the only way to get it watertight is to make it the final consent order as part of the decree absolute. until then its an agreement which represents our intentions and agreement
my solicitor says its as good as its going to get prior to actually being divorced. If i want watertight i'm going to have to initiate proceedings and it will take a good 12 to 18 weeks during which time my W wouldnt be able to buy her new place.
it agrees every financial aspect and leaves next to no wiggle room (except on child maintenance - which according to the calculator would actually mean I pay less than i've currently agreed to.)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I know what you've all said (a few times now) but it still astonishes me that she is so angry at me and in the end she has got really angry at me over nothing. In fact its back to bugging me
I'm going to put the worst spin i can on what happened today
She didnt hear from all day but was anxious about whether i had done what i need to do. when i got in late from work i said a brief hello before disappearing. I then sent an email with the changed agreement, didnt mention it while i got changed to go out. when confronted by this i simply smirked and said i was going out, before refuse to commit to the deadline my W has set for her move, which she is really anxious about because there is a lot of money involved and she is scared it will collapse.
So all of this ^^^ makes her think i'm trying to exact some kind of retribution which is about the furthest thing from my mind these days.
and she calls me controlling.......
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I know what you've all said (a few times now) but it still astonishes me that she is so angry at me and in the end she has got really angry at me over nothing. In fact its back to bugging me
I'm going to put the worst spin i can on what happened today
She didnt hear from all day but was anxious about whether i had done what i need to do. when i got in late from work i said a brief hello before disappearing. I then sent an email with the changed agreement, didnt mention it while i got changed to go out. when confronted by this i simply smirked and said i was going out, before refuse to commit to the deadline my W has set for her move, which she is really anxious about because there is a lot of money involved and she is scared it will collapse.
So all of this ^^^ makes her think i'm trying to exact some kind of retribution which is about the furthest thing from my mind these days.
and she calls me controlling.......
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I'm going to put the worst spin i can on what happened today
She didnt hear from all day but was anxious about whether i had done what i need to do. when i got in late from work i said a brief hello before disappearing. I then sent an email with the changed agreement, didnt mention it while i got changed to go out. when confronted by this i simply smirked and said i was going out, before refuse to commit to the deadline my W has set for her move, which she is really anxious about because there is a lot of money involved and she is scared it will collapse
Jim0987, I really like this interpretation of the events. I think it show real empathy for your W, for her point of view. In fact, this exchange reminds me a lot of what's happening with HPoirot. A lot of people, especially vets, are telling him to check his attitude and behave normally with his W, be cordial, etc. In this case, you make a good case that you could have done a lot better with a friendly neighbor. In fact, you'd probably be embarrassed if you acted like this with a neighbor.
A few weeks into the S, my W got upset at me because she felt I was interfering with a friendship of hers. She emailed me, I tried calming things down, but then she emailed again within seconds and called and texted me. I let her know quickly that I was on a call so that she'd understand my silence wasn't avoidance. I called her back when I was off the other call and let her vent. I knew she'd need to repeat it all. I did a recap of the facts with her, taking her along, using her words and then trying to correct a few things in agreement with her. We ended up face to face (she was picking the stroller at my place) and she was still very agitated. I completed the recap and adjustments and at the end, I told her, in a very empathic voice and looking her in the eyes: "You have to trust me that I'm not trying to harm you." She finally calmed down and thanked me, saying she was feeling better. If anything, it may have told her that we can resolve conflicts in a civilized manner.
I'm not putting myself up as an example, but as you know, my W and I are very cordial to each other and I give her very little to confirm her decision to leave me. Sometimes I wonder if it's because she's really more collected, less upset than your WAW or whether it's because I've managed to treat her "normally" and avoid this kind of escalation. I've all the hallmarks of the bad sitch: WAW saying she was miserable with me, lying all along the S talks, running with OM, history of big fights just before BD, etc.
I think what I'm saying is that you should reflect on your behavior with her, perhaps compare it to what you'd do with a neighbor or colleague. What would be inflammatory? What would resolve conflicts? I know you're starting from a bad place, but there are opportunities to improve things. Perhaps you need to stop worrying about the outcome, always be so pessimistic and focus on the task at hand to complete it in a civilized manner.
Anyway, I hope it can help you reflect, that's all I can really provide.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Mozza. I dont think this is far off how she felt and this morning when i engaged her on that basis she calmed right down then just started chatting with me.
Its good that i'm recognising this, just at the moment its about 10 minutes after. Then i'm in that difficult position of wanting to go back, apologise and correct. Sometimes its good to do this mostly its probably not. Mk8 Jim needs this to be in real time.
