I don't want to rush it either, but he got really angry when I tried to slow play the whole house thing. He is very panicked about paying for his living arrangements along with mine at the same time. He thinks that by not doing anything about the house, I am trying to act like this isn't really happening. So I made an appointment with a realtor for the week after our retreat. I am hoping that the retreat will be a turning point for us. 10 days until then, and I plan to use those ten days to make as many changes as possible. I agree with your advice about writing down my goals. But I am finding it hard to not be pathetic/needy while trying to change my behavior since what needs to be changed is me being more attentive.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
He will get angry. Ah well. Don't simply do things to please him. You need to be smart about making significant decisions.
As for the changes that you need to make, you can list them all. It is your journal. Scratch some out. Add new ones. It will change as you go. Obviously, you will need to address the changes that are independent of a relationship with your H, because that is within your control.
The retreat will guide you in making changes within your M/R.
How are you doing with the homework that Cadet gave you?
Hopefully you get off moderation soon.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
As far as Cadet's advice to GAL, I am finding that hard to do, since we have a little one. After I get home from work, I can't do much besides take care of the LO and get to bed. But this weekend I have a party for my office, and my mother is going to watch my LO. Husband is not going to the party, and that will be very awkward, since it is our annual banquet and everyone is bringing their spouse. But oh well. I thought about not going but then I realized that wouldn't accomplish anything besides making me feel worse.
I hadn't really thought about what changes I need to make outside of my relationship, but now that I think about it, you are right, that is the only think I can control right now, and if become a better more attractive person, how can that not help?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
But this weekend I have a party for my office, and my mother is going to watch my LO.
Get dolled up and go enjoy yourself. Life doesn't wait for anyone.
Originally Posted By: Marylov
I hadn't really thought about what changes I need to make outside of my relationship, but now that I think about it, you are right, that is the only think I can control right now, and if become a better more attractive person, how can that not help?
Bingo!! Ultimately we are each responsible for our own happiness. Happy and confident are attractive.
Also, you can GAL with your daughter. Take her to a park(weather permitting) that you can walk/jog around a track with her in a stroller. Take her to age-appropriate classes to interact with other children. You will be able to interact with other parents. Take her to a scenic place that you can read to her(park/pond/stream). Make some great memories with her.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you. I will be sure to keep you updated on how it is going. My goals: write out five concrete things I want to change, GAL with my daughter, BREATHE, be patient, and just make it to Friday the 16th.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
LITB has given you some great feedback. Awesome, actually. I found your use of the word "but" extremely telling. In my experience, that usually means 2 things: 1) you have to be right; and 2) you have to have the last word. Could this be true for you?
What is something from DR that resonated with you?
I'm afraid I'll let LITB be the good cop - because I'm going to be the bad one. Please know it's not because I want to be unkind, but since I lived through this stuff myself, it's so much easier to see obvious things for what they are. BUT... please know that what I say does not mean that he doesn't have his own issues that should be addressed. It also doesn't mean that he's right and you're wrong. However, since he's the one who wants out and you're here, lucky you. You get our advice. And that means you're going to have to be the one who changes first and who changes the most. Right now, the weakest link wields the power.
Quote:
We have always had a volatile relationship, as we are both strong willed/aggressive people.
Why are you aggressive?
Quote:
I tend to instigate more upfront and cause our arguments
There should be no BUT following this statement. I'm not someone with a bad temper. But this type of instigation would definitely make me someone with a bad temper. Why do you do this? What do you get out of these types of interactions?
Throw your family of origin (FOO) expectations out of the window. You are not in your parents' marriages or your in-laws'. Your problems are real, and they are yours to deal with.
Quote:
Our issue has always been that he doesn’t believe I respect him
Why might he feel this way? Again, "coupled with his temper" is a copout. He sounds pissed and is reacting to feeling disrespected.
Quote:
I am not outright rude to him, or malicious, but he just thinks I constantly disrespect him with the choices I make, how I spend my time on my phone and not listening to him.
Can you provide examples? How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Be specific.
Quote:
One of the things we have struggled with most recently is that I have been wanting to do what I think of as family oriented activities, like going to a friend’s child’s birthday party, and he wants to go hang out at a bar to watch football with a divorced male friend.
Well, my girls are now almost 21 and 18. It's been awhile since I had an infant or toddler around. But I can't think of one single dad who would rather go to a kiddie birthday party instead of be with friends. That being said, do either of you schedule time to be alone, time to be a couple and time to be a family? There has to be balance. They all need to be equal. If you want to scrapbook one night, there is no law that says he can't be the dad. Perspective, Mary. Expectations are a slippery slope, especially when they are hidden contracts.
Quote:
He doesn’t think I make him a priority, and I haven’t, especially since our daughter was born since I also work full time.
