1. Well aware of the steps. And yes I have 100% admitted I am powerless. 2. By chronic I mean Ill in the physical sense of the word, Ie seizures, DT s etc. 3. I am well aware that it is life long, it took me 20+ years to figure it out, but I did. I hope and pray every day that the past hasn't taken my family from me but it is in his hands in the End. Regardless, the road I am on now is away from the selfish and unsober life of the past. Whatever happens, I can tell you this. I will never go back to where I was. I am trying to do the 180 currently which is what I want to do for me anyway. It is trying to maintain the positive and happiness in her presence that I find to be tough because I am still hurting on the inside. I think her seeing me alive again will make a big difference, and make me feel better too, just have to figure it out.
Bert I am glad you are letting your higher power guide you, this is probably one of the single most important things you can do. Of course AA is going to be important as will this site.
Thank you for your clarification about your understanding of chronic and I will just comment that you may be more physically strong than most alcoholics which is why you don't suffer from these effects. Physically therefore you may have damage,. Have you been medically checked? this may help you with a restoration regime too which will help improve your recovery.
I still recommend Al anon for your spouse if you can persuade her to go, as this will help her understand your position. To restore your M is obviously of priority to you at the moment and for this you are in the correct place. W has clearly had sufficient love to stay with you for a long time. Ironically it may take her a while to acknowledge the new sober Bert, as a sober Bert will be a new person to her which may take a while to adapt to.
Can I recommend that you request your thread to be moved to the newcomers forum as you will get more traffic and help there. Try the notify button and your thread can be moved for you. In addition by All means drop by a few threads even if just to say a few kind words. Choose those with some pages to their threads as they are likely to be regular posters. Like minded posters will be of great assistance to you.
Also there is a strap line at the bottom of each post which will aid other posters in their knowledge of you. Name, ages, etc, you can access this through "my stuff", this will assist in helping you. Be brave and include the AA join date and sober time
How many days sober are you? What made you realise 20 years was enough? Encouraging you Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/18/1408:47 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was a dry drunk for a little over a year then tripped and drank for about a month, never really to excess but I was drinking. Then an incident occurred that changed me and I stopped altogether with a different outlook and the dry drunk went away. It was at that time that I began AA. That was about 7 months ago. Dont really know what made me realize 20 yrs was enough for lack of a better explanation, After my incident, I feel like I just woke up. Since then trying to work on us has pushed her away and she made the decision after my incident according to her but has been trying until now. Another problem is my working nights and her being home alone for 12 yrs. I feel that we can re discover each other, I hope. I am trying as hard as it is to give her the space she needs and that I didn't in the past. Being a great father and trusting that She will see how much our family is worth to me and that we are worth saving and being happy. I have done a lot of tough things in my life and career but nothing is as hard as the past few weeks
This is very early days indeed. As you realise from going to AA, there are two strands, the fellowship itself and the 12 steps. Both are vital in recovery, there are fellows who are dry drunk for decades but who suddenly take a sip and are off running with booze.
The hard part is the 12 steps, that is the true route to recovery. I really do get the dry drunk part. The fellowship is the aspect which will help you grow with the steps. I know because I work my steps. This is a vital part of your rebuilding your M, it may take you a long time but 12 steps can fit nicely with DB.
Please look at Sandi rules and adapt them for the program. Keep on going to AA as that is where consistent change will come in you. Concentrate on you, but where DB and 12 steps overlap is step 9. Recompense and putting everything back in order.
Other than the alcohol what is it that would most recompense to W. What did you list in step 4 that you needed to do.?
Have you chosen a sponsor and talked this through?
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The biggest thing would be time at home and selling my boat which is a painful reminder of my bad days. The decision to sell is easy, the ecomony may put a little damper on that though. The things I listed out in step 4 are for me and her, not this forum But I will say that my true looking in the mirror for the first time was the single most emmotionally painful thing I have ever done, It wasnt a sit down with a sponsor in a "traditional" way, it just sort of happened and through the tears took 5 hours to write a 4 page letter. I have a temporary sponsor currently and am looking for a sponsor. After my looking in the mirror or step 4. The only alcohol that will ever enter my body again will be imbalming fluid, and hopefully that wont be for a long time and I will get there one day at a time. I am still trying to figure out how I am going to get her to read the beginning of the book. I am hoping that will at least get her bak into counseling
Bert, I'm going to echo Vanilla here. Please work the steps, get a sponsor and get to meetings. I have been sober in AA for 12 years now. That didn't keep my M from this sitch, but it has given me a foundation to deal with it: a spiritual life, close friends (and sponsor) to call regularly, meetings (sometimes just to keep me from being lonely), the ability to be honest (with myself and others), etc.
During these past few months it has been so important for me to reach out to others, let them know how I am feeling, getting out of my head when my thoughts are eating me up, helping me feel like I'm not alone. And this is very important - exposing my feelings of shame. Shame and guilt can really take us out.
Me: 39 W: 46 D: 7.5 S: 5 SD: 16 SS: 12 T: 2 (06/2012) M: 2 (12/2012) Separation 09/2014. No talks of D yet. No communication since 10/3/2014
Hi Bert, welcome to the community. I am a former WAW, so maybe I can answer the question you had.
Quote:
I am doing my best to distance myself too and not be as available which is tough. I thought the beginning of the book might shed some light on the ramifications of these actions but I am not sure.
With most WAW's, feelings have changed completely. She doesn't feel in love with you, and in fact....not extremely attracted. It may be your looks, behavior, personality quirks, mannerisms, or whatever. It took a real long time for it to build to this point, but now it seems impossible, to her, to feel differently about you. Therefore, the more time you try to share her air (so to speak), she begins to feel smothered.
I remember resenting my H for just walking into the room where I was. He could just breathe and I would feel disgusted. And, he forget about touching me! However, some couples do continue to have sex.
So, the ramifications of not being less available, and giving her plenty of space is that it pushes her farther away from you.
I am going to paste some things that might help you with some of these things.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is absolutely awful. I feel like someone is playing soccer with my heart and there is nothing I can do about it. I am doing my best to follow the steps and stick with it, fighting with my own emotion is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do bar none.
