Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for the comments. I realize I am in hyper overdrive right.

Glad I am at work and not at home while I try to get that under control......

The problem is that right now I am not even sure what information I need, or if I even need anything directly from W.

Called the courts and they explained that nothing needs to be prepared for the first hearing. It is just informational and helps to explain the process..... I also spoke with a L for the second time about 3-4 weeks ago (1st time was almost 2 years ago).

Just very frustrated about how she is handling it. If this is the best solution - looking at it thru any lens (spiritually, emotionally, for the kids, practically, etc...) - then why not own the decision, be upfront and communicate?

In other words, act like an adult and deal with the conflict and uncomfortableness you are creating. I realize while I am typing it that statement sounds judgmental - so at some level I am expecting 2x4s. Please be gentle!

I also know that what I described has not historically been our dynamic - and I generally have fallen into the trap of being the one who dealt with the conflicts. I just don't think I want to do it for this particular situation.......

Meanwhile in bizzaro world, she is still looking to buy a new car - asking for my opinion and checking in about thoughts and decisions she has around it. WTF?????

A large part of me wants to just leave and start over again somewhere new without all of this...... but that sounds very cowardly when I type it out and is not at all the kind of person I am / want to be......

Thanks again for checking in. Any and all comments welcome.

Just don't

[labug]

Is this how you handled things with her before, guilty until proven innocent?

How has she created your uncomfortableness? It seems like your mind is doing a pretty good job of that.

"and I generally have fallen into the trap of being the one who dealt with the conflicts. I just don't think I want to do it for this particular situation......"

Why? This has to do with the rest of your life. It's easy to stand on the sidelines and watch things happen and then when it doesn't go as we would have liked, say "Well, I could see that coming. I would have done it much differently and things would be better now." Keeps us innocent and smelling like a rose. Also keeps our ego intact. Been there, done that.

What kinds of traps have you fallen into? Explain that more because it seems a bit different from what I remember you saying in the past.

I'm not sure your second sentence is 100% true. I think you're trying to control an outcome. See smelling like a rose above.

What say you?

[SemperFi00]

Thansk for the comments labug - really appreciate your continued interest....

Is this how you handled things with her before, guilty until proven innocent?

not sure what you mean here?? I think that I am trying very hard not to accuse her of anything. Trying to remain as abjective as possible.

How has she created your uncomfortableness? It seems like your mind is doing a pretty good job of that.

Yes, clearly on Fri my mind was doing a masterful job in this area. I felt better later in the evening and thru the weekend until later this afternoon. As the day has gone on today, I can feel the aniexty building. So far, have been able to handle it ok and am maintaining PMA/GAL, Trying to figure out the right words to ask her about the upcoming court appearance on Wed but so far nothing.......

"and I generally have fallen into the trap of being the one who dealt with the conflicts. I just don't think I want to do it for this particular situation......"

Why? This has to do with the rest of your life. It's easy to stand on the sidelines and watch things happen and then when it doesn't go as we would have liked, say "Well, I could see that coming. I would have done it much differently and things would be better now." Keeps us innocent and smelling like a rose. Also keeps our ego intact. Been there, done that.

Agree, I am more than willing to own my part and improve things that I have control over. What I am not interested is doing is leading us through a D process that I am don't want. My point is that she initiated the process with a L, has the paperwork and even though I have asked has not shared it with me. Beginning to seem like a familiar pattern, leaving me to work through the details and finish the process. thus my comment, about her owning what she started.

Maybe my feeling in this area is partially influenced by past examples though.

What kinds of traps have you fallen into? Explain that more because it seems a bit different from what I remember you saying in the past.

What I meant with this statement was that I was typically the one who dealt with any conflicts - not between us but with others. In other words any of the tough decisions/conversations were primarily mine.

I think that's a dangerous trap for 1 member of a R to fall into and may have helped contribute to some level of a parent/child R versus 2 adults on equal footing.

Does that help clarify? Can you share a little more about what were you remembering differently?

