Now I need to pull my heart out of there, inch by inch, and I can't do it fast enough to avoid the hurt of seeing her gone and with someone else. I know I'll have to detach and focus on myself and I believe I'm making progress. But I'm not there yet. I still want to live my life with her, and I want 100% of my daughters and I want to be there for all three of them.
I'm so sorry you're hurting today.
It takes a while to get properly detached but the best way to do it is to envision your life the way you want it, and then just go for it.
I know that's really hard when what you want is your W, but that's just one thread of a big tapestry of possibility. A little at a time is the way to go. Coming back here for all the cheerleading helps a TON.
What are you grateful for about today?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Now I need to pull my heart out of there, inch by inch, and I can't do it fast enough to avoid the hurt of seeing her gone and with someone else. I know I'll have to detach and focus on myself and I believe I'm making progress. But I'm not there yet.
Mozza, you and I agree that we're DB brothers. Extremely similar sitches, similar tendancies for both of us (although I pursued more). I have a few months head start with pain and processing, and here's something Ive learned recently: You HAVE to feel that pain. I'm not saying you should pursue more pain, like browsing her FB posts would do. You'll run into plenty of it on your own, as you well know. But your goal, not your ultimate goal, but your day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute goal should be to process your emotions in a healthy way when they come, not to avoid them, fight them, ignore them or even to grow out of them. Acknowledge that they're there, experience them while they're there, but know that your emotions are not you, just like rain is not you even though it soaks you. And when an emotion begins to subside, just wave goodbye to it and acknowledge your next emotion. And if you put yourself in the right situations (GAL, family and friends, be around things or people that make you laugh, etc), more and more often, that next emotion will be something positive. Do you struggle when you're around your kids, like it reminds you of what is missing? If so, I completely empathize with that. Stick with everything, though, and they will eventually turn back into a source of joy.
Great job today. You da man, Moz
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
And I found the short animation from Headspace on YouTube that illustrates a lot of what I just said. If you like this video and haven't tried headspace (app), try it! There is a free version with ten 10-minute exercises, then more content for pay if you really like it.
Acknowledge that they're there, experience them while they're there, but know that your emotions are not you, just like rain is not you even though it soaks you.
Labug has a really cool saying: I am the sky. The rest is only weather.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you did great. At times like these we are in battle between our head and our heart. Logically you knew what to do. You just needed to be reminded. If you had gone for lunch it would have been hard on you. For the moment it would have felt good to see her but you would have been struggling to have a conversation that didn't include the white elephant in the room ( OM). You would have left the lunch feeling emptier. She would have filled her cup getting to catch up with you leaving your cup emptier. Make sense?
You will have other opportunities to show her your PMA. During exchanges with the kids ect.
Keep with the GAL do things that fill your cup. Get to know yourself and become the Man only a fool would leave.
Thanks for writing on my thread. I did respond to you there too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks all. I'm really grateful for the outpouring of support and suggestions for this milestone in my sitch. Here's a translation of the message I'm about to send.
"Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch. You've chosen to leave and now I need to reduce our contacts to move on. I'll continue to be cordial and to collaborate for all that relates to the kids."
If I'm too late, then so be it. But that one sentence^^ is just you blaming her, again.
Can't you ever just tell her how you feel about less contact & moving forward - and Not bring up or "Explain" anything else? I'm betting she'd be able to guess why.
Now, I think she'll again see you as still blaming her and unchanged, and
at best, she'll tell herself to treat you with kid gloves, for "even longer"...
Is that really your goal? (I know it's not.)
Sure, You will tell yourself you "just had to tell her" so you could protect yourself,
but that's why I left part of your wording^^ up there. It's that crossed out sentence that will get you every time.
Let it go. Move forward for real, GAL for real and DETACH.
Those^^ are reasons to reduce contact w/your w...(& you could have said those).
Anyhow, I don't want to beat a dead horse.
Carry on Mozza, Because in general you're still very much on course
There are very good things around the corner for you. Get excited about the life You are creating for yourself. It's time for that. .
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/08/1509:36 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What's hard is the boundary itself. In my heart, I don't want to push my W away. I want to email her, banter, talk on the phone, meet her. I miss her. I'm very deliberate and when I chose her as my W, as the mother of my children, it was for good, my heart was in it entirely. I felt for her and told her words of love I never said before and never intended to say to someone else. I know I failed her and haven't been a good husband, but I thought we were a normal couple and I was still trying to make things better every day.
Oh, Mozza. I'm exactly the same. When I first explained my sitch to my IC, she looked at me and endearingly said "Your an albatross" (she's similar).
This quote seems fitting: An albatross may fly great distances over the oceans, but despite its extensive travels, this bird will always return to the same place — and the same partner.
So...time for us to fly those great distances, GAL and become the people only a fool would leave. Then we'll see what awaits us when we return from our extensive travels.
Last edited by ganb8te; 01/08/1512:13 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
"Yes, I suggest we don't meet for lunch. You've chosen to leave and now I need to reduce our contacts to move on. I'll continue to be cordial and to collaborate for all that relates to the kids."
If I'm too late, then so be it. But that one sentence^^ is just you blaming her, again.
But, but, but... I was following the advice given here! I had already greatly reduced this part of the message.
As you probably can tell, I'm rather soft-hearted and I'm getting hard-line advice here. I'm willing to trust the process, especially as there seems to be so little to lose while my W lives with OM. I don't know how to phrase it just now, but I'd really welcome diverging advice that would allow me to choose something with which I'm more comfortable.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Yeah,you're probably in the same boat as I am. This approach is so different than how we think, but it works. So we go back and try to analyze and listen to all of the input we can. Then what we get is some analysis paralysis especially because we are uncomfortable. This is where my counselors now trying to work with me to let me understand that I can't control what I do or say at all times With worry about how it may or may not affect the outcome. I need to do what I can do in the present and leave the outcome to faith.
Last edited by MCS; 01/08/1505:50 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
