Is there a way you can tell her kindly, without putting her on the defensive? That you are grateful for the invitation, but don't believe it is good for you with the way you are feeling about everything?
I am the last one right now to be giving any kind of advice or suggestion, but it seems there is room to do a mix of kind communication and boundary establishment. They say gentleness is real strength in action and that's the whole point you want to reach as a LBS?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Interesting. Could this really be a moment to acknowledge OM?
I'm not sure especially about the "while you're with OM" because it implies I know it won't last, which might be inflammatory. Also, the rule seems to be "never mention OM".
By the way, what she wrote is:
"What do you mean, pass? You don't want to have lunch? Do you prefer that we never meet then? It would make me sad because I think we need to keep some face to face contact, that we're not robots with each other. I'm under the impression that you're not interested and it's detrimental to our relationship. Explain it to me please so that we're clear."
Last edited by Mozza; 01/07/1504:56 PM. Reason: Email transcript
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Funny, now that I see it written here, W's email looks like a text from HPoirot's W!
my thought exactly
Here's my attempt at a reply:
Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch just now. Things can change over time, but for now I think it's best I want to use email and focus on the kids."
V Simpler
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/07/1506:09 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
"What do you mean, pass? You don't want to have lunch? Do you prefer that we never meet then? It would make me sad because I think we need to keep some face to face contact, that we're not robots with each other. I'm under the impression that you're not interested and it's detrimental to our relationship. Explain it to me please so that we're clear."
Wowzer, A's make people stupid. WAW sure seems awfully concerned about the R that she stepped out of to have an A.
Mozza, HERE is the boundaries thread I tried to find. It was from Coach back in 2009. Read it ASAP!!!
Be sure to read through the entire thread, as helpful advice keeps rolling in from others. I don't think you have to pretend like OM doesn't exist, you just don't want to mention or bring him up unless you absolutely have to. In this case, he and her R with him are the reason you do not want to have lunch with her. So you have to mention it. The key is, it's not about controlling her, it's about protecting you.
You can look through that thread for inspiration of exactly how you want to word it, but this phrase from Coach stands out:
Originally Posted By: Coach
Is being treated like a "roommate" how you want to continue on? Let go of the outcome and your thinking will clear up.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
By the way, I don't put a lot of hope in the "she'll miss me!" approach. When I broke up with my previous GF, I couldn't care less about any contact with her and her silence was perfect for me. I was in a new love (with W!). I do note however that my W seems to seek much more contact and banter, but I'm guessing it's for the kids' sake. And anyway: Stockdale!
Originally Posted By: Card29
Wowzer, A's make people stupid. WAW sure seems awfully concerned about the R that she stepped out of to have an A.
In her defense, she refers to the post-M relationship. We're through, we have separate lives, but we have kids so we should have a good R for their sake.
Originally Posted By: Card29
Mozza, HERE is the boundaries thread I tried to find. It was from Coach back in 2009. Read it ASAP!!!
I don't think you have to pretend like OM doesn't exist, you just don't want to mention or bring him up unless you absolutely have to. In this case, he and her R with him are the reason you do not want to have lunch with her. So you have to mention it. The key is, it's not about controlling her, it's about protecting you.
The primary reason why I don't want to have lunch with her is for my own sake because I need to detach. The second reason, which I can't tell her, is that she has to miss me at some point for reconciliation to become an option.
In her mind, the OM is irrelevant too. We're through because we're incompatible, period. We have kids to raise jointly -- will it be only possible if we're both single?? She thinks that meeting face to face is good for the co-parenting relationship.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Is being treated like a "roommate" how you want to continue on? Let go of the outcome and your thinking will clear up.
I don't get it. Let go of the outcome? The outcome is her reaction to my boundary setting? I'm dense today.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
The way I interpret Coach's statement is: He is asking that poster the question if you want to live your life like roommates........and just answer yes or no without hashing out all the different outcome scenario? After all, that seems to be a big problem for LBS. They are afraid to set boundaries b/c they are thinking, "What if this or that happens?". Coach is saying to keep it simple by asking if that is how you want to live your life.......yes or no. If no, then set your boundary accordingly.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Reiterating what sandi said, I think coach is referring to the eventual outcome of the sitch. If you're obsessing over saving your M, with every decision aimed at saving your M (don't upset her, don't offend her, want her to see your changes, make changes that you think she'll like, etc.), you won't be focused on the right things.
Thanks for clarifying your sitch to me. I'm sure you've read it 100 times, but just know that she is speaking in absolute negatives! You don't stay with someone for 9.5 years if you're incompatible. Who knows what will happen in the future, but that statement, I guarantee, is not true. Just don't argue the point with her.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
The primary reason why I don't want to have lunch with her is for my own sake because I need to detach. The second reason, which I can't tell her, is that she has to miss me at some point for reconciliation to become an option
Find a simple, self-respecting way to tell her the primary reason (don't make yourself look weak, just have respect for yourself). Don't be wordy - less is more. I think it goes without saying that you should not mention the 2nd reason.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Find a simple, self-respecting way to tell her the primary reason (don't make yourself look weak, just have respect for yourself). Don't be wordy - less is more. I think it goes without saying that you should not mention the 2nd reason.
25 gave me this... "Right now I need to reduce contact with you, so I can move forward"
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
