Mozza (7) + Links to success stories

[Card29]

I wouldn't mindread into the social media post. That only hurts your detachment. It's a little different than if she had told you about the book face-to-face. Bottom line is, detaching and pulling back is your best bet. and it's just my opinion, but since she didn't dkrectly tell you about the book, I find a hard way for you to easily bring it up without pursuing. Maybe an opportunity will present itself, but Mozza, do NOT spend hours of your time thinking of how that might happen! I can't tell you how many hours I spent between August and November having imaginary conversations with WAW in my head, in which I would tell her about my changes (that I was supposedly making for me, lol), ideas for activities with her, etc. and she was always excited and receptive in my mind. Those imaginary convos helped suffocate my detachment, and NONE of them ever happened.

Just enjoy the book because YOU enjoy it. Don't mindread anything from the book or her social media post. Then save your time and energy, put the book down, and stow away your thoughts about the book for another day, when you could talk about it with WAW... IF it ever comes up, which it might not! Obsessing about how this book could help you with WAW has a 2% chance of helping your sitch due to love languages being met, or whatever, and a 100% chance of prolonging your attachment and therefore your suffering. I believe you have a similar fear as I had, that one of your marital failures was not paying attention to her, not sharing intimate conversation or affection, etc, and that if you don't fulfill those failures now, she will not see any difference. Eventually, yes, she will need to see at least glimmers of your changes. But her A with OM needs to in its course first. You are locked in the friendzone/coparent-zone at least until then

[Card29]

And I apologize if some of that doesn't make sense. I'm suddenly extremely sleepy. I fought for concsciousness just to finish it

[Mozza]

This thought helped me keep my focus. My DB coach told it to me.

"You want to contrast the life your WAS is creating, wherever, with the life you are creating."

Thank you for this. It is inspiring. Here are a few examples of contrasts.

Home cooked meals. With the kids, I cook every day. It's not always elaborate but the kids love my food and compliment me on it. I involve them in the cooking and they love it. D6 reported that with their mom, they eat pizza "every day".

Kids activities. Every week-end, we do something special, like go see my parents out of town or we find fun stuff to do in town, like the planetarium and such. D6 reported that with their mom, they spend entire weekends in the apartment. I've only heard of one swim session and one walk to the park in 4 months.

Visitors. We often host visitors with the kids, some with children their age. They love it and in fact beg me for more visitors. We also visit at least one friend regularly. I'm not aware that they do anything like that with WAW because they don't go out and she doesn't have many friends of her own. Also, I know she misses some of those friends that we visit.

Music and dance. We put music every night and I pull my stroboscope once a week at least and we have a fun dance session, often with guests. The kids love it and mention it regularly. WAW does put music at her apartment, but she doesn't have a strobe!

Workout. The kids are very attached to the 7-minute workout and insist for doing it almost every day. They babble about it because their mom questioned me about it. My shape has improved. I'm not aware WAW has any such fun routine with them and my she told me she doesn't exercise at the moment.

Fulfilling work. My W knows I love my job (I created it 1.5 years ago). I never complain about it and I act content about work. My WAW reported being increasingly frustrated with her job.

Social media interactions. On Facebook, my W can see that I interact with a lot of people. Also, I started posting daily on Instagram to show the fun stuff I do and see. My account is public and WAW can have a look when she gets curious. I stopped seeing her post, so I can't really compare but she usually got support/feedback from the same 7-8 people who are not even in this country.

Social life. I'm in my country where I grew up so I have tens of friends and family, whom I visit regularly. I also seized a few opportunities to hang out with new people. My WAW is an immigrant here and doesn't have much of a social network beyond her colleagues. I know, because she told me, that she misses my friends and family.

And I have a secret weapon to convey those contrasts: our family blog. Seven years ago, I set up this private blog where I report several times a week about the kids. It was a way for a picture-obsessed father to keep family and friends informed (we lived abroad at the time). I made it my mission to continue posting through the sitch, so that it looks like life goes on. I'm 99% sure that WAW continues to check it, so she sees all the marvelous things we do.

Anyway, I'm glad your coach gave you this quote because I do work hard to create a fulfilling life for me and the kids. After four months, I can say that these are all habits I do for myself, not for her. Most of it are just a continuation of the family life we had. It would be nice to see it pay off in my sitch nevertheless.

(Of course, when it comes to romance and sex, I don't really compare with her current situation! Trying not to think about it...)

[Vanilla]

Mza

Drop the competition and scorecard, you are not in competition to be a better dad than w is a mum! It may be that way because W is in a bad space but aim not to notice. Your post appears very edgy and 'so there', I trust that is just reflection rather than attitude Mza. Your lovely daughters deserve the best dad possible and one co-parenting and interacting with their mother. Children come first Mza above all.

