Retreat

[Marylov]

Hello! I am a 30 year old female, been married 3 years, with a daughter that is under a year old. Almost 2 weeks ago my husband told me he wants to get a divorce. We have been through tough time before, so while I was upset I still had hope that he was just lashing out. Two weeks later, his resolve seems to be growing. He has made a significant investment in a new living arrangement, and I am terrified that this is really it. He was agreed to go with me to a retreat, and everything I read about it seems very promising. He says he loves me, but that our marriage has made his miserable. I am reading DB, but am scared to just let him "go" and stop pursuing before we go to the retreat. So far, my response to him has been basically denial, I keep telling him that I am "not giving up" and he basically looks at me like I am crazy. Does any one have any advice as to what I should be doing during this time before the retreat? I PRAY PRAY PRAY that the retreat will soften his heart, and I am clinging to hope. I am just glad he agreed to go with me, even though he really doesn't want to go. I think he is just going to say he tried. I am so scared of losing the most important person in my life!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Marylov]

Thank you. Now that I am realizing my husbands resolve, I have agreed to a separation in lieu of a straight up right away divorce. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I want so badly to keep him but maybe some time apart will help

[LITB]

Hi Mary,

I read your post in my thread. My first suggestion, is to relax and not put any pressure on him. He knows what you want.

If you are putting pressure on him, it comes across as being needy and clingy. It is unattractive. You want to be the opposite of that.

You mentioned that he agreed to attend a retreat with you. That is a significant positive. It will help you both dig deep. Let the program do what it is designed to do.

Can you fill us in a little about your story? How did things fall apart? What caused the demise of your M/R? It will help us, help you.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy?

The change begins with you.

[Marylov]

Our story…as best I can summarize:

We dated 3 years, got married 6 months after our engagement, had our daughter at 2.5 years married. We have always had a volatile relationship, as we are both strong willed/aggressive people. I tend to instigate more upfront and cause our arguments, but then he has a very bad temper so he causes them to get out of hand. I am religious and come from a home where my two parents have shown that two imperfect people can make it work if you just stick with it. It isn’t always rainbows and butterflies but we had a stable home life. His parents fought all the time and he has almost zero good memories of when they were together. They divorced when he was about 11, and since then his father remarried and remains married to the same woman for about 15 years. His mother has remarried and divorced three times. I was always a goody goody, and responsible. He was a total rebel, dropped out of high school and joined the marines at 17. We met at work, right when I had finish college, and he was making his way into the professional world after leaving the marines.

Our issue has always been that he doesn’t believe I respect him coupled with his temper. Early on we had many fights about me talking negatively about him in public, and I fixed it. But he won’t let it go that I used to do that. He doesn’t think I make him a priority, and I haven’t, especially since our daughter was born since I also work full time. I always meant to focus more on him, but it was one of those, important but not urgent things. I am not outright rude to him, or malicious, but he just thinks I constantly disrespect him with the choices I make, how I spend my time on my phone and not listening to him. His opinion is that there is nothing left to fix, that we are beyond repair. He is so miserable that the only thing he can think about is getting away. My opinion is that this has come to a breaking point because he is stressed about money and work, and the responsibility of being a father to a young child has overwhelmed him. His own father hated being home, and I believe that he thinks he is not wired for this type of life. One of the things we have struggled with most recently is that I have been wanting to do what I think of as family oriented activities, like going to a friend’s child’s birthday party, and he wants to go hang out at a bar to watch football with a divorced male friend.

I love him and he says that he will always love me, but that he is depressed and miserable. He does struggle with depression, and in his own words, he can’t go a night without drinking.

I am absolutely not ready to walk away from my FAMILY, because of how we feel in this one moment. He claims he has felt this way for two years. I don’t buy it. Yes of course we have had bad times over the past two years, but there have been great moments as well. I think he is just trying to convince himself that he has “tried”.

I am in the process of reading DB, and also have DR. I have also read... which shook me to my core, because now I feel like if I was given the chance, I would approach my married life very differently.

Any and ALL advice would be welcome. And PRAYERS. Lots of them!

[LITB]

His perception is his reality. You need to change that.

You need to do a lot of validation while interacting with him. You seem to dismiss his feelings. Many times you will have a different perspective on certain things. It's completely fine to not always agree. It doesn't require an argument. There might not be a right or wrong. Simply different perspectives. That is the reality when you have two different individuals.

Read your last post, and count how many times you said, "but". Essentially anything before the word "but" doesn't matter. What follows are many excuses that make your "intent" inconsequential. I am not going to address anything about him, because you are the one here.

Own your part, and then make genuine changes that will affect the dynamics of your marriage.

If you don't make the change, who will? Make a list of things you want to change or improve and start there. Small attainable goals.

[Marylov]

Wow, you just gave me such great advice. I love that first comment about his perception is his reality. That is right on! If he is miserable then he is miserable. It doesn't matter if I think things aren't that bad. I am working hard to change, especially while he is here in the house still. I am going to be persistent, even though he told me that nothing I say or do will convince him that any changes I make will be anything but temporary.

I have a question I could use some advice on. He absolutely hates our house (it was mine before we were married), and he says I need to sell it because he is moving out and he can't afford to support two households. He knows that I will have to move in with my parents. I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I move in with my parents, it will be really hard for us to reconcile, especially because my parents would be very upset about us separating. I can't afford to pay for the house myself but I could take out some money from my 401k to get my by for a few months. Any thoughts?? I asked him if he wanted me to get a realtor and he said no, but that he wanted us to "make a plan". But when we tried to talk about it we didn't really get anywhere.

[LITB]

Here is a link to a validation thread, that was created by Wonka. Exceptional information for you to reference.

Validation Cheat Sheet ~ Compliments of Wonka

[Marylov]

Thank you! Good stuff on that thread. I really appreciate your responses.

[LITB]

I am going to be persistent, even though he told me that nothing I say or do will convince him that any changes I make will be anything but temporary.

Let's turn this into a positive. I am challenging you to prove him wrong. Actions speak louder than words. Don't try to convince him with words. Remember, he is looking at your sitch from an unhappy perspective.

What makes you attractive?

I found it helpful to journal goals and interactions. I'd even go as far as suggesting to write things down from the validation thread that I linked for you. It always helped me remember things when interacting with my W.

I have a question I could use some advice on. He absolutely hates our house (it was mine before we were married), and he says I need to sell it because he is moving out and he can't afford to support two households. He knows that I will have to move in with my parents. I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I move in with my parents, it will be really hard for us to reconcile, especially because my parents would be very upset about us separating. I can't afford to pay for the house myself but I could take out some money from my 401k to get my by for a few months. Any thoughts?? I asked him if he wanted me to get a realtor and he said no, but that he wanted us to "make a plan". But when we tried to talk about it we didn't really get anywhere.

I'd suggest not getting too far ahead of yourself. You probably feel like your world is swirling. Slow down and breath. You don't need to tackle the world all at once.

Don't push anything on the house yet. If he brings it up. Simply let him know that you are thinking about it. No more, no less. If he pushes the issue, again let him know that you are thinking about it. It is a big decision that you do not want to rush.

I hope you brought your patience with you, because this is a marathon, not a sprint. You don't want to rush it. Fast is slow, and slow is fast.