Yes. Sigh. I remember this well. But again, this is something that balance takes care of. What are ways you can build balance in to YOUR life right now? That's part of what Cadet meant by GAL. I wish someone had encouraged me to be more balanced when my girls were babies. It would have been very helpful to have that as a goal.
One last thing. Be careful about the retreat. It may make him resentful. It may be the banner he waves to tell you and the world "I tried but nothing worked". So stop trying to control him and use this time wisely to address some of these behaviors you mentioned. They are all resentment builders.
Resentment occurs when we expect someone else to meet our needs when we are not doing the work ourselves.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Until the issues that cause this resentment are fixed, there will continue to be difficult communications. As LITB said, regardless of what you say, these are his perceptions. Which make it his truth. The opposite of love is not hate, Mary. It's indifference.
So if you could please share some of these dynamics, it would be helpful. I've asked a few ladies here to come on over as well to weigh in. They're introspective moms as well.
Good luck- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
It sounds like you and H have been going in circles with each other. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Sometimes we have to agree to disagree. As two seperate people you both bring your own perceptions, beliefs and ideas to the relationship.
It also sounds like you both are reactive with each other. Learning anger management could be a helpful goal for you. You can't change H's behavior but you can change yours. If you change how you react and respond you will be teaching your child how to have a healthy relationship. We all tend to repeat the things we saw growing up. Break that pattern.
I agree with the other posters. It is imperative that you give your H. Space. That is respecting him and what he needs right now. If you remind yourself that the more you push the further he will move back it will help keep you in check.
There are some good threads on here about the Pursuit and distancer dance. I'm not great with technology maybe someme with more tech skill can post them here for you.
It is easy to get caught up with kids and only see yourself as a Mother. It's important not to lose the woman in you.
Keep busy. Have a PMA. If you GAL and have a PMA that will be what gets H's attention. Fake it until you make it act "as if"
If H is determined to seperate do look out for yourself. Find out what your rights are. Don't worry about upsetting H. You may be able to stay in the home. If he wants to leave and has to struggle that's the consequences of a choice he made.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. You have been getting some good advice, and here is a bit more. Go back through these posts, and actually take the time to answer the questions that were asked of you. You don't necessarily have to post the answers here, but make sure you understand what's going on in your own head. Do you always need to be right? Do you put being right above the relationship? Do you in fact disrespect him by your choices? Why do you do that? The sooner you figure this stuff out for yourself, the faster you can get to the person you want to be.
Now go back and read the parts where it says stop chasing your H and focus on getting a life for yourself. I know it's hard with a little one, I totally get that. Use your mom as a babysitter when she's willing, and do things that you can take LO along with.
Finally, let me share with you what gave me the most heartburn after BD. Fear. I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of being a single parent, I was afraid of a financial crisis, of having to move out of my house, of friends judging me, of social stigma. It was overwhelming. But when I looked at each one of those, addressed it individually, most of those monsters under the bed turned out to be dust bunnies.
Mary, you can do this, you will be OK. Someone wrote that to me on my first post here, and I didn't really believe her. But you know what, I am OK. You will be too. Keep posting.
Thank you all for the tough love. It sure is hard to take a hard look at yourself and think about all that you have done wrong. You all brought up a lot of questions but I think the most important one for me to answer here is to provide examples that will show how I have disrespected my husband, which is the main cause of our trouble. Here are the examples of what he needs and that I don't give him:
He likes to lay close in spooning position and I dont let him spoon me I don't keep my car clean I give him short notice when I have to work late I encouraged him to play more golf, and then complained when he did I complain about how he spends time away from home I interrupt him I get on facebook in the bed when he wants to talk I question him in front of others
In general, I try to one up him and be the alpha. I am a "leader" if you will, and try to lead our family, even though I expect him to.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Hi, Marylov, I'm one of the ladies Betsey asked to check in with you.
My first impression is, listen to every single thing LITB and Betsey said to you, and don't think any other thoughts relating to your sitch until you have answered their questions fully, honestly, and without any "buts". Own your stuff.
The second thing is, I'm going to track down some links and quotes for you. One is the pursuit & distancer thread Karma mentioned. Definitely drop your pursuit. Use the validation link every time your H speaks to you. Every time.
I have one more question: why did you instigate arguments? What sorts of things did you complain about? Were THOSE things really so important or was there something else going on that you masked with the actual fight? I ask not because either of you was right or wrong, but to understand what was going between you.
I'll be back.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Go back through these posts, and actually take the time to answer the questions that were asked of you. You don't necessarily have to post the answers here, but make sure you understand what's going on in your own head. Do you always need to be right? Do you put being right above the relationship? Do you in fact disrespect him by your choices? Why do you do that? The sooner you figure this stuff out for yourself, the faster you can get to the person you want to be.