It seems to me that when I responded to her with strength and resolve, she saw that I was willing to move on. When she realized that she might actually have to face a reality without me, it frightened her.
Am I getting warm?
Burning hot! It's all there in your post. When you fear losing her, you push her away. Look at her reaction when you cried in her arms. Then compare to her reaction when you started packing. We don't even need DB: it's clear as water.
You just need to gather the strength and resolve. You're getting there, according to your recent posts, but you can't bluff this. You'll likely have to go all the way, perhaps you'll have to move for real. But remember that you won't be leaving much behind if she's really unwilling to commit to your M.
What you're telling me, Mozza, I've intellectually understood for a long time. But I couldn't get past the damned fear and dread of losing her. The idea that she could go on, find another man, and be happy without me still hurts like hell. She's all I've known since 1993. But the difference is that I know now that I would do the very same thing if we D. (Well, except for the "other man" part, just to be clear....not that there's anything wrong with that! ) I know it was scarcity thinking that kept me fearful; that I couldn't find love or have a happy life if not for her. I'm getting past that, though.
And you're right. As sad as it would be, if she can't commit to our M, then there's no point in me holding on.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/14/1503:55 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you work through all of this. I am hoping that you find peace and continue to move forward. You are a good guy and your future is bright.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Just musing, something my W said stuck with me and I forgot to post. D15 was hassling her about something last night, as teenagers are wont to do. My W made a statement about how dehumanizing it was to be a mother; that the kids seemed to just treat her as a cook and a bank. She's always been a great mom, and I know she loves our Ds intensely. It was probably just spew, she's never said anything like it before, but I think it shed light on her state of mind. Her unhappiness with her life extends to more than just her marriage.
Last edited by Rzrback; 01/14/1509:22 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Her unhappiness with her life extends to more than just her marriage.
Well sure it does. She may fake it at work or some other places, maybe try to lie to herself, but she's not a happy person. Unhappy women are vulnerable to having A's.
That is one reason she has this attitude about "motherhood" all of a sudden. But if D15 knows about OM, your W need not to expect her teenage daughter to show her much respect right now. Being 15 is hard enough without the knowledge that your mother is wayward.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Since then she's had more panic attacks and more spew. Depends on the day as to her state of mind
She has not gone through the withdrawals yet. She's still stalking OM on FB. She can't get over him as long as she's doing things like that. It's bad enough that she sees him sometimes at work.
I definitely believe you won't show her your confidence until you shed your fear of losing her. I think you may be getting closer.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know good and well she's not happy. She's always been up front about that. She's just always talked about her unhappiness in terms of her marriage.
She's stuck to no direct communication with OM, but she is stalking him on FB and keeping a picture (I caught her with it last weekend). The therapist was very clear that even passive things like that are interfering with her healing.
He'll be in town next week and they'll unavoidably see each other at work, at least for a little while. She has not brought up the subject of her seeing him after hours. If she wants to, it's her call, but I'll be looking for a new place to live immediately. I almost drew that line with the picture and FB issue, but I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to do that. Seeing him in person is obviously over the line.
I am closer. I've finally figured out that life goes on if we D. The incident where I came to her in pain a couple of nights ago and she made it all about her pain drove home the truth that she's not nearly as committed as she says.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Does she know you are checking behind her? When my H was watching my computer activity and phone bill, I got a pay-as-you-go cell phone. He had no idea.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She does not know I can check her cell phone. I take a quick peek maybe once a week. There's an old message from OM where he wished her a Merry Christmas. Quick convo, nothing huge there.
She has a printed picture of OM that she took when he was in town last time. I came home early and caught her with it out on her desk.
She admitted in MC this week that she would post something innocuous on FB just to see if he notices. I have looked at her FB history occasionally but there's been nothing there either. She doesn't know I can do that either. He doesn't like or comment on anything she posts, and there's been no Messenger activity between them.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
) I know it was scarcity thinking that kept me fearful; that I couldn't find love or have a happy life if not for her. I'm getting past that, though.
