Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

From your personal experience, you know how precious the support of this community can be. I'm very very grateful to everyone who dropped by to say nice things. Just knowing you're thinking of me means a lot to me. Thank you.

Wow, good for you to send it. I'll tell you I read what you wrote and instantly said to myself....Who would want to do this to Mozza? If me on some forum starts second guessing someone else's decision, it must have an impact on her.

Thanks MCS but... I don't understand. What section makes you second guess?

Also painful, but beautiful words about your W and M. What fool would leave Mozza??

Answer: a brilliant woman who hasn't heard those words in a long time. You know when's the last time I wrote her "I love you"? Her birthday in February 2014 and before that, an email in April 2013. No wonder she told me during the S talks: "I had no idea you loved me so much." But it was too late. It's me, the fool.

I feel like a parent who turns around in a shopping center and his kid has disappeared. "I was just distracted for a minute, I can't be punished this much. I was just distracted!"

I have a lot of kind words for my W and in fact, I love to write love letters. My W loves how I write these things and she's very touched by words. But now, she's gone, with OM, and it's not an option. It's not things that she is ready to read. Before she left, I told her I had so many things to say to her yet so little time, and she said: "You can write me, I'll read you." but I never did it because it's pursuing. I've written some of these ideas in a personal document, so it might serve one day.

What are you grateful for about today?

Thanks a lot Maybell for giving me your words of support. You're a wise woman on these boards and I appreciate your attention. I tried to list things for which I'm grateful, but could never remember to do it. Yesterday, I'd say I'm grateful my neighbors accepted my dinner invitation, even though I overcooked the meat. ;-)

Carry on Mozza, Because in general you're still very much on course. There are very good things around the corner for you. Get excited about the life You are creating for yourself. It's time for that.

25yearsmlc - Thank you for saying that, it's encouraging. Thanks also for the clarifications about detachment. I know I'm not there. I's nice to know where I should be headed.

Mozza, you and I agree that we're DB brothers. Extremely similar sitches, similar tendancies for both of us (although I pursued more). I have a few months head start with pain and processing, and here's something Ive learned recently: You HAVE to feel that pain.

Thanks a lot Card29. Yes, I follow your sitch very closely and learn from your journey. I was very impressed at your quick change and am eager to see how it will play out. It's interesting that OM dumped your W, though in my case, OM dumped his girlfriend and now lives with my W...

Thanks a lot for your recommendations on how to get a hold of my emotions. I've watched the video and I have the Headspace app on my phone. I'm really not comfortable with meditation - I liken it to trying to stand on a static bike. It's because my brain is used to solving problems by going into overdrive, not resting. Perhaps with practice...

So...time for us to fly those great distances, GAL and become the people only a fool would leave. Then we'll see what awaits us when we return from our extensive travels.

It's funny you should use this image, ganb8te. At S, I told my wife that we'd have to go through this experience and that we'd see if we meet on the other side. It wasn't a return, but it was the same idea of a journey. It was my way of setting her free while saying I'd be moving on, as I have to.

Vanilla, jim0987, Karma12, Toots, stacey9, HPoirot - Also thank you for your kind words. I've read them several times and they help me.

[MCS]

Mozza,

Sorry, I worded that weird, I see how it didn't make sense.

I was trying to say that when I read it, it made an impact on me that instantly made me feel empathy for you and I don't even know you.

What I was trying to get across was that if I were Mozza's W, it would make me second guess leaving Mozza.

[Card29]

Thanks a lot Card29. Yes, I follow your sitch very closely and learn from your journey. I was very impressed at your quick change and am eager to see how it will play out. It's interesting that OM dumped your W, though in my case, OM dumped his girlfriend and now lives with my W...

Thanks a lot for your recommendations on how to get a hold of my emotions. I've watched the video and I have the Headspace app on my phone. I'm really not comfortable with meditation - I liken it to trying to stand on a static bike. It's because my brain is used to solving problems by going into overdrive, not resting. Perhaps with practice...

