Heather and Wonka dancing in the pale moon light? (I hope you are doing well, Heather! Glad you're taking some time away.)
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I did need to step away from the boards for a bit to gain some perspective.
Yesterday, I happened to see this documentary about weight loss and it compared two people...one who kept the weight off and one who went back to his old ways.
The significant difference between the two? The successful person built a strong support system around him of people who understood, on a deeply personal level, the struggles he encountered. People who have been there and got through.
I don't want to go backwards. I haven't, as of yet, and I intend to keep moving forward.
Updates:
WORK: I spoke up for myself at work. I got the attention of the powers that be. I didn't do it perfectly but, in the end, I got a meeting with the publisher. I was honest and took responsibility for what was mine to own. It was a great meeting and I've had more support from the company than I've had since I started. Even the perfectionist editor has changed his tune and given me some support/encouragement. During the meeting, I could see where the publisher was saving his own face at times...in other words, some of what he said was crappola, but I was able to sit back, take what I needed and move forward.
I've been working hard at finding my own place with this job and figuring out what works for ME...I'm learning how I best accomplish things. And, I've faced the reality that I always tend to take on more than I can chew and, then, take the responsibility for ALL the world's problems when I should've been more realistic with what I'm able to do in the first place. It's now always ALL my fault.
Old Pattern for Heather...TAKE ON WAYYYYY TOO MUCH AND TRY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY AND, WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, TAKE THE BLAME. Did it in my marriage, in my career, in all areas of my life. It's a way that I emotionally abuse myself.
D20: She is moving out today. I gave her an ultimatum. Either stay and contribute or move out. She chose to head back to P.A. She has no cell phone coverage because I stopped paying the bill. She has about $25 to her name. But, she seems to have things in place, at least temporarily, to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. She invested some Christmas money into the Jeep to get her to P.A. And, we downloaded a texting app so she can check in with me every 2 hours where there's free wifi.
We've had some great conversations in the past two weeks. Some angry and hard, some deep and meaningful. I see her as alcoholiIc and looking for another quick fix. But, I'm willing to step back and let her figure it out.
Part of me feels a bit resentful at how she bailed on me when I needed her help. She made things a lot harder these past months, when I had hoped she would make things easier. I know it was asking a lot of a 20-year-old...but, I also see how I put a lot of things into place for her to excel. IDK. I have a lot of feelings. I do see how she needs to find her way. I'm disappointed at how she is unwilling to make things work here...but, also a bit relieved.
I'm scared too, though. This will mean I need to put things in place for D12. And, as D12 said a few days ago..."Mom, it wasn't like D20 was helping us anyway. She makes things harder."
I feel angry that she pushed so hard to move and I put things into place only for her to jump ship when it got hard. I don't like that quality in my daughter. I don't like that she is opting to go towards the easy when she has Syracuse and umpteen possibilities here for a good life...but, here, means harder work. IDK. It feels like Smokey all over again. But, it's not. At least, I hope not. I know I will feel some relief when she is gone.
I hired someone to help. A great girl who is working her way through college. She is upbeat and fun. I'm so excited for her to help. I plan on sending Smokey the receipts for Care.com and let him know he is responsible for paying half of the 12 hours each week I will need her. I figure, if D12 was in school, I would still need help after because of the nature of my job. Twelve hours of childcare each week should be reasonable.
I still have loads of things to do for the D and for the homeschool and for my job and with finances. I keep putting the job first...And, my anxiety still slows me down, but it's getting better. And, listening to Gospel Music and sermons seems to help.
All in all, things have calmed down a few notches. It felt weird at first to have things go well. I'm allowing myself to get used to normal...I'm taking my victories where I can. Paid my heat and internet bill.
Still don't have any temporary support in place. It's a bit unbelievable to me.
Smokey sent this strange note on message paper. It was a proposal for a settlement. Parts of it were stupid...$150 per month for spousal support and he keeps the profit from the house...but, he did suggest $500 for child support and half of his retirement. He wanted me to send him back a Yea or Nay without showing my atty?? WTF?? Seriously? The bills for his atty must've come in. I believe he is counting on the profit from the house to pay for his atty. The money is sitting in escrow in his atty's name. It makes all the bluster about the condition of the house make sense. He may have gone in telling his atty that this was how he could pay for legal fees. Thus, the atty, went after what money he could see.
Oh, and he sent me a text before New Years where he admitted that he didn't pay any child support in November. I sent it directly to my atty.
And, there you have it.
I've missed you guys. Thanks for the thread Wonka ;-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, It's good to see that you found your "groove" and finally spoke up for yourself at work. You gained more respect by doing this than sitting there taking the bs from the perfectionist, etc. Now, your publisher is aware of what you've been dealing with and also want you want to learn and how to move forward.
I'm glad you finally put your foot down about D20. I'm sorry she opted to leave, but to be perfectly honest w/you, when she was away at school last year, you and your D12 seemed to settle down and enjoy life w/o a whole lot of drama. Moving out and being on her own may be the best thing for her. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet w/o someone being there to fix all of her problems. Heather, don't ever think she won't be back...she will if things don't go well for her and she needs her mom to fix things once again. I know you love her to death, but this time, she will need to fix whatever jams she gets into on her own. She's an adult now and she will make mistakes, but that's how she will learn what to do and not do in the future. It's okay to listen and if she asks for advice, give it to her, but don't clean up her messes for her.
