Its because you have to prove adultery (unless they will admit it) where as you could say unreasonable behaviour of such and such which leads you to believe they committed adultery or are having a relationship which is intolerable to you. In this second option you only have to convince a judge that your belief and feeelings are reasonable rather than prove anything.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I'm feeling.....vengeful tonight! When you start thinking about possible D it's really tmpting to just 'sock it to'em!' In UK law, you can cite OP as a co-respondent and seek 'filing' costs from them....hugely tempting! This is OWs second affair (that I know of) and I would love to see some 'chickens come home to roost..'
Of course the Ls don't advocate this approach as it causes 'acrimony'....like adultery doesn't??
Anyway, I'm not generally vengeful, and I'm sure I'll be sensible if I do ultimately decide to file....but a naughty little part of me would just love it!
Just needed to post and get it off my chest really.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can understand why someone would go there, being in this position is no fun and it happening because someone else was involved does lend itself to a "ah he11, you did this? well have fun with this..." Response. Ultimately it comes down to the great old loss vs gain again.
I know you've said your not likely to go there, its understandable why some people would though.
You take it easy
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
H and I had some contact by text today. I needed a piece of information and he sent it over to me. He got back to me quickly & let me know he'd be home this pm and send the info then. And then he sent it over later.
There wasn't anything in the exchange above & beyond - hope you're doing ok & have a good weekend etc.
It made me think that some of the 'reaching out' over the festive season was just a Xmas blip. Oh well.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My w is the queen of what I term passive text grenades. These are the texts that say 'ok' or 'fine' and used to set a live grenade in my mind and blow my PMA to small chunky salsa. Text messaging is such a poor medium for meanings anyway and we're all (ok,ok,*I* am) always looking for deeper meaning in these short text chunks.
An example from this evening, i tackled tesco and their garage (what fun on a friday) when i got back W had texted me to confirm times tomorrow to get s I answered around 10 as I'll get a haircut first (I presently look like a yeti). Two letter reply "ok".I know thats her uhoh response, I could have gone into my fret mode, worry what she meant what the problem was instead I texted back "earlier, later, more purple?".
Turns out mil & fil coming around at 10 to replaster a room (impending disaster approaching, not my issue, moving on) so shes panicking we'll run into each other, ruling out I have no worries being in my car running into mil (repeatedly preferably) I just said how about 8:30 I'll sort his breakfast she said compromise on 9 and I said okelydokelydoo and stopped texting.a huge change for me and shockingly I am in a good mood this evening afterward.
So on the whole I think you're right its an "oh well" hunky dorey okeydokelydoo moment and grab a Jaffa cake or chocolate coin (err they're on the coffee table ...what can I say) may mean something,it may be a busy day or the phones being a nucense but dont read too much into it is my advice, have a Jaffa cake
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
No you're right back once chrimble chocs are gone I'm not replacing them toooooo tempting!
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
So, it's 6 months since BD for me this week. I sat in bed with my book last night trying to recall what was the actual date. Was it the 8th or 9th July? I think it was the 9th. Then I thought, well if I'd known on that night I would calmly be sitting here six months later trying to recall the date, I'd be pretty pleased.
What have I done since then? Moved out. Moved area. Left my old job. Got some new work. Got a flat. started volunteering. Joined a couple of new groups. Started an exercise class. Hooked up with an old friend I hadn't seen for a while. Kept in touch with SS and his Mum. Done some courses. Had IC. Joined a support group. Found this forum. Kept a journal. Read a number of R books. started meditating, accepted invitations from various friends...I'm sure that there's more, and that I could have done more, but not too bad.
And what about H? We've not spoken since Sept. Neither of us has suggested speaking. We text. Mostly functional, but pleasant and the odd joke thrown in. I mention GAL stuff in passing. He sent me a Xmas present and card, and a HNY text on NYE. I think he had a bit of a tough Xmas, and reached out a little. Maybe that has settled now. I have no idea if the A is continuing. I presume it is - it all sounded very rocky pre-Xmas, so who knows what 2015 may bring.
Am I going to change my approach? I don't think it would be good for me to prompt any contact with H right now. Not since he told our friend our R is finished and he wants a new family in his life. Who knows what may happen in coming months. But I feel if I seek contact now, it will set us on a path to D. D hasn't been mentioned by either of us so far. Just him being lost, confused and unsure. So, I need to work some more on detaching and enjoying my life here - which I am in part.
I don't feel ready to file for D. I told myself I would review at 3 months and 6 months. I thought I might feel ready at this stage, but I don't. I read some really helpful posts on SS06's sitch today and I thought - yes, that's where I am. I'm just going to carry on DBing and see where it takes me. And when I'm ready for whatever, I'm ready.
So that's my six month round up - but if anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I'm all ears!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am so glad you are actually getting yourself in a better place now. You know, all that shaking was driving me crazy as well. It's nice to feel more control over our own lives.
It was a good review of facts you did. It put in a very clear perspective of how you started this journey and where you are at this moment. You are doing pretty good girl.
About the whole L business, it is good that you got some legal advice and definition. I did this too some time ago. Just to be informed at some basic questions. It really helps to know where you stand.
Filling for a D, I think you are right to wait and see where it all goes. If your H can't hurt you financially like selling properties, taking money from investments and sending it out of the country or even building huge debts that will be count as acquired during the marriage, then it's better to wait a little longer.
You sound so organized, I feel the pressure of getting my S*** together. I have papers everywhere now, need to get some house work done, and I feel I am always cooking to these boys, they eat like elephants.
Hey, loved the way Edz wrote to you. He is such funny guy. Love his kind of language with his W, I think I will try some of that new vocab with my H. KKKKKKK