Yes, but remember, their R started back in May/June. It lasted about the average length of the typical A (~6 months). Don't worry about your WAW's R with OM...it probably won't last, but even so, worrying about it will only hurt you and your detachment. As far as my quick change of heart...I'm just as surprised as anyone, with how obsessed with WAW I was the previous 6-1/2 months, but 2 weeks later, am just as detached, if not more so. We shall see.

I have the same issue with Headspace. I am a thinker (it's 2:00 am because I've just been thinking and thinking for 6 hours now, ever since D2 went to bed! We'll see if I develop the "skill" of meditation. So far I have enjoyed Headspace but some of the tasks have been difficult for me. Especially having a "soft focus" (my mind's response is, "Okay. But what, exactly, are we softly focusing on?") and scanning the body to see how everything feels. When I try to actually do that, I can't tune in to any particular point on my body! I will keep trying, though. In general, I feel good after a 10 minute Headspace sessions.

[Karma12]

Mozza,

I laugh everytime I type your name because my auto correct wants to type mozzarella lol

Don't think that is all wine and roses with the OM. Once the infatuation stage passes and normal life problems appear it doesn't take long for the rose to lose it's bloom. My H thought he found his soulmate in Eastern Europe. It was all fun when he was meeting her while traveling on business. The scandalous behavior can be alluring. Once she came here and was staying with him it was only a few months before heaven became hell. Lol He told me it was the worst year of his life. He was on the rebound and his stress level was so high he went to hospital more than once with anxiety attacks.

A friend of mine came by today and her H left in July to be with OM. Again all fun at first. Now he's saying he made a huge mistake. Everything I told her that would happen has.

All you have control over is you. The one thing you share is a history. Keep up the PMA. Keep GAL. Be the man only a fool would leave. Fill your life with activities and friends. When you are happy as a person it will shine out. You got this Mozza

[Mozza]

I feel like my W is turning into that of HPoirot, except for the tone. After my email about reducing communications, she managed to contact me three times yesterday. In the morning, she emailed me about getting some children CDs from me. In the afternoon, she called about a problem at school (was far from phone, didn't pick up) and then sent me texts about it. I quickly responded to the text, but took 12 hours to respond to the email about the CDs. There was no rush anyway, but I'll try to be quicker in the future.

By the way, anyone has read "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion? It's a personal essay about the grief surrounding the sudden death of her husband. Weirdly, my W just read it and found it "amazing".

[Vanilla]

Well Mza, you are very much alive and stronger than ever.

V

[sandi2]

I have seen you say many times how you are afraid of pushing your W away. As a former WAW, I try to tell you LBH'S that what you fear pushes her away, in reality, draws her closer.

The fact is........you can't push her away b/c she's already away, right? Like in the Band the Band of Brothers where they say, "We are already dead". It is your FEAR of pushing her farther away that is actually preventing you from detaching. You are afraid of losing her...........however, you have already lost her. How can you lose what is already gone? (Sorry, I know that stings.)

Mozza, you have to want to detach. You don't want to. You have intentially clung to her emotionally.

I may not have the same LBS experiences that some here on the board have had, but before I met my H I was in love with another young man. He broke my heart and I do know how it feels to be rejected. I am not sure if it was my pride or self respect, but I was determined I would not sit around and grieve over him. I refused to cry over what may have been or how badly I had been hurt. I made myself move forward, and I knew nothing about detaching back then.......but that was really what I was doing. I realize this is a very poor comparison to your stitch, b/c we were not M and did not have hildren. But, my point is that I believe one has to want to detach, be determined, and start doing the necessary action to get there. And, as long as you are afraid of "losing" what you have already lost.......you will never accomplish detaching from her emotionally.

That is why you have so much trouble with boundaries, b/c in your mind, you fear it will cause you to lose her. Not meeting her for lunch was a step in the right direction. That is an example of determining to take detaching steps.