W is in a bad place clearly, Try to support her role rather than be in competition. Be as good a dad as you can be which I know is the case. Mza has lost his angry edge, can Mza lose his need to mark his W? Can Mza detach more? I know he will!

V

[Vanilla]

sorry accidentally psted too soon, fat finger syndrome.

25 said contrast and that means the good things W does as well as the things you believe are poor. For example W has given up going to her own country so her children can have a stable base. W works and supports herself etc but does she have the same level of cash?

In order to full understand then you will have to observe all the good and bad. The things that W does that are done well and better than you can do them as well as that which is worse.


V

[Mozza]

Thanks Vanilla. I was not trying to say that I'm superior or in a competition, but that I create a life worth returning to in contrast to many aspects of the life that WAW is creating for herself now. I was responding to 25yearsmlc's prompt.

[Karma12]

Mozza,

You are growing. I have read your posts on other threads and I can really see a difference from when you first started posting. We will all keep moving forward. Who knows what life has waiting for us around the next bend.

[Mozza]

Thank you Karma12. It's very nice of you to say. I feel I'm changing inside, so it's good to hear that it shows somehow. I comment on stiches where I feel comfortable with the concepts, but there are several where I feel out of my depth and simply don't know what the LBS should do.

I met my IC on Monday. One of our most productive sessions (we had about 15 so far). It seems like I'm 'conflict avoidant'. It is somewhat of a surprise to me because my W and I had lots of fights in the months leading to BD (and in our R, but like most couples, I assumed). I feel I'm one to address the underlying issues head-on, but my IC feels otherwise at the moment. It has something to do with getting into conflicts only when I can predict what will happen, I think.

In any case, it might explain why I have one of the calmest sitches around here. It's not that I lack the elements of conflict: WAW lied heaps to me, she's with OM, she introduced him to kids long before telling me she was in an R with him, she tried to provoke a few fights early on, etc. But I don't see conflicts as productive and my WAW really wants us to be cordial. This is how I got dangerously close to 'gay boyfriend' territory, as Wonka said.

This also probably explains why it's so easy for me to remain silent in the sitch, to not pursue. It's a way to avoid conflicts with WAW. It also jibes with the advice I so freely dole out on these boards, which often leans towards avoiding unnecessary conflicts.

I'm thinking that my WAW is also a conflict avoider, especially as she told me that she didn't want to work on the couple when she left. It was too much energy for her. This is typical conflict avoidance.

I thought I'd chronicle a little of what I learnt about myself, since it relates directly to my sitch. It's amazing how much I've learnt in the last 4 months. I wish I knew that before, but better later than never. Some people get dump and never learn from it. Good on all of us for making the self-discovery efforts.

[Mozza]

She wants a D.

She just sent me an email asking whether I'm ready to start preparing the paperwork, knowing that it won't be made official until October 1, one year after she left. She says she'd rather talk in person about it, but she'll respect my desire not to meet for now. She's also ok with having the conversation later. She's suggesting that we try without lawyers at first, considering the costs and that we get along relatively well.

Her email is as clear and kind as it gets, under the circumstances. Not much to read into it. She's had four months to think about it and she's used that time to move in with OM and confirm that she wants a D. She's impulsive and she rushed out of here after meeting OM, but I doubt I can blame her D request on impulsiveness. It appears well-thought out.

Now I need to respond. DB says that D is just papers that it's not the end of the R, so there's no reason to oppose. The answer seems to be: "I don't want to D, but if you want it, I won't stand in your way." Right?

I also want to tell her that there's no rush, that I'd rather not start this process now. That I also need to do some research. But the real reason, and I guess I can't tell her, is that there's a one-year waiting period for a reason: in case the parties reconsider their position.

You all know I'm afraid she's leaving me because she thinks I don't love her enough. I've been crying every single day since she mentioned S four months ago and yet I give her the impression that I'm moving on. You all know it's killing me even if I do it and trust the process.

It also kills me that we're moving towards D even though we're really not that bad together and we have two kids. We can't D for bad reasons. There are so many ways we can be better together. She's not there yet and I can't talk her into it. And I don't show her my changes. So we're moving to D.

I'll be thinking of my email response. Support and suggestions welcome. Thank you so much for being there.

[Mozza]

Here's the email I have in mind. It's a mix of DB and what my heart is screaming. I've no idea how it comes across, perhaps because I don't want to see it.

"You know I didn't want to separate and I don't want to divorce, but it's your choice and much like I couldn't keep you from leaving, I can't get in your way if you want to divorce.

I haven't done my research nor sought counsel, so I'm in no rush of starting the process. Also, there is a one-year delay in the law to give time to the couple to think and confirm its decision so I'd rather respect it.

May I ask why you want to start already?"

I go around telling everyone that you can't talk WAS into anything, yet I find myself in the same place, wishing W and I could talk.