Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Sorry it's not getting any better. Do you think you could let go ? As others have said the fear of rejection is a huge one for a lot of people. I would be in that camp myself. I am very confident on the outside but fear rejection. In my own case I am unable to let go of W for lots of reasons. It know I must

Reading your posts it's very sad and your W could be with someone else or not. To you it's irrelevant , she's gone Day by day it will get easier and you will be happy again. It's impossible to picture now but you will. As vanilla says it's hard not to analyse everything they say Try to accept what she says with neutrality , don't let her mood effect yours

It's a tough road but we all have to travel it

Take care. Rd

[jim0987]

Hi All,

Thanks. Mozza I do take your point and its well made. Vanilla letting go is always a big challenge with me until i can analyse, rationalise and park logically. until then i keep spinning - which is a problem with big emotional stuff.

More stuff tonight but reflecting on Mozza's point I will try to keep this brief.

we had a conversation on logistics and finances and the like this evening which included childcare. She refused to budge and started saying how unreasonable i was being, she kept making me feel bad so i called her an emotionally manipulative bully - it kind of escalated a bit until i walked away.

the whole conversation was very tense included sneers (lots from her) on both sides and was generally pretty unpleasant. the fact we dont trust each other came up loads though she made a big point about how fair and reasonable she is being. She was offended that i might not trust her.

I made way too many counterpoints to say how reasonable i was being.

typical stuff from all over our relationship history came out, including her overall view that I was just attritional in discussions until she couldnt take it any more. her stance is that all of this is that she is just standing up for herself for the first time.

at one point she said something like 'if you try and delay the move over this....' to which i reacted with a 'why would i delay, I want you F****** gone so i can move on with my life'

it calmed down went round in circles and i kind of proved her point about me not letting things go until i get my way.

she did say that she has noticed me trying to improve myself but what she sees she doesnt recognise as me and that she doesnt want to see it. (she started to cry at this point). she said some stuff i didnt really understand.

Its better for everyone that she moves and so we can all move on.

Things just arent getting any better and i'm not doing myself any favours on a lot of this. Sorry guys

Once she has moved, it will get better i'm sure it will just take time.

[Vanilla]

Hmmm

Looks like Jim has a screaming banshee too!

Learn from Vs big mistake, it does not help at all. Anger can be good and frankly I am glad to see you have found your voice.

Jim most of this is spew by W, nonsense rubbish as valid as my Hs 'wrong bacon' . Don't rationalise or respond to spew. Validate valid comments, STFU on the rest. Demonstrate change by STFU and then be firm on the boundaries that matter and let the rest go. You will feel much better.

Vanilla

[edz]

Hi Jim

Yup you're right things will be better when you have space, they wont be perfect you'll have meh and downright cr@ppy ones like I do no doubt but..better.

V raises good points, ironically given my appearance and the fact that w hated my relationship (or lack of one) with s, I'm really, really bad at handling conflict in general and I back away from it until I cant anymore, its good to see you're not letting that continue to happen to you here but take care to not put yourself somewhere you'll be hurt by or get into an overanalysing loop afterward.

[jim0987]

There are a couple of things she said in all of it that jumped out at me but i'm trying not to get into one of my overanalysing loops about it, or get any hope up. particularly the stuff about my changes and she MAY have said she is still in love with me (a bit of a confused statement that was quickly 'clarified')

As final as her moving feels, and as worried as i am by the lack of opportunity to show her a good me I realise that the only way she will have any chance to heal is when the tension of agreeing the seperation is removed and she no longer feels I can hurt her (I wouldnt but its what she fears). That will only happen when she has moved out. I just want to park this as it was all quite emotional and a lot of 'stuff' was said.

I also know that a lot of my issues with the move are about my fears of being alone, of the rejection being complete and that much as though I want her to be happy I fear that her being happy without me just proves that i was all the things she says about me. I also fear becoming more like my parents who are still so bitter about their divorce 20 years later - my mum has been on her own ever since (her disabilities got a lot worse).

I do second guess my self on the conflict avoidance thing because I never start it but if i get into one i usually have to 'win' and as my wife says thats hard going. So for me its difficult to know how much of my negative reactions to some of these discussions is due to wife's spew or my lack of control.

Anyways i'm making some good changes in me and am so much more aware of all of this than before BD. If nothing else these are good things to come out of this hideousness



Right now the way I look at it is that i'm currently Jim Mk 7 and looking to take delivery of an upgraded Jim Mk 8 sometime in the next few weeks.

[Ggrass]

Note the anger in your head, then put a sticky note on the place.

Then treat it like large pores, buying wrong bacon or Hemerriod suppositories. Ludacris.
Not worthy of your valuable time, think women to see other people to meet.

Think James bond meeting m! Would he argue and care! Nup?
Don't chose to chase road runner and be a coyote, you will foverver be the looser and she will dump the tnt on your head constantly.

[gan]

Hey Jim. Wow - you are an Mk 7 going on 8?! I'm just aiming for 2.0 ;-)

Just a short note to let you know I have still been reading along. Haven't had much to offer lately given your talks of D. I was going to post my Headspace passage over here...but then figured so many people run into the same issues reacting to things and going down those damn cheese less tunnels, that I'd end up posting it everywhere! Anyway, glad you saw it.

FWIW I work in a highly analytical field and so I'm with you on the tendency to analyse everything. I do think meditation and yoga have helped me get out of my head and into the present, which has been a much needed relief. And I do relate to the passage - I'm starting to see the tunnels before I get to them, just still trying to figure out what to do with that knowledge.

[jim0987]

Thanks ganb8te. I know what my cheeseless tunnels are i just seem to keep going down them regardless and then kind of going 'oh, i'm here again.....Drat.....' Occassionally i can step around.

Mk7 is after counting all the major phases of my life to date. I only took delivery of Mk7 in september. Its a lot less comfortable than Mk6 but it does a lot of things so much better and has a couple of swanky new features. Quite high maintenance though

Mk 8, looks good as it takes the new features and irons out a lot of the bugs.

[edz]

Working on mk3 here but its hard to get the parts you know. And GG has me going rusty in and out of this shower.

Seriously mate if you take one thing from the nightmare I had last august its this, stop looking for "endings" they will drive you seriously mad. I did it endlessly, w wont come to lunch thats an ending, coming up on birthdays if she doesnt come back its an ending, if she moves to a flat herself.. seriously, even if she has sky fitted its a 12 month contract so must be the end.. wonder i have any sanity left (you lot, dont answer that!)

Its the ending when neither of you wants to keep trying not before. In the meantime get your own space, let w have the space she so clearly needs to figure out what she's doing right or wrong, good or bad for your marriage and end or not. You cannot stop her, you dont have to like it but you can choose what mk8 will do next.

From here its looking like mk8 will be the most efficient version with some processing loops removed

You're not the only one who avoids conflict mate, I made a large part of my life about it but always seems it just means you end up running into more trouble, we can both get better at that

[jim0987]

I'm not so much looking for endings as 'feeling' it. But yes its driving me mad.

If Mk8 can have some of the processing loops converted to paths that actually lead somewhere then that would be good.

Feeling very philosophical about hope this afternoon and the role it plays in all of this process though for once i'm going to resist the lengthy ramblings.

I will say that I do think for a lot of my stuff i'm on the right path, that the changes im trying to make are the right ones and that gives me hope for the next version(s) of me will be better and can handle it.