[Faith2b]

Wow sandi12,

This post is so powerful I cant tell you what a gem it is for me. I have gone through hoops for this kind of gem. I really see more and more how grounded detachment can be for me to be successful. Im still so early in my sitch. I wonder how can I have the patirnce to see out what I want. Yes none of us need our r. But with that said Im not on this site for kicks. I wanna know how I can strip down to the bare essentials in my life to have what I want and keep it. Im not here to vent well I am but Im mostly here to change my thinking process on life. I have came to some realizations through my children and EXh that have cut me to the core. At the same time I have longed for my family to be healthy and happy. I wanted to always have the best marriage ever. I had NNOOOO Clue on how...I even took family classes in college. I have tried with the same ole same ole time and time again. And to be honest my exh tried to believe in me. He wanted to trust that I can save us thats why he came back after the divorce was final. Of course him losing his job and questions about us selling our home became most heated and we both handled it wrong.


My point is I have to detach to save us all. We have kids no matter what he is a big factor in my life. We have shared custody. Well Im grateful for a chance to change. My ex might not be giving me one inch of a chance right now but hey I had these dreams and I loved before him and I will love after him if God has it that way.


I wanna give up I wanna gie in to my old ways or even the 37 No Nos but...Im pretty much becoming my own woman again and I am forver thankful for my gains. Despite my nights of crying out in excruciating pain. I like last night got up and proclaimed trust in the almighty. I do not see whats to come but Im certain he has me covered.


GAL ON!!

[sandi2]

Thank you, Faith, that means a lot.

[Mozza]

Woah sandi2, you NAILED it. This is exactly my problem at this stage and has been for a few weeks or months. Let me muse and reply in details because it touches on struggles and questions I have.

I have seen you say many times how you are afraid of pushing your W away. As a former WAW, I try to tell you LBH'S that what you fear pushes her away, in reality, draws her closer.

I repeat that to myself and I act accordingly. I put a lot of stock in your experience. While I easily get that pursuing is off-putting, it's so counter-intuitive to accept that refusing to interact and meet with her will draw her closer... I'm afraid she'll never come to miss me because she'll remember me as the guy she left, not the man I'm becoming. But I do it. I do it.

To be fair, during the nine days of in-house separation, I was the one soliciting her and she was very distant. Since she left, I've given her space, as per DB principles, and the roles have somewhat reversed. She's the one initiating all communications, trying to engage with fun emails and calls. Also, the day after I said let's communicate only about the kids, she managed to contact me three times about them. So she wants more than I give her. Maybe it's working.

The fact is........you can't push her away b/c she's already away, right? Like in the Band the Band of Brothers where they say, "We are already dead". It is your FEAR of pushing her farther away that is actually preventing you from detaching. You are afraid of losing her...........however, you have already lost her. How can you lose what is already gone? (Sorry, I know that stings.)

Don't hold back, sandi2, we need to have those conversations.

Is she really gone? I admit I haven't accepted it yet. It's crazy, under my sitch, but I feel like we're in this conversation about our R, that she's showing me the extent of the pain I caused her, and that she wants to know I love her enough to man up and become a better H.

Isn't it you (or 25yearsmlc?) who says that we only seem to learn through hardship? Well, this is the first time of my life that I've been dumped. At 38, you'd think I had the experience to absorb new challenges, but no, I feel like I'm 15 years old. I can't seem to understand the consequences of when another person doesn't want you anymore.

Mozza, you have to want to detach. You don't want to. You have intentially clung to her emotionally.

BINGO! You're absolutely right. I don't want to. Something in me believes that if I detach, I will lose her forever. Like my attachment and pain are the last threads connecting us. I understand it makes no sense, but my heart still believes it.

Maybe I'll have a 180 like Card29, in the span of 24 hours. I'll detach under some external shock. What could it be? Telling me she didn't love me anymore, leaving our home, finding an OM, moving in with him... None of this worked. I'm thick. Probably stupid.