Old dog seeks new trick 6

[Maybell]

Old Dog, I'm sure that hurt 50 times more than you said here. I wish I could say anything helpful, but all I've managed in my own sitch is to get my STBX to cry with self-pity that he doesn't want to be "that guy" and for me to be mentally ready to move on.

This stuff takes time. You're doing everything right. Listen to Ahoy, it will help.

[Old Dog]

I'm sure she mentioned it to prepare me for it. Because she doesn't want a scene on Sunday.

I feel like having a flaming row with her. Call her a selfish ****. Accuse her of abandoning our M without lifting a finger.

That would actually be something different ... but I don't think it would help.

Mind you ignoring it is also something she might expect from me. Oh I don't know.

Heeeeeeellllllppppp

[Maybell]

What kind of man do you want to be? If you could put aside all the emotion, what would you choose to do, or advise a friend or one of your sons to do?

[Old Dog]

A good man. But I already am.

Just got to get through the day now.

[LoveMyW]

OD, I feel for you brother.. I went through the same feelings about this time last month when my W told me she was actually in the BF/GF phase with someone.. 2-3 dates in the month beforehand and then BF/GF.. No knowledge of each other before any of this..

I actually had a good laugh when the shock/anger/anxiety wore off not long after as it is a nearly textbook rebound R which is the same as yours sounds.. I still don't LIKE the thought of W doing this, but I have set similar boundaries of not knowing/wanting to know about their "R".. As DB states, we can choose to respect the W's life choices, but it doesn't mean we have to agree with them..

A funny side effect of all this is that it has done wonders to my detachment.. I suddenly look at W differently, and honestly DB stuff kicks in.. I have noticed I don't think about her anywhere near as much before BF BD, and I have "tuned" my interactions to nearly ALL DB principles.. I have also gone as much NC as possible, but as read on another persons post (HP or Mozza I think), when the time has come to reply etc I have been neighbourly, but have also tried to mirror W's interactions..

All in all, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. It just means we have to work harder..

[Sotto]

Hi OD - I'm so sorry to hear that - hard news to process. "My W. wants to date someone else." That's the brutal reality - at least right now. I think the big challenge - especially when you're still reeling from the news - is to engage with the brutal reality and also maintain your faith in the longer term.

Reality is, your W is probably pretty miserable right now. Your M is in crisis and she is looking for a way of feeling better - ideally without the hard work it would take to restore the M. Other people can look a whole lot more attractive right now. But the reality is we are all flawed and Rs all have their challenges.

I think you need to accept - she has decided to go on a date - and go she will. And what does that mean for you? Can you live with that and maintain your current arrangements etc? Only you know what your boundaries are. But try and respond rather than react. Be the person you want to be in this latest challenge.

Before you do whatever you're going to do (which may be nothing) post here and get some support and perspective. xx

[gan]

Hi Old Dog, Just catching up on things. Sorry to read about this turn in events. I'm sure that would have been very hard to hear and put you in all kinds of spin.

I think you've received some good responses so far. Maybell's question is key in all of this and I think you need to ponder it a little more. I bet many of us here feel like we are already good people...but we are striving to be better. And we are using this dreadful experience to take a timeout and figure out what that looks like. You seem to have been inspired by the Feel the Fear book/workshop. Has that opened up any doors for you? Made you think about doing things you'd never considered before? Or be someone you thought you weren't? Put your M in a box, hide it somewhere for now and embrace this as YOU time. See where your heart and head take you.

I suspect you want some more concrete ideas than that but I really do think this is the key. Even you said you want to work with IC about more things than just the M. So do it! Make your life what you want it to be, starting now. And if you don't know what you want it to be, then go start exploring!

[Old Dog]

Thank you so much everyone. It's good to chat to friends who know. I've had a horrible day trying to survive in a workplace full of people going about their business. I was awake in the night too.

I was doing all right until yesterday. I could handle it. Now after this advance warning that she is going to cheat on me I feel really angry.

I tried not to let it affect me too mauch at work but was a little subdued and could feel the anger simmering away inside.

I've blocked her on facebook - I'd already unfollowed - and changed my status to nothing.

This is all about me now. I want to be the best I can be though I don't feel empowered right now as you can imagine. It would be good if I can channel some of that anger into working through some of the things I want to improve on but I feel at a low ebb right now.

Whatever happens I'll handle it. I just need a plan to get through this weekend without burning an bridges.

Better arrange a phone call with Chuck I guess. And I've got a follow up phone call with my feel the fear workshop lady too.

Thank you again folks.

[Tarheel]

Dog, I'm not up to date on your sitch, so feel free to disregard if you don't feel this applies at this point, but when something similar happened to me shortly after BD, I wish I would have taken the stand that I wasn't going to live in an open M. I wasn't mentally/emotionally prepared at that point and it was pre DB. Instead, I probably came across as controlling when I grilled W upon finding out OM had asked her out.

That 'date' eventually turned into a R with OM. Decide what you can live with.

[Old Dog]

Hi Tarheel. No I'm not prepared to live in an open marriage. But she probably wouldn't see it that way any way as she's insistent that's it's over.

My wounded gut reaction us to walk away. But there are kids involved, and why should I walk away?

In theory, I can handle anything but how do I handle this without becoming a doormat? Boundaries. What boundaries do I need to set and how will I enforce them? That's something I don't really know much about.