I'm glad to read that you have someone coming in to be w/your D12. I think this may be a win-win for you and your daughter.
From what you've posted, it sounds like things are starting to settle down and you are finally planting your feet on solid ground.
Perhaps you could speak to your MD about something to help with your pesistant anxiety? I did and feel much better and can function better too. Just my 2 cents.
Heather - do I recall that you have thyroid disease? If so, anxiety can be a result of low thyroid. (Obviously, you have PLENTY of situational reasons to be anxious, but still...).
Low T3 levels I find are often associated with anxiety. People being treated with the standard levothyroxine (T4) treatment sometimes don't make enough T3 on their own. Adding T3 (cytomel) or changing to the older desiccated thyroid (which contains both) often improves anxiety. check out the stopthethyroidmadness website to get more information.
If I'm wrong and you didn't have thyroid disease - think about yoga,tai chi, or meditation.
Brook, you will always be a friend. You didn't lose nobody, no-how. :-) I'd find a way to get in touch. No worries.
And, as always, much love to Bea and Job and Ellie.
Old Pattern for Heather...TAKE ON WAYYYYY TOO MUCH AND TRY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY AND, WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, TAKE THE BLAME. Did it in my marriage, in my career, in all areas of my life. It's a way that I emotionally abuse myself.
I think this is the key to the anxiety^^^^^ Somewhere along the way, I got the clear message that the world is allllll MY responsibility. And, when anything goes wrong, it's definitely my fault. I had many, many re-enforcers with this message over the years and I, now, create my own re-enforcements.
I don't know. I've always had some pretty debilitating anxiety since I was a kid. When my mom signed me up for softball, I jumped out of a tree and tried to break my own arm so I wouldn't have to go to the first game.
I don't think it's my thyroid because I've had that checked over the years and it's always normal. But, maybe a few years of stress has impacted it?
One of Smokey's main complaints was my fear and anxiety. If I stayed home and kept things fairly constant in my environment, I was OK. If I added too many distractions and outside pressures (kids, job, extra financial pressures, too many family obligations), I'd get all freaked out and would easily get paralyzed with fear.
I think this is fairly amazing that I'm to the point where I'm actually able to face this anxiety. I took for granted that I'd just have to live with it.
Now, however, I'm ready to move past it.
I always a fairly heavy amount of scary, demanding, energy-sucking people in my life. Sometimes, I just wonder if I became accustomed to living with a certain amount of anxiety in my life.
And, now that I've removed a big chunk of the stressors--my brain is sorta looking for something to replace that pressure...even when it's not necessarily there.
Today, for instance...shoulda been a nice day. I was plagued with anxiety all day long. Horrible anxiety.
I'll table it for now, but it's time to face it, understand it, toss it.
Victories: New York has some more rigorous homeschool laws. I have to report to the school district four times each year. To get started, I had to write up a plan for the rest of the year and a synopsis of what we have accomplished. I finally got it done today. It was long and detailed, but I think it will help me as we move forward because I can use this one as my template and make adjustments as necessary. I was really specific and even came up with a daily schedule for D12. I'm excited about what I planned for her. Now, I just need to make sure it gets done. This was a big pressure on me and now I feel that the paperwork, at least, is manageable.
Things that are bugging me:
D12. Ugh. Still doesn't have any friends here. I hired this girl to help out and she was supposed to start this week. She bailed on me about five times. It was ridiculous. I was so excited for her to start. I hate that I will probably have to find someone else.
Anyway, D12 is fixed to me like a baby monkey. I want to scream. I feel responsible for her happiness. It succccccks. When she needs to talk, she talks to me, when she needs to have fun, she looks to me, when she is bored, she looks to me... I feel angry and frustrated as I write this. I'm tired of being her everything. I was so hoping this college girl would be the answer, but this week turned out like the rest. The college girl canceled several times because of the snow. She is really worried about driving in the snow. Ok, well, we have lots of snow. And, her dad was in some sort of accident one day. It was deadline day and this meant D12 was alone for one long day.
Work: Still haven't found a happy medium with getting the newspaper done in steady, consistent bits. The weather and mileage hasn't helped. I already have 8,000+ miles on my new car.
Money: Have to get a few more docs to my atty. One needs notarized. Haven't heard anything about temp support.
D20: She found a job in P.A. Wow.
Smokey: I allowed the cell phone bill to lapse because I told D20 she needed to take it over. D12 hated her phone and never used it. But, it was the number Smokey used to text D12 and D20...when he did text. Of course, D20 nipped any texting in the bud last month when she responded to him, "Not today Satan."
I didn't want to add fuel to the "alienation" fire so I let him know about this app that D12 uses to text me and some friends. It was like talking to a teenager, still. I tried to tell him to use some good judgment in what he texted and be respectful of her feelings...D12 isn't keen on him having this texting app because it's something personal to her. So, I tried to let him know. She is angry and feels badly when she doesn't want to respond to him because she loves him and doesn't want to hurt him. Silly of me to expect any co-parenting. I got ok and okaaayyyyyy...like he was some teenager and I was a parent scolding him.
And, D12 is pi$$ed. She hates that he now has this texting app and she is furious that he used her dog's name as his user name. "That's not his dog anymore. He has no right."
Not much to do about this, but had to let it out. He's such a child.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