Anyway we chatted through a few things this morning and i've taken the approach that i will keep her fully informed as to what is happening with move stuff. So a few texts from me today -nothing back but i didnt expect it.
I'm not sure if this is right but its courteous and reduces unnecessary anxiety and stress. Plus i dont think i lose anything doing this - its certainly not pursuit, the only thing is if it looks weak.
we talked about some stuff that needs seperating and i repeated my view that its just stuff so i'm not worried. There was one thing that we both wanted but whether her tears were fake or not its clear it will upset her more than me so I said this and said she could have it. when she questioned it i said i would just add it to the pile of things that i dont like but am prepared to accept.
Not hugely relevant but my W told me that her PF's husband has filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery which she has accepted as (in her words) 'she has been having an openly acknowledged affair for 18 months' she then said that he has two women on the go now. I unenthusisatically said 'good for him' but that I'm concerned I get lumped in the same category as him and SIL XH when I'm not the same. Its a strange world we live in with way too much divorce and nowhere near enough effort to make things work.
Anyway so my situation is now that next tuesday while i'm out of the country my W will be moving out to her new house and new life. OM1 is back from holiday the same week she moves so it really will be a fresh new life for her.
Gives me a week to get organised and try and sort my emotional state ready for my new single life. But my IC has said i seem much calmer and more at peace with it all so i suppose thats good (unfortunately she still says any hope of reconcillation is futile)
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Sounds like you are doing better, things will get easier once W leaves as hard as it will be.
One thing I've noticed in many of your posts are phases like this "I would just add it to the pile of things I don't like but am prepared to accept". This sounds to me like being needy and guilting. People want what they can't have, I have no clue why. It seems like you are trying really hard to continually let her know this isn't what you want and it's sounding like you're guilting her. Maybe try pumping the breaks on these comments? Let her wonder if you even are still interested and see if she sends any feelers.
I completely understand your post about being compared to someone else who has it "better" now that they've split. As hard as it is to ignore these comments as well I think you pretty much have to. WAS just say these things to help ease their own guilty consciences.
You're right there is way, way to much divorce in today's society. After going through I can understand why it is simply far to easy to get one. A few thousand bucks to a lawyer and boom done. Far easier then getting married in the first place which often takes about a year of planning.
Don't worry about what your IC says about R. Plenty of people decide to make things work after a separation or an affair, just keep your head and that PMA up.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
I didn't really think of it as guilting. Thank you for pointing out that it might be seen like that. At the time I thought it was more just being honest that I don't like the outcome but it is what it is and that I'll be OK with that. Guess it may not have been heard that way.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I know what you've all said (a few times now) but it still astonishes me that she is so angry at me and in the end she has got really angry at me over nothing. In fact its back to bugging me.
and she calls me controlling.......
W is angry at her sitch and herself, not at you at all. It's her frustration, detach, observe.
W also stated she wanted to move back to her county, sounds like OM1 thing may not be working out too well, I can't quite put this in context. W is very anxious to get her own place, too anxious but it may not be in your interest to get in the way. Things will unfold in the next few months.
Glad you have the fins pinned down. Then the D is less urgent.
More cool Jim, am really pleased.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/13/1511:11 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Right now at this moment in time i'm feeling quite at peace with my situation and I want to mark it by posting about it.
right now i feel at peace because - I understand a lot of what i did wrong in the relationship and the simple changes that make me a better man
- I really feel my IC is working for me
- whatever happens i have two beautiful children and they have an amazing mother. we have given them good genetics i think and between us I know they will always be safe and loved
- I have connected with a bunch of people that i wouldnt have otherwise, including you good people on these boards
- I have changed my beliefs and understanding of who i am, I now truly believe that happiness, love and forgiveness are all choices we make and that they are things i can choose for myself (it will take time but i have faith in it)
- I'm ok by myself, its a little boring and lonely but it doesnt hurt
- I am learning new skills and new ideas which help me to grow as person. there is still a lot more to learn
- Despite everything I feel for the pain and anxiety and upset my wife is feeling and that makes it easier to feel compassion toward her no matter how much i disagree with her choice(s)
- And I know that her journey means she needs her own space and her own place. That much of what has happened has been driven by her need to escape to be in control of her space. I've always known this about her and yet not given it sufficient regard.
A reconcilliation if that were ever possible (Large OM shaped barrier here as well as all the other stuff) would not happen via her coming back to me it would happen through her feeling safe to invite me into her space - thats just who she is and has always been. So she has to move to find herself and I have to respect that.
OK so this is an up on the rollercoast but i dont wont to only record my extensive pessimism.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
