OM is coming back next week. There's been no further discussion about her seeing him outside of work. Just to be safe, I have her social calendar already full for next week.
She has not contacted him, insofar as I can tell. Unfortunately he has contacted her; the content in and of itself was nothing disturbing, but it's obvious he doesn't understand the concept of NC. And she is not about to tell him to not contact her.
She never agreed to a formal transparency plan, but as I have access to all her communications anyway, and check regularly, I haven't pushed it. Every expectation I have communicated to her (transparency, what constitutes fidelity, etc.) applies to me as well. I've been very clear on that.
No, we're not in piecing. She's still very much in WAW mode. She admitted yesterday in MC that while she does not actively contact him, she'll look to see if he's logged in on the Facebook Messenger bar. If he is, she posts something, just to let him know she's still there. It's usually new family photos or something like that, but she does it to "communicate" with him in a way. The therapist was very clear that even these passive reminders of OM are keeping her emotions stirred up.
No, I am NOT sure. She's talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I'm still not at all convinced that she's not giving it 6 months so she can look good and say she "did all she can" as she serves me D papers. Her rhetoric is "I WANT to fall back in love with you, but I don't know If I can. But I'll give it my best shot." Not exactly reassuring. That's what makes me wonder if the fight is worth it or not.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I guess I'm still unclear on this "not working for me" talk would need to be like. Every time I work on that, it sounds like an ultimatum. How is this different?
It's only an ultimatum if she believes it's just a tactic to win her back. You have to REALLY be of the mind that "you know what? this ISN'T working for me! I deserve better than this, and I don't want to beg someone to be with me!" If you really mean it, and just let her know "I've heard you, you don't want to be married anymore and this isn't working for me either, so why don't we just move on" is in NO WAY an ultimatum.
As men, we have a really hard time with the whole "letting go" thing, because we're fixers and control freaks by nature. But when you fully realize that YOUR WIFE IS NOT YOURS TO BEGIN WITH, AND YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER . . . you will be 75% of the way toward successful DBing.
Are you familiar with the "you're already dead" scene from Band of Brothers, or the Stockdale Paradox? Both are based on this same concept. Powerful stuff.
Band of Brothers is one of my favorites. I do remember that scene.
I've gotten almost there before. We had a discussion a couple of Saturdays ago where she was going on about how she only saw me as a friend, couldn't see me as a husband, wasn't sexually attracted to me (after having sex 3 nights in a row on her initiation, btw). I finally told her, somewhat matter-of-factly, that if that's how she truly felt then I needed to move on. I'd been searching out apartments and I was going to go ahead and see about getting one. I started discussing the logistics of getting my things packed and moved. I don't want to be her second choice just because OM isn't available.
It's amazing what that did to her state of mind. That afternoon she started talking about things we could do to reconnect emotionally, talking about future plans, etc.
Unfortunately that didn't last. She backslid a couple of days later. But I think for a while she stared reality in the face and didn't like it. May be time to remind her.
And this isn't a tactic. I want my life back, with or without her.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/13/1507:21 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It's amazing what that did to her state of mind. That afternoon she started talking about things we could do to reconnect emotionally, talking about future plans, etc.
Well?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You asking about specifics as to what we're doing to reconnect?
Spending more time with the kids, mutual projects, doing fun things together like watching old movies (we both love film), spending time with our friends
She was talking that way after I started talking about separation. Since then she's had more panic attacks and more spew. Depends on the day as to her state of mind
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
You asking about specifics as to what we're doing to reconnect?
No. I'll pull a Wonka on you and let you figure it out. I'll give you one more clue.
Originally Posted By: Rzrback
I finally told her, somewhat matter-of-factly, that if that's how she truly felt then I needed to move on. I'd been searching out apartments and I was going to go ahead and see about getting one. I started discussing the logistics of getting my things packed and moved. I don't want to be her second choice just because OM isn't available.
It's amazing what that did to her state of mind. That afternoon she started talking about things we could do to reconnect emotionally, talking about future plans, etc.
So, what works in your sitch?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It seems to me that when I responded to her with strength and resolve, she saw that I was willing to move on. When she realized that she might actually have to face a reality without me, it frightened her.
Am I getting warm?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It seems to me that when I responded to her with strength and resolve, she saw that I was willing to move on. When she realized that she might actually have to face a reality without me, it frightened her.
Am I getting warm?
Burning hot! It's all there in your post. When you fear losing her, you push her away. Look at her reaction when you cried in her arms. Then compare to her reaction when you started packing. We don't even need DB: it's clear as water.
You just need to gather the strength and resolve. You're getting there, according to your recent posts, but you can't bluff this. You'll likely have to go all the way, perhaps you'll have to move for real. But remember that you won't be leaving much behind if she's really unwilling to commit to your M.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
