We kept a busy schedule this weekend. Wife was completely silent and dark. No idea what she did or where she was. But we were busy enough that it didn't bother us.
Late yesterday she texted and said she was on the way. I replied back "On the way where?" She was going to come pick them up for the evening but we weren't home and it was really too late to come get them because she wouldn't have any time with them before bed time. I basically told her that she hadn't communicated all weekend and we made plans. She was okay with that and we made alternative plans for her to spend some time with them which works out better for all anyway. I was upbeat and positive and it went well.
Today we exchanged several calls and texts that were pleasant and playful, for the most part. Later she stopped by to bring me something and was being a little flirty & coy, so as she was leaving I called out to her: "Thanks, beautiful" She responded: "Thank you....Handsome", all in tone that I haven't heard in almost 7 months. She only says this to me traditionally when things are going really well in our relationship. So score some brownie points for me. NOT reading too much into it, but it feels good to get some familiar playful kindness in return.
Tomorrow is another day, and I could be in the middle of the floor crying. We'll have to wait and see what it brings.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
"One theory in marriage counseling is to go back to the courtship stage and present yourself in the most positive light possible. This might be an option for you and your wife."
Hope, I have been mulling this one over and am curious what your thoughts are on putting this into practice, specifically for us.
(Hoping this is not another stupidly obvious point that I failed to grasp)
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
"One theory in marriage counseling is to go back to the courtship stage and present yourself in the most positive light possible. This might be an option for you and your wife."
Hope, I have been mulling this one over and am curious what your thoughts are on putting this into practice, specifically for us.
(Hoping this is not another stupidly obvious point that I failed to grasp)
Get back to that positive and attractive man who attracted her in the first place. Don't try to catch her every day, just do the things that make you happy and take care of yourself.
Since you're basically starting over, might as well start the courting stance, as long as it's reciprocated and doesn't come off as "pursuing". Your little exchange the yesterday is a start. But don't go too quickly or too aggressively. Keep it playful and light-hearted.
You're already presenting yourself in the best light possible, except that this time it's authentic. You are the best man you can be. No eminence front this time around. Be yourself, but your better self. PMA. Light-hearted and lovingly gentle.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Wow, that's 2 thumbs up on a little courting. I've been feeling like I want to try it too.
We have been either talking or texting literally, almost all day. Situations today have warranted it but it's been nice. Pleasant. Even when we disagreed on something, it just flew right by without incident. I was very proud of myself for being cognizant of my current emotion or thoughts and being able to direct them where I wanted them to go rather than my mouth operating with complete abandon. I was able to hear Hope414 in my head from the last time I blew it really bad back in Oct telling me how with the current status of my marriage I simply did not have the luxury to make these kind of mistakes.
I stopped by the apartment to grab one of the kiddo's this evening (It's Mommy's night tonight and both are home sick with strep) because my D7 wanted to spend the night with daddy instead of mommy, which is fine by both of us. While I was there in the parking lot D7 kept nagging mommy to "hug daddy". She kept repeating it and my wife kept declining. She then asked: "Don't you love daddy?" My wife replied: "Yes, I love daddy." This is a huge improvement over exactly 3 weeks ago when her response to the same question was not as pleasant.
We both left, me home with D7, wife to AlAnon (Yay!!! she's been catching every meeting she can make!) She called just before she went into the meeting and wanted to talk. We talked for several minutes and she was using the same familiar and future language that she was using back before this all got bad.
Peter, I am going to pray long and hard before I make a single move and let God guide this. Otherwise, I WILL move too fast and too aggressively.
Good grief, I'm all nervous just like I was when I first asked her to meet me at the little place on the corner.
Quick (very quick) recap of the positive movement I have seen just since Christmas week: 1)Started attending church again (not ours, but who cares) 2)Deleted confirmed OM3 and "pals" from FB 3)Spent almost 8 hours w/ us for Christmas 4)Has been calling just to talk on multiple occasions 5)Deleted suspected OM2 from FB 6)Abruptly quit Tues night pool league (where OM3 played) 7)Openly flirting including making an obvious stare at my package wile making comments. ;-) 8)Appears to have deleted chat app she was using with OM1 (the deal that started this all in motion back in Aug) 9)Spending more time with the kids including coming by the house and spending time here 10)Making AlAnon meetings whenever possible
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Signs are good, but be careful that you don't seem too eager. Play it cool. Hang back. A wink here & there. But let her set the pace.
There was something I read on these posts about 6 or 7 months ago about allowing her to set the pace. I wish I could remember it. But that's the gist of it anyway - let her set the pace. Reflect and be aware. And don't talk about it. It's actions, not words. Keep it light.
I'm rooting for you.
And remember, this is a marathon. There are no such things as unrealistic goals, just unrealistic deadlines.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I found it: (on stacey9's threads from Sept 13, 2014) I'll reverse the genders to make it more relevant...
Quote:
I've been doing some work with a marriage reconciliation coach whom I found prior to finding this site. The advice he has given me may be helpful to you, so I'll pass it on. He gave me two methods of reattraction.
1) agreement (in a very specific way) for example: you say "the weather is nice today" and I DONT say "I agree" and I DONT repeat your statement by saying "yeah, the weather really is nice today". I choose one point from your statement that I agree with and say something like "yeah, the sun is shining bright today." The coach is a psychologist with 20 years of reconciliation experience. He said that if I use the first two methods of agreement too frequently it will seem as if I'm just trying to be agreeable all the time, however, if I use the third method I will be agreeing in a way that she will subconsciously pick up on. For her to be attracted to you, she had to feel like you're on her team. No matter what she says, you can always find a way to be agreeable without agreeing to something you don't agree with. An example would be "having kids is horrible" "yeah, they can be very challenging". It's true, kids can be very challenging, but you didn't say they are horrible. Allowing her to feel that you're on her side will help her to become more comfortable around you and to let her guard down. That will open the door for connection.
2) empathy. That one is rather self explanatory.
He told me that those two tools are among the best things you can do to help her start to open back up to you. Other than the rules that have already been expressed to you on this site, which he also gave me. Once she starts contacting you when she doesn't have to, you'll know you've made progress ...but never outdo what she's doing. If she contacts you for "non-business" reasons 3 times in one week, you contact her for non-business reasons no more than 3 times a week. Let her set the pace. If she gives you a high five, you don't get to hug her. If you go faster than her, she'll feel like you're not on her team anymore and you'll back track.
Words of wisdom. It actually came from jp?something, not stacey9 but regardless of the source, it's worth repeating.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
