I went back to my copy of DR to see what MWD says for these situations.
The first relevant passage is on pages 129-130 in the LRT section and it covers situations where WAS have moved out.
Originally Posted By: Michele Weiner Davis
The second possible response from your mate is that she becomes curious. She might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend sometime together to talk or do something enjoyable. It's also possible that your spouse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here's my advice:
- Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic. - Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all. - Do not ask any questions about your future together. - Be vague when asked questions about changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. - Continue to be upbeat. - Do not say "I love you." - Resist getting into conversations about your marriage. - Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partner's new interest, but not too responsive. If you go overboard, your partner could get cold feet.
Regarding the OM, there's a section on the "After the LRT" on pages 218-219.
Originally Posted By: Michele Weiner Davis
Sometimes, even after you've done all the right things, your spouse still refuses to stop seeing the OP. (...)
However, you shouldn't do it unless you are prepared to end your marriage because that's just what it might do. However, it might serve as a wake-up call to your spouse. It's hard to predict what will happen.
Tell your spouse that you love her enough that you are prepared to let go, then back off completely. Don't spend time together. Don't speak on the phone unless it's about the children. Have as little face-to-face contact as possible. Don't do nice things anymore. Don't call. Don't email. Don't initiate contact of any sort. Don't allow your spouse to feel that there is a relationship between you any longer. Continue this emotional cutoff until your spouse gets that there will be no relationship of any sort until and unless the OP is completely out of the picture.
It sounds like I need to make some kind of statement about letting go and not wanting any contact outside the kids stuff as long as she's with OM. I've already told her that I was letting her go though, at DB. Maybe I should just speak with my actions and politely decline the invitation without further explanation?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
also, train has a great thread somewhere on the infidelity forum that has cliff notes for boundaries...what they're for and how to use them. Can someone find a link? I'm on my phone and am struggling to find it...
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Mozza, I've not been confronted with this OP scenario (yet) but in reading here I get the impression it is better to state WHY you don't want any contact (OM). Otherwise WAS just gets annoyed that you've suddenly gone NC and doesn't understand why. In contrast, if you state your reasons they know what they have to do to end the NC.
Hopefully Wonka will weigh in soon.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
The more she is thinking about what the hell you are getting up to is the better is my thinking But at some point you have to reconnect that's where I struggle how the hell do you know that the time is right
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
I believe when a couple separates, there needs to be a period of time where they should avoid contact with each other. It is so easy to trigger something during a quick exchange, texting, etc. They need that space from each other to regroup and calm down where they feel a bit more balanced in their emotional equaliberim.
This is why I do not agree with the idea of getting all buddy-buddy. How could it be genuine? IMO, she needs to know he is not happy about what she has done to the family, and frankly, he is not interested in being her friend. He is done! That is the only message that will cause her to rethink her actions.
The WAW and LBH should be civil, and that is all, during this adjustment period. Otherwise, the LBH will be putting all this unnecessary pressure on himself......just like HP is doing now. He should not be concerned now she feels about him GAL. It is ludicrous! He left that stuff behind him......or should have.
After the LBS has had time to get stronger and has a life without the WAS, and can work through some of the resentment issues, self-respect, Etc., then he can begin showing more friendliness whenever they have contact. I do believe It has to be a gradual process. I also believe he has the right to evaluate her actions and if he feels he does not want to be friends, then he should not be made to feel he owes it to her. He should not feel pressured about it.
Paul, you say how will you know when to reconnect. I would say it is when you start seeing the woman you use to know. When she truly ends things with OM. When she stops the disrespect. When she stops the lies, manipulation, etc. When she is more interested in you than her phone. When she starts thinking about what's best for her family, and makes them her priority instead of herself. When you can look into her eyes and she doesn't turn away. When you can talk to her without her appearing she is in too big of a hurry to get away. When you can stand near her without her being repulsed. When she begins to show remorse.
Those are just a few. Until you begin to see these things in her, you are spinning your wheels.
You need to go with option #2 you posted earlier. No more gay boyfriend stuff!
OK then, I will decline her invitation. I can see the point. I can benefit emotionally from the break.
Can I get help on the reply? What I may write.
"Thanks for the invitation. I'll pass though. We both have stuff to live and think through and it's better for now that we limit our interactions to a minimum and about the kids. Hope you understand."
What I want to write.
"Sorry, I'd rather not have lunch just now. I can't be friendly anymore while I process you leaving me like this so quickly despite the love, kids and marriage."
Of course, I've been friendly before: email banter, 30-minute phone call before her Holiday flight, lunch in September and November...
I'd like to slip a reference in there suggesting it applies as long as there's an OM. But that means acknowledging OM (never done that) and that I believe it won't last.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
"Thanks for the invitation. I'll pass though. We both have stuff to live and think through and it's better for now that we limit our interactions to a minimum and about the kids. Hope you understand."
OK then! We'll see how that goes, but it won't be said that I was not a disciplined DBer!
So she pulled another one tonight. Emailed my parents as soon as she got home with the kids to ask them if they really gave them 7up (yes, the soft drink) while they stayed with them. Her email is very cordial but fairly long (125 words) and doesn't hide her irritation. 7up is too sweet and not good for children, according to her (yet, the kids tell me about all the chocolate that OM feeds them, but that's irrelevant...). She's been a bit of a control freak about the kids when they're not with her, but this goes further.
I told my parents not to reply, that I would contact her, saying we spoke. Here's the email I have in mind.
"Thanks for the invitation. I'll pass though.
My parents told me you emailed them about the 7up. Yes, the girls drank a bit of it, mixed with grape juice, at Christmas, on New Year and once when Maya threw up. It was diet, so there was no sugar. I was aware of it and had already talked to my parents. I don't encourage it, but even the regular type is no sweeter than juice or chocolate. We should trust each other when the girls are under our care and if there's a concern, let's discuss between ourselves."
By the way, this is really a change in tone for me in the sitch. I've reacted very little to her random emails in the last few weeks, but I've never declined her invitations or told her to mind her own business. I'm concerned this is bringing me back to the "business" tone that made her feel neglected in the M. But then again, deep down I really am a wet noodle with her...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
To go or not go to lunch, if you would prefer a peaceful phase and it will disrupt your DB plans for LRT don't go. At some stage you will need to acknowledge OM and lay down the boundary for your full LRT, if that is where you are and want to be.
Your W relationship with her MIL and FIL are between them, I suggest you do not get involved. Frankly not your concern if you were in a different place when the kids stayed with them.
Ok it's hypocritical of W maybe if she is critiquing your parents on behaviour she is involved in herself.
Your Ps are adults and they clearly have had child/children of their own that they have brought up. I assume there is no neglect or abuse by your Ps so leave this alone. It's between them and W, they can validate and provide a 7up free zone for the future. In other words 'we see the concern about full sugar 7up and sugary drinks, and have and will provide a 7up sugar free zone.'
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/07/1507:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