I'm not sure your second sentence is 100% true. I think you're trying to control an outcome. See smelling like a rose above

Which 2nd sentence - can you add some clarity on this comment?

[SemperFi00]

Journaling a bit from weekend events ......

- Mass Sun morning, normal weekly event - W attended and seemed to be participating
- S16 had a friend at house for most of the weekend, took him home yesterday and stopped at mall on way with the two of them and just wandered around checking things out. First BWW experience, couple of apps and watched some NFL pre-game
- Sat was just normal stuff around house and errands
- Fri night watched new Denzel Washington movie as a family, good movie and everyone seemed to enjoy
- Cowboys advanced in the playoffs thankfully (on to Green Bay)


W has MRI for her knee scheduled for tomorrow and has taken the day off from teaching.......

Weekend ended up not being too stressful even though I was feeling a little anxious leaving work on Friday. Trying to remember that as a lesson moving forward......

Still no discussion about upcoming initial court date on Wed. I know that is just an initial appearance where the process is explained and the next step scheduled but still feeling a little bit of anxiety around it.

arghh!!!

[SemperFi00]

Have been thinking more and more about upcoming court date on Wed and what I "need" from W in advance.....

Given that the first session is "informational" according to who I contacted at the courts, I think at this point I have what I "need" at this point.

I think that it is just that I would have preferred to have had W tell me about the date/time and provide me with the paperwork. Seems odd that she didn't but now that I know I know right?

Is there something that I may be missing though - anyone with experience??

At some point, seems like we have to have a discussion about parenting plan, asset division, etc.... but does seem like that information is needed for Wed so I guess it can wait right?

[SemperFi00]

Any thoughts on how to ask W to begin to contribute $$$ to joint account? Maybe something like:

"W, I appreciate the fact that you wrote a check a few days ago to cover income tax impact of recent inheritence. I feel like it would be helpful if you would begin to contribute some amount of $$$ each month towards the monthly expenses?"

In hindsight, seems like I should have done this months ago and just never did. Timing now may be an issue.

Thoughts/comments?

[SemperFi00]

Ok, so could use some help on a proposed response……

W left me a vmail at work saying she went by L’s office to sign ppwk and was informed of court date tomorrow. Wants to know if I am going or not? Also stated that she couldn’t find ppwk at the house so she assumes I found it in her dresser and took it.

My response:

“W, certainly planning on attending. Sorry that you cannot find what you are looking for but I can assure that I do not have the paper work and did not take it from wherever you had it. I had actually been wondering for the past couple of days why you hadn’t said something about the date – feels like we both had assumptions/expectations that weren’t shared well.

We have both done some growing and seems like it would be good to have a short discussion a little later tonight about the direction we are headed and how we can move forward.”

Want so bad to express anger over the accusation I must have went through her things and taken the ppwk but in reality what I really think that I feel is just sadness. About the situation overall, the fact she really understands so little about what she has started that she didn’t even know about the court date tomorrow and about the fact that she thinks so poorly of me right now that she would accuse me of looking through her things to find the paperwork.

Anyway back to what I can influence…… Any thoughts/comments on the proposed response above?

Thanks in advance for any help.

[SemperFi00]

So just got this text from W.

"Who knows what I did with it. Do you want to meet after work?"

Really??? Thinking about how I would like to respond to that.....

Any help/suggestions would be appreciated

[Wonka]

Thanks for getting back to me on this. Sure, can meet you after work. See ya soon.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks Wonka for the comment.

Thanks for getting back to me on this. Sure, can meet you after work. See ya soon.

Short and sweet I like it and know that is the right approach.

A little afraid that I am letting expectations creep in, thinking that because she didn't know about the date tomorrow means that she is still unsure. I know that is probably cr!p and not at all where she is at.

Part of me also just wants to hug her and let her know that it will all be alright and that I will take care of it. I realize that this is how I "helped" her with any conflict/tough discussions in the past which likely contributed to an "uneven" dynamic in our R.

So tough to keep expectations at bay!

bleech!!!!!!!!!!!!