confidence and control in the event the worst happens. The appts are this Thursday and next Monday, so I now need to think about questions to ask....

[edz]

Hi Toots

Ive taken some free advice and I think thats sensible, yes definitely look to protective measures especially if you share assets such as houses etc.

As to grounds depends where you are in the UK, it varies between Wales, Scotland, N Ireland and England due to government refusing to allow fault free in England back in (I think early 2000s).

England has no fault free divorce option unless the couple has been apart for 2 years, so called quickie divorces in england almost always pick one of the partners to admit cause.

Ask the L to explain depending on where you are and you take care.

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. I took some free advice and as the time comes I still have some questions.

Like now, H wants to take his 401k to pay off bills, cars, etc. and I don't know if that would be a good choice for me at all.
At the end, it may hurt me more then help. I have 50% of his 401K, if we pay off all what we own, I will have none of that and a lot of our debt is his, for the family and not mine alone.

He wants to sell the house, but I told him I want to keep it. H then will probably want some deal as I need to buy his part from him. It is all math, but it could easily play against him in court since he makes a lot more money then I do.

This whole deal about the finances is painful. It's something we don't want to deal with, but it's necessary and the more info you have the better you will be.

Hope you get some good help there. And hopefully you won't need to get to this point to need all this. But who knows, better prepared then surprised. You are doing the right thing here, good luck to you.

Hugs,
Pink

[Sotto]

Just journaling. Did some volunteering this morning, then some work from home and my last IC appt. Been seeing the IC since early Sept, when I was still pretty hysterical and desperately seeking the magic bullet that would fix our R.

She was really positive about how far I have come and talked about core strength and groundedness. I mentioned this site and she was interested - plans to have a little look. We talked about some of the Xmas 'reaching out' from H - gift, card, NYE text etc. I haven't heard from him since NYE, so may just have been an Xmas 'blip' who knows. I guess time will tell.

The good thing is that I don't get consumed thinking about it like I would have done before. I wouldn't describe myself as 'detached' but I move on from thinking about things after a couple of days, which is less time than before...progress anyway.

Mozza's posting about the balance of 'keeping faith in a positive outcome, whilst engaging with brutal reality' resonated with me. It just reinforces what we already know. You just have to go through it....

So, things aren't too bad at the moment. I feel pretty calm and centred for now..

[Sotto]

Feeling a bit fragile this morning. Ever since I booked these two appts with Ls, I haven't slept too well. My brain knows it needs to be done, but my heart is pulling backwards. I know I need to take this step, but it just makes it all feel more real.

I don't think I have my head in the sand, but when you DB and detach, and don't have much contact with H, it's easier to be in a happyish, calmish place more of the time. But going to see a L brings me face on to things again - as Mozza has said, dealing with brutal reality.

I want to be businesslike, but I'm worried I may just sit and cry in the Ls office, and that would just be embarrassing. I started writing a list of things to ask, but I'm in a funny situation:

I don't want to file for D right now, but I want to be clear on what to do if I do file.
I want to confirm grounds for filing, and that I have them, but H doesn't
I want to know what financial options I have if we remain separated for a while - ie: I don't file for D, but 'stand' for a long time.
Should I consider taking any protective measures right now?...wills, pensions etc..
What kind of 'settlement' might look fair in our circs
How would costs and billing work

I'm hoping I'll just feel reassured and more in control. If nothing else, it would be good to have a solicitor chosen for if and when I do need them. Gather yourself Toots!

[jim0987]

I keep forgetting to check the boards that aren't newcomers til I remember that yours is over here.

I can understand your worried by the solicitor but its really a sensible thing. You've just got to manage his you use them. Plus the 'I will need to talk to my solicitor' is an incredibly useful card if your WAS is pushing you too hard.

I've had good advice from mine about the fault divorce options and what it all actually means. Once you've spoken to them you'll feel on more solid ground.

Before you go work out all your questions and read up what you can. The gov.UK site has the key basics.

Also I'd suggest looking up a bunch of Theodon's posts to get the right frame of mind.

Speaking to a solicitor is more about peace of mind than anything else.

Hope you have a good day.

[Sotto]

Thanks Jim. I had a useful consultation with the solicitor. It seems there are 3 options at this stage really.

Option 1 - do nothing for now. Solicitor did say that 6 months is relatively early days given the uncertainty and fallout following infidelity.

Option 2 - pursue a deed of separation via mediation. This would sort out our finances and any other 'practical' arrangements without divorcing. Divorcing would be 'simpler' if & when it happened. But this is a more expensive legal process given the 2 steps - deed, then potentially divorce. He said in his experience, people who go down the deed route end up wanting to finalise things with divorce very soon after anyway.

Option 3 - file for divorce and do everything in one go.

Of course separate to these options, he said we may want to reach informal agreement on any aspects too. But he did have some concerns given the scale of our assets and H's current stance on finances.

It was reassuring to know that there would be someone working with you who really knows what's what. The thing that concerned me was the level of contact that H and I would need to have with any of the formal options. Mediation meetings would be face to face etc. I don't know if I'm ready for all of that yet.

Lots to think about for now anyway....next appt is on Monday.

[edz]

Hi Toots,

happy you found it useful and reassuring. Sounds pretty much what I was told except I had her explain all the various grounds which, as Jim said, are pretty much what you find on the website anyway.

She confirmed in England no fault free so has to be one of those if under 2 years apart. No true grounds really.

Similar advice to me on option 2 as well, I was thinking this was a sensible option and protected us both if this separation is long term but we dont divorce but, ultimately, its so open to challenges and changes and mediation that it can cause conflict and push to divorce anyway.

I didnt raise it with w in the end and we sorted support for s (within 5% of CMS calculations anyway maybe a little less - not sure unless I count the days s sleeps over) financials are still too tangled but if I push to detangle them w despite saying she doesnt want maintenance for her, repeatedly in writing, would I think end up pushing for it (I know her mother has pushed her repeatedly to do so more to damage my position but thats my MIL for you)

Anyway, well done toots its not fun but its strangely reassuring to know more about everything.

Here if you want to chat

[Sotto]

Interestingly he suggested I may not want to file on grounds of adultery and use unreasonable behaviour instead, citing adultery within that....I'm not quite sure why that was. Something else to think about at some point!