ganb8te. No, I don't think I will have a choice of IC, but DB is not the main reason I want to go. My relationship/marriage is only one of aspect of my life for which coach Chuck and this forum are my help.
It's getting everything in my life going that I want to work on. This is why we GAL.
It is straight out of 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. If you work on each of those areas, then losing one of them won't be such a bad thing. If you are putting all your eggs in the relationship basket (codependency) and that goes bonk, you will feel as though there's nothing left.
Toots. Who is this Jim? :-)
We went to Relate a few years ago but it didn't really help much then as here I am. I have read a couple Andrew G Marshall's books though which say a lot of the same things as DB and he is ex Relate.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
During logistical arrangements last Friday, Daft lass texted me saying she was shopping.
OK, what are you shopping for I replied.
Oh, just this and that she said.
S12 later revealed that it was actually a dress to wear to another wedding and a another works function coming up. Hmmm. This and that eh?
It's hard to treat someone like a friend or sister as my DB coach advised when they're holding you at arms length.
Every now and then I feel a surge of anger when I dwell upon the thought that she won't lift a finger to work on our marriage.
She tells people were 'in transition but we're still friends and co-parenting'. I don't feel like I'm one of her friends I can tell you. She texts all her other friends everything though.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Similar behaviours to my w, she'll text fb or otherwise transmit everything but I'm on a radio chatter watchlist of some sort. As I've said on my thread heyho as time goes on I'm detatching more. Apparently she's booking a girly weekend away only reason I know is she posted a comment arranging it on a joint friends Facebook posting and I got the notifications!
I just know if I did anything approaching the same it would get seized on though. Ultimately as (I think it was Sandi said) got to detatch as I can't lose her, she's already gone so I have to stop worrying about doing so and refocus on dB and sorting myself with the possibility of reconciling. ultimately the dB is for me (and in my case continuing the rebuild of r with s) and if she chooses and is prepared to come back thats the bonus. Not sure, still working this part of it out myself to be honest!
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
WAW just phoned me about a couple of things, but at the end she mentioned she'd been asked out on a date at the weekend. It's S15's birthday on Saturday so she's going on Sunday lunchtime.
A date? I said. Yes, she said and reiterated it'll be on Sunday. I said right, see you then and hung up.
So it gets worse. I've only just come back from my mindfulness meeting feeling optimistic and thinking how can I convince her that all she is thinking is in the mind. Ha!
Rats, rats, rats. Now I feel bad. Not as bad as I would have before but still bad.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I've only just come back from my mindfulness meeting feeling optimistic and thinking how can I convince her that all she is thinking is in the mind.
Before someone jumps on this. That's not really what I was planning. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I don't want to go back. How do I stay strong?
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
How would she expect me to react to this news when I go 'home' for the weekend?
Well I have already had a long pause on the phone and then cut her off saying 'right, see you then' when she started to say 'I know it s not what you ...'
I think she would expect me to be withdrawn, silent, maybe surly or angry.
So I think I just carry on with my normal PMA. Keep busy. Not mention it.
And what about the boys?
Man this is so ****. I know so many people are in worse situations but it's still ****.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
All her thinking is not in her mind, it's in a different body part, I'm afraid. Do you admire this behavior? Do you want to be around someone who is treating you that way? Maybe pull back and focus more on yourself. I think it was super hurtful of her to rub her date in your face. If you're at a place where you can draw boundaries, maybe tell her that you're not interested in hearing about her dating life. Or start going on dates of your own and share those details with her. Try something different, either way.
Stay strong and positive. Your bad feeling IS all in your mind. Focus on what is good in this moment. (I had to tell myself this last night while panicking about custody issues.) For example, last night I said: I'm letting my mind get caught up in all the drama, but in REALITY, all that is happening in this moment is that I am lying in my comfortable bed, with a roof over my head, sweet cat next to me, well fed, after having enjoyed an evening with friends. My life in that moment was (and is) actually pretty good. Honestly, sometimes I just tell myself to think like a lizard -- totally in the moment. Have I eaten? Slept? Have shelter? Yes? Then I'm OK for now. I don't want the emotions to drive me and succumb to the anxiety.
Stay strong and positive. It's for your own benefit.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks for being there Ahoy. The bad feeling is all in my mind. Well, there's a physical sensation bit in my heart too.
There's so many thoughts racing around now though. I'm thinking ...
Maybe I shouldn't go home every weekend. Maybe I should stay at my mums instead and pick up the boys for the weekend. Maybe I should leave home and just stay down here where my work is. I have been applying for jobs near home and there are a couple more I could go for but I don't know now.
Not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight.
Last edited by Old Dog; 01/14/1510:59